Satire X – The Vanity of Human
Translated by A. S. Kline © 2011 All Rights Reserved
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In all the lands that stretch from
There are few who, free of a cloud of errors, can discern true good
From a host of opposites. What indeed do we wish for or fear that is
Rational? How often is what we conceive so far from wrong-headed
That we don’t regret both the effort, and the fulfilment of our desire?
Whole families have been ruined by the gods’ too ready compliance
With their prayers. They ask for what harms them whether in peace
Or war; to many people their own torrential flood of speech and their
Own eloquence is fatal; think of
Relying on his own strength, and his awe-inspiring show of muscle;
More people are still undone by the money they
Care, by a wealth that exceeds all other competing family fortunes,
As vast as a whale from British waters when compared to a dolphin.
That explains why in those dreadful times, Gaius Cassius Longinus
Was besieged, on the orders of Nero, by an entire cohort, as was
Seneca the millionaire’s vast garden, with the splendid mansion
Of the Laterani surrounded: soldiers rarely seek to invade a garret.
Though you might only be carrying a few items of plain silver,
When you set out to travel at night, you’ll still be afraid of swords
And sticks, panic at the shadow of a reed stirring in the moonlight;
While an empty-handed traveller can whistle in the robber’s face.
The most popular prayer, as noted in all the temples, is for cash:
May my wealth increase, may my family treasure-chest hold the
Highest value of anyone’s in the Forum. Yet you’ll
Poison from earthenware; the time to fear it is when you lift a cup
Studded with gems, when Setian wine glows in the golden bowl.
So, do you admire Democritus yet, that one of the two philosophers,
Who laughed at the human race, whenever he stirred a foot to move
From his threshold, while the other, Heraclitus, in contrast, cried?
We so readily censure the world with harsh derisive laughter, that
It’s a wonder where all the moisture flooding his eyes came from.
Democritus’ sides used to shake with perpetual laughter, despite
The fact that the cities of his day lacked togas with purple borders,
And togas with purple stripes, rods of office, litters, and tribunals.
What if he’d seen our eminent praetor standing there in his high
With that regal Tyrian ornamentation, on the embroidered toga
Falling from his shoulders, and a crown of such huge diameter,
That there isn’t a neck created made strong enough to bear it?
In fact a sweating slave holds it in public, and lest the praetor
Is over-pleased with himself, rides beside him in the same car.
Now add the bird that soars from his ivory sceptre, add the horn
Players over here, over there the long lines of his official escort
Leading the way, and the citizens in white who march at his bridle,
Transformed into friends by the hand-outs tucked in their purses.
In those days too Democritus found laughter in every encounter,
His shrewdness shows that men of excellence, great exemplars,
May yet be born in a dull climate, in a land of castrated sheep.
He laughed at people’s anxieties and at their
And sometimes at their tears, while to Fortune’s menaces he
Himself would say: ‘Go hang!’ and show her his middle finger.
So what are the vacuous, pernicious things that people ask for?
Is there a point to those wax tablets, prayers at the gods’ knees?
Some are destroyed by their power, downed by profound envy,
Some are sunk deep by their long and illustrious list of honours.
Noosed by a rope, their statues are dragged to the ground, even
The wheels of their chariots are smashed, and broken to pieces
With axes, while the legs of their innocent horses are shattered.
Now the flames roar, the
By the people glows in the furnace,
Sejanus; the face of a man who was number two in the world
Is converted to jugs and basins, turned to pots and frying pans.
Deck your houses with laurel, lead a great bull whitened with
Chalk up to the Capitol: come see Sejanus dragged along by
A hook, everyone’s celebrating! ‘Look at the lips, look at the
Face on that! You can take it from me, he was
That I liked’ ‘But what was the crime that brought him down?’
Who informed, what’s the evidence, where are the witnesses?’
‘That’s all irrelevant; a lengthy and wordy letter arrived from
Mob? They follow Fortune, as always, and hate whoever she
Condemns. If Nortia, as the Etruscans called her, had favoured
Etruscan Sejanus; if the old Emperor had been surreptitiously
Smothered; that same crowd in a moment would have hailed
Their new Augustus. They shed their sense of responsibility
Long ago, when they lost their votes, and the bribes; the mob
That used to grant power, high office, the legions, everything,
Curtails its desires, and reveals its anxiety for two things only,
The furnace is huge.’ ‘My friend Bruttidius
Rather pale, when I met him in front of the altar of Mars;
I’m scared that Tiberius, like a defeated
Punishment for being so poorly protected. Let’s run swiftly
And trample on Caesar’s foe, where he lies on the riverbank,
Making sure our slaves see us, so they can’t deny it and drag
Their terrified masters to justice, with nooses round our necks.’
Those were the crowd’s secret murmurings regarding Sejanus.
Would you like to be greeted as Sejanus, possess all that he
Possessed, be the one to grant highest office to some, appoint
Others to military posts, be seen as the Emperor’s guardian,
He who sits on the little constricted rock of
Spears, his excellent cavalry and private fortress; why
Wouldn’t you? Even those who have no
The power to do so. But what’s the value of fame and wealth,
If the good that
Would you rather be wearing the purple-edged toga of him
Who’s being dragged along, or rule empty Gabii or Fidenae;
Lay down the law over weights and scales,
Give short measure, as a ragged official in deserted Ulubrae?
So perhaps you’d admit Sejanus had no idea what to ask for?
Since he simply kept asking for greater honours, demanding
More and more wealth, he was building a lofty many-storied
Tower, from which the fall would only prove greater, whose
What destroyed the Crassi, the Pompeys, and that man Caesar
Who brought the Romans under his lash, and so tamed them?
Simply seeking that place at the top, using every trick that
Exists, simply extravagant prayer granted by spiteful gods.
Few kings go down to Ceres’ son-in-law, Dis, free from
Blood and carnage, few tyrants achieve a tranquil death.
The fame and eloquence of a Demosthenes, or of a
Is what lads pray for, and keep on praying for, all through
Minerva’s spring holidays, every lad with a slave to guard
His slim satchel, and a farthing to give to the thrifty goddess.
Yet both orators died for their eloquence, a rich overflowing
Stream of talent was what sent both of them to their deaths.
Talent had its hands and neck severed, no feeble advocate’s
Blood drenched the rostrum, it was Cicero’s, he who said:
‘O Rome, you are fortunate to be born in my consulate.’
If he’d always carried on in that vein, he might have denied
Rolled out next on the scroll. Demosthenes, your inspiration,
He too, the wonder of
When he hauled at the twisted reins of the packed assembly.
He was born with the gods, and
Being sent away from the coals, the tongs, and anvil of filthy
Vulcan, where eyes ran with the soot from the glowing ore,
From his father’s sword-manufacture, to a teacher of rhetoric.
The trophies of war too are considered to be more than human
Hung from a shattered helmet, a chariot yoke short of its pole,
An ornament from the stern of a conquered ship, a sad captive
On the fortress’s heights, these are the things for which a Greek
Or Barbarian, or a Roman commander exerts himself, these are
The things that provide an incentive, for danger and hard work.
So much more intense is the thirst for fame than for virtue.
Who’d embrace virtue simply for itself, if you took away all
The reward? Yet nations have been destroyed by the ambition
Of a few, by their desire for fame and a title, a name that might
Cling to the stones that guard their ashes, those stones the barren
Even their very sepulchres are granted a limited span by fate.
General weighs? A man too big for
From Moroccan ocean’s pounding to tepid
As far as the Ethiopian tribes, and another species of elephant.
Nature then bars his passage with the snowy
He splits with vinegar and fire, bursting through the mountains.
Is won,’ he claims, ‘until our Carthaginian army has shattered
The City gates and I plant my flag at the heart of the Subura.’
O what a sight, what a painting it would make, the one-eyed
General riding an African elephant, his Mauretanian beast!
So how does it end? O Glory! That very man, defeated, sits
A noted dependant, in the King of Bithynia’s palace, there
To wait till his majesty chooses to wake. No sword, or stone,
Or javelin makes an end of a life that once troubled humanity,
But a little poisoned ring, avenging the rings, spoil from
Repaying all that blood. Go, madman,
and climb the hostile
To entertain schoolboys, and provide matter for their speeches.
A world was not enough for that youth from
Seething with discontent at the narrow confines of his universe,
As if trapped on some rocky prison isle, tiny Seriphus or Gyara:
But once he’s entered that city,
He must be content with it as his coffin. For death alone reveals
How small the remnants of a human being. Then there’s Xerxes:
The tale that he sailed through
Tells as history, gained credence; the
Vessels, solid enough for vehicles to cross; we credit the stories
Of streams running dry, of deep rivers being drunk by the Medes
At their meals, all that Sosostris sang with drenched sleeves.
Yet what state did Xerxes return in, on relinquishing
He vented his savage rage by lashing the winds, Caurus, Eurus,
Who’d never experienced the like even in their
He bound Poseidon, the Earthshaker himself, with chains,
(That was lenient. What? Didn’t he think him worth branding
Too? What god would have chosen to be that man’s slave?)
What state was he in? In a single ship, of course, sailing the
Bloodstained waves, his prow slowly pushing corpses aside.
So often that’s the price extracted for man’s desire for glory.
‘Grant me a long life, grant me many years, Jupiter.’
But think of the many endless ills old age is full of!
Take a look, first of all, at its ugly face, repulsive,
And wholly altered, with an ugly hide in place of
Smooth skin, the drooping jowls, the wrinkles such
As those that the old mother ape scratches at on aged
Cheeks, in shadowy spreading groves of
Between the young there are plenty of differences,
One’s better looking, one’s stronger than another,
But the old are alike, body and voice both trembling,
The head quite bald, the nose dripping, like a baby;
The poor wretch mumbles his
Even to his wife and children, and himself, he seems
So dire even Cossus the fortune-hunter feels disgust.
The pleasures of food and wine are no longer the same
As his palate dulls; and as for sex its now long-forgotten,
Or should you try, his limp prick with its swollen vein, just
Lies there, lies there though you pummel it all night long.
What else could you expect from such feeble white-haired
Loins? Desire that attempts oral sex without the strength
To perform it, is that not rightly suspect, too? Now take
Note of another lost power. What pleasure is there in music,
However fine the singer, what pleasure in Seleucus’s lyre,
Or the sound of the pipers, in cloaks of glittering gold?
What matter where he sits in the vast theatre, if he can
Barely hear the loud horn-player, the fanfare of trumpets?
The slave-boy has to shout loudly, in his ear, to make his
Visitors’ names heard, or even tell him the time of day.
Moreover fever alone warms the few pints of blood in
His already icy body. A host of diseases of every strain
Encircle him, and if you asked me to name each of them
I could sooner tell you how many lovers Oppia has had;
Or how many patients Themison kills in a single autumn;
Or how many partners Basilus has swindled, how many
Wards Hirrus; how many men generous Maura sucks off
In a day, or how many pupils have been laid by Hamillus;
Quicker to run through the number of villas that man owns
Who made my fresh beard rasp, in shaving me, when young.
This old man’s shoulder’s impaired, that one’s groin, or
That one’s hip; he’s blind and jealous of the one-eyed; he
Takes food from another’s fingers between bloodless lips;
His jaws used to open wide when dinner appeared, now he
Just gapes like a baby-swallow when the selfless mother
Flies to it, bringing a mouthful. But worse than a physical
Decline is the onset of dementia, when his slaves’ names
Are forgotten, the face of his friend whom he dined with
The previous evening, and even the children he fathered,
And raised himself. In his will, he’ll cruelly deny his own
Heirs their inheritance, and leave everything to his dearest
Phiale; showing what the breath of a skilful mouth can do
That’s been employed for years deep in a whorish cavern.
Even if his mental powers remain intact, he’s required to
Face the funerals of his sons, gaze on his beloved wife’s
Or brother’s pyre, on the urn containing his sisters’ ashes.
It’s the penalty for living a long life; to endure old age with
Domestic tragedy endlessly repeated, sorrow after sorrow,
Forever mourning, forever clothed in black. Nestor, King
Of Pylos, if you choose to give any credit to Homer’s tale,
Presents an example of survival second only to the ravens.
Surely he must have been happy,
Many generations, counting his centuries on his finger-ends,
And toasting himself in so many new vintages? Well listen
A moment, to the complaints he made regarding the decrees
Of fate, and the length of his life’s thread, forced to see his
Ardent son Antilochus’s bearded body ablaze, questioning
Everyone there, as to why had survived to endure that day,
And what crime he had committed to deserve so long a life.
Peleus said the same, when he
mourned the loss of
And Laertes prematurely mourning the wandering Odysseus.
If Priam had died earlier, while proud
If he had died before
Fleet of ships, he would have joined the shade of his ancestor
Assaracus, his corpse borne, with great solemnity, held high
On the shoulders of his sons, Hector and his brothers, and
Accompanied by a host of Trojan women in tears, lead by
What then did a long life bring him? He saw a world ending,
Then he removed his crown, and took up arms, a soldier
With trembling arm, to fall, at highest Jove’s altar, slain
Like an ox, too old for the thankless plough, offering its
Wretched, scrawny neck to the blade of its master’s knife.
At least he died a human being, while his wife, Hecuba,
I’ll turn to Roman examples, after passing swiftly over King
The Just, to look to a long life’s end before calling it fortunate.
A long life led Marius to exile, prison, the Minturnine Marshes,
It was the cause of him begging his bread in ruined
Could nature, or
Than that citizen, if his triumphal spirit had
When he’d led the massed ranks of his prisoners in procession,
And ridden amidst all that military pomp, at the very moment
When he finally chose to step down from his Teutonic chariot?
He should have longed-for, but the prayers of people in many
Cities prevailed; so that Fortune, his own and
Defeated, and severed that head she’d saved. That mangling
Lentulus and Cethegus avoided; punished for their conspiracy,
They died whole, and the corpse of Catiline too lay there intact.
The anxious mother prays in a low murmur, for a sons’ good looks,
More loudly for a daughter’s, as she stares at the shrine of Venus,
With the most extravagant of requests. ‘Why criticise me?’ she’ll
Demand, ‘After all, Latona delights in her daughter Diana’s beauty.’
But Lucretia’s fate would inhibit me from praying for good looks
Hunched back, and yield her own face to Rutila. Moreover, a son
With a handsome form always makes his parents so nervous and
Wretched: since it’s so rare for beauty to coincide with restrained
Behaviour. He’ll be denied his manhood, even though his family
Tradition is all for morality pure and simple, imitating the ancient
Sabines, even though nature may have endowed him generously
With a face that glows with blushing modesty, with an innocent
Disposition (What more, after all, could nature do for the lad;
Nature, who is more powerful than any chaperone’s vigilance?)
And why? Because of the unrestrained dishonesty of his seducer,
Who’ll even dare to corrupt the parents themselves: such is his
Confidence in the power of bribery. No tyrant in his barbaric
Fortress has ever sought to have an ugly adolescent castrated!
No bandy-legged scrofulous teenager, with a swollen belly
Or a hunched back, was ever the target of Nero’s foul desires!
Yet, carry on, and indulge your pride in your boy’s good looks,
And you must expect even greater dangers. He may well prove
A notorious adulterer, living in fear of whatever punishment
Some furious spouse may exact. His stars won’t make him
Any less likely than Mars to fall into the husband’s net. And
Resentment sometimes goes well beyond what the law allows:
There’s death by the sword, or a cruel scarring from the lash,
Some adulterers have even been buggered with dried mullets.
Still your Endymion seduces some married woman he’s fallen
In love with. Soon, when Servilia has handed over her money,
He’ll become hers whom he does not love, and strip her of all
Her personal jewellery; which of them, if she’s an Oppia or
A Catulla, is likely to deny that wetness between her thighs?
‘But if he’s pure what harm can beauty do him? What good
Did it do Hippolytus or
Stheneboa burned as hotly as did Phaedra, and both of them
Lashed themselves into a rage. Woman’s at her most savage
When she’s stirred to hatred by a sense of shame. What advice
Will you give Silius whom Claudius’s wife has determined
To ‘marry’? He’s the finest, most handsome member of the
Patrician race, yet a glance from Messalina is drawing him
To a wretched finale; she’s been waiting a while now, her
Bridal-veil all ready, her regal marriage bed’s prepared, all
Can see it in the garden; her dowry’s a thousand gold pieces,
And even the augur and witnesses have arrived not long ago.
Did you imagine this was a secret only shared with a few?
She won’t marry unless it’s legal. What’s your decision?
If you don’t choose to obey, you’ll be dead before evening;
If you commit the sin, there’ll be the briefest
What’s known to
Bow to her commands, if a few days of life are worth that.
Whichever decision you think is easier or more preferable,
You’ll still have to offer your fine white neck to the sword.
So is there nothing worth people praying for? If you’ll take
My advice, you’ll allow the gods to determine what’s right
For us, and what’s likely to benefit our situation; for
The gods grant us gifts that are more fitting than nice.
They show more care for us than we do for ourselves. We
Seek marriage and offspring driven by blind emotion, by
Vain desire, while the gods know all about the children
We’ll have, and what kind of wife ours will turn out to be.
Still, if you want a reason for prayer, for offering a pretty
White piglet’s innards, the sacred sausages, at the shrines,
Then you might pray for a sound mind in a healthy body.
Ask for a heart filled with courage, without fear of death,
That regards long life as among the least of nature’s gifts,
That can endure any hardship, to which anger is unknown,
That desires nothing, and gives more credit to all the labours
And cruel sufferings of Hercules, than to all the love-making
All the feasting, and all the downy pillows of Sardanapalus.
The prayer I offer you can grant yourself; without doubt,
The one true path that leads to a tranquil life is that of virtue.
If we were prudent, you’d possess no power, Fortune: it’s we
Who make you a goddess, and grant you a place in the sky.
End of Satire X