ARISTOPHANES’
“WOMEN IN PARLIAMENT”
(also known as “The Assembly Women”)
κκλησιάζουσαι
Written 390
Translated by
G. THEODORIDIS
©2004
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————-
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
PRAXAGORA
(An Athenian woman)
FIRST WOMAN
(A neighbour of Praxagora)
SECOND WOMAN
(Another neighbour)
BLEPYRUS
(Praxagora’s husband)
NEIGHBOUR
(Neighbour and friend of Blepyrus)
CHREMES
(A citizen of Athens)
MAN
(Another citizen of Athens)
FEMALE HERALD
FIRST OLD WOMAN
(An old prostitute)
GIRL
(A young Prostitute)
EPIGENES
(A young man)
SECOND OLD WOMAN
(Second old prostitute, uglier than the
first)
THIRD OLD WOMAN
(Third old prostitute, ugliest of all)
MAID
(Of Praxagora)
CHORUS OF ATHENIAN WOMEN
TWO GIRLS
(Silent)
SICON & PARMENON
(Neighbour’s slaves -silent)
———————
Night. A street in
Enter PRAXAGORA dressed in men’s clothes (complete with phallus). She is
walking, bent over a walking stick and looking through the dim light of a lamp
she’s carrying.
She waves her lamp searching up and down the street and while doing so she
addresses her lamp, in the manner of a poet satirising another, in this case,
Eurypides: Full of airs and pomposity.
Praxagora:
O light of my lamp!
Bright light in this lamp,
This well crafted lamp,
This lamp built on a wheel by inventors with good aim.
Let me tell of your birth and of your charms:
The potter’s wheel spun you and gave you
A face
And thus your function is placed within
Your nostrils
A function as bright as the sun’s
Rays!
So then,
O, light of my lamp,
Let your light give out the signal we women have
Arranged.
She waves the lamp towards the windows of
the other two houses again
To you, alone, o light of my lamp, we’ll reveal all
And we’re right to do so for you,
Alone
Stand near us in our bedroom
When our body tangles with another in Aphrodite’s
Knots of prurient passion.
You alone,
O light of my lamp,
Can stand by and
Watch our bodies bend into taut bows
And no one will send you away.
You alone,
O, light of my lamp
Can look so closely into those nooks and crannies
Between our thighs where no one else can look
And singe the curls that blossom therein!
And
You, alone, stand by when to our
Pantries we run to steal the flour
And
Bacchus’ wine. You see us then and help us
But
You don’t show and tell our neighbour!
That’s why you, alone will learn what decisions
We, women made at Demeter’s festival the Scira.
To the audience
Here we are! Minutes only before Parliament starts and not a woman
in sight! It’s damned near daylight!
Walks up and down anxiously.
Not a single one of them!
Chuckles. She just remembered a
malapropism uttered by a certain Phyromachus.
He he! Remember Phyromachus? He once called us, “whore’s bums!”
Hehehehe! Whore’s Bums!
She shrugs her shoulders.
Pause
Well, we should get in there, in Parliament, quietly and quietly plonk our
whore’s bums on our seats nice and early. Make no noticeable fuss at all.
Pause
What on earth is keeping them? Haven’t they sown together the false beards that
I’ve told them to get? Maybe they’ve found it difficult to run off with
their husband’s clothes.
She suddenly sees something in the
distance (Stage Left)
I wonder what that light is. It’s coming this way. I better hide
somewhere in case it’s a man.
She moves back and hides the lamp behind
her.A woman, dressed in man’s clothes and carrying a dimly-lit lamp and a
bundle appears. She waves her lamp to the others behind her and they
follow her onto the stage.
First Woman:
We’ve got to hurry, girls! The cock crowed twice already!
32
Praxagora:Relaxes and moves forward
towards them.
I was up here all night, waiting for you, girls!
Hang on. Let’s get my neighbour out without her getting caught by
hubby. Let’s scratch softly at her door.
She does so. A minute later the
SECOND WOMAN comes out to join them. She’s dressed in men’s clothes
36
Second Woman:
I had just put on my sandals when I heard your scratching. I couldn’t sleep all
night either. My hubby is an islander, you know. From
Praxagora:Looks in the direction
of Stage Left.
Ah! Here they are! Cleinareti, Sostrati… and Philaneti! Come on then,
move it girls!
Enter the three women.
Glyki said the last one to get here will be paying a fine. Three jugs of wine
and a sack of chickpeas.
46
Second Woman:
Laughs at the sight of Melistichi in the distance.
Ahahaha! Here’s Melistichi, Smicythion’s wife! Look at her run in
her husband’s boots! And there I was thinking that, what with her queer
husband, she’d be the first one to be able to get away!
First Woman:
And… here’s the innkeeper’s wife, Mrs Lush herself, complete with her torch.
51
Praxagora:
And there’s Mrs Generous and Mrs Happy and, behind them, a whole lot of women…
The absolute cream of Athenian women!
Enter THIRD WOMAN puffing.
Third Woman:
What a nightmare it was to get away from my husband, girls! Up all night,
coughing and splattering, coughing and splattering! All night! No
wonder though, he gorged himself on my short‘n curlies for his supper!
Laughter and nods all round.
Praxagora:
Now, ladies! Now that you’re all here, sit down and let me ask you a question!
They all sit around her.
Right. Have you all done what we said we would, back at Scira? At
Demeter’s festival?
60
First Woman:
She raises her arm that shows a huge tuft of hair under her armpit.
Sure did. I’ve let the hair of my armpits grow so long that a lion could
get lost in it, just like you’ve told us! Then, whenever my husband went
off to the market, I’d get the oil out, splash it all over me and stand out in
the sun all day to get my body all black.
Second Woman:
Me, too, Praxagora. The first thing I did was to throw the razor out of
our house, so that my hair would grow so much, I won’t look at all like the
attractive woman that I really am.
She gets up to show her hairy legs, ears,
nostrils, etc Laughter and applause all round.
Praxagora:
And have you all got the beards?
70
First Woman:
Pulls one out of her bundle.
Here! Look at this one! By Hekate, isn’t it great?
Second Woman:
And look at mine, too, Praxagora! Isn’t it great? Better even than
that mop which shields Epicrates’ face!
Praxagora:To the rest of the women
You too? All of you?
First Woman:
Yeap. Nods all round. They’ve got them, all right!
Praxagora:She walks around them,
looking pleased.
Good. Looks like you’ve done everything as we said.
Points at the items she mentions.
Spartan boots…walking sticks…men’s cloaks… Right! You’ve got everything,
I see.
First Woman:Brings out a huge,
thick truncheon out of her bag.
And I even knocked off my husband’s truncheon, when he was asleep. Poor Lamius!
Second Woman:
That must be the truncheon he swings when he needs to fart!
Praxagora:
By Zeus the Saviour! With a stick like that, plus Argus’ leather jacket
and thousand eyes and old Lamius would be a great shepherd to gather us for our
city’s executioner!
All right! Now while there are still stars in the sky, let’s get to the next
thing.
Parliament is opening at Dawn and we’re prepared for Parliament. Right,
sisters?
First Woman:
Absolutely, by Zeus! And we’ve got to get in there early and sit
ourselves directly in front of the Chairman’s stone platform.
Second Woman:She takes out of her
bag some knitting
Absolutely, by Zeus! That’s why I’ve brought along my knitting. Get
some done before the place fills up.
Praxagora:
While the place fills up, you idiot? Knitting?
90
Second Woman:
Absolutely, by Artemis! Why not? Don’t you think I can knit and listen at
the same time? My kids are totally naked!
Praxagora:
Listen to you, woman! Here we are trying to hide our body and you’re
talking about knitting!
We’ve got to get in there early, girls! We’d deserve what we’d get if,
suddenly, when all the people are there, one of us has to climb over them to
get herself a seat but her cloak gets stuck somewhere and off she goes,
showing her pubes to everyone!
Remembers something and chuckles.
Phornisius’ beard, ey? What a stack of pubes that beard is! Hehehe!
Catches herself
Right! Now, if we get there first and take our seats before all the
others, hold our man’s clothes tightly wrapped around our body and have our
beards with us and let them roll out in front of out face, no man will suspect
a thing.
Beards, ey? Even a woman-looking man, like Agyrius looks like a
man-looking woman, now that he’s wearing Pronomous’ beard!
Agyrius, ey? Remember him! That crooked, filthy rich politician!
Agyrius! Rules the whole city, the bastard! It’s because of him that we
should try and accomplish this daring deed today, girls;
Applause
And! And we should do it before Dawn arrives.
Loudly, intently.
Let’s hope to take the power in our hands, sisters! Let’s save our city!
Applause
Pause. Relaxes her tone.
Because for a long time now, our city has been going nowhere at a fast oar!
110
Third Woman:
But Praxagora, how could we, a group of women, with women’s brains make
convincing speeches?
Praxagora:
We can make excellent speeches exactly because we are women! Better than
any man can. They say that buggered youths make splendid orators, don’t
they? Now, do we women know about fucking or don’t we? We’re naturals,
right?
Applause and “right, too right,
Praxagora, we know a thing or two about that!”
115
First Woman:
Oh, I don’t know, really. Lack of experience is a dreadful thing, you
know. I mean about speeches.
Praxagora:
But that’s precisely why we’re here, darling; to get ourselves all prepared
with what we’re going to say in there. Now, put your beards on quickly
and, those of you who are ready to speak go ahead and speak!
First Woman:
Ha! We’re all ready Praxagora! Who among us is not an absolute specialist
in the art of talking, ey? Fucking and talking! We’re brilliant!
Praxagora:
Put your beards on then and act like you’re a man. I’ll put mine on and
then I’ll wear these garlands if I want to make a speech.
Women put their beards on and fool around pretending to be acting like men;
swinging their phalluses about, yelling “hohoho” raising their hands to show
their muscles… etc.
Second Woman:
After putting her beard on, takes a mirror out of her bag and looks into it.
She is shocked.
Oooooh! No! Sweetheart, Praxagora, look! Come and see just how
ridiculous we look! This is awful!
Praxagora:Approaches and takes a
look.
But why, darling? What’s so ridiculous about it?
Second Woman:
But… with these black beards on our fair faces we look like someone stuck a
squid on our heads grilled on charcoal!
Praxagora:
Ignoring her, calls out as if she is the clerk of the Parliament:
Purifier! Let the Purifier sanctify this place with the sacrificial cat!
Whispers among the women such as “Shouldn’t it be a piglet? Is that
Persephone’s cat? Poor thing!”
A “Purifier” walks around with a cat, then takes it behind the curtains a
moment after which we here the cat being slaughtered.
Praxagora:
Right! All of you, girls now gather around.
Indicating someone among them.
Ariphrades, stop that chatter! Move closer please and take your
seat. Now! Who wishes to address Parliament?
First Woman:
Me!
Praxagora:
Good. Put the garland on and good luck!
First Woman:Puts it on.
Done.
Praxagora:
Go on, then!
First Woman:
What, make a speech on a dry throat?
Praxagora:
What do you mean? You want a drink? Now?
First Woman:
Of course! Isn’t that why men put on the garland? I’d like some
wine, please!
Praxagora:
Get out of there! Is that what you’d be doing in the real Parliament?
135
First Woman:
Whaaaat? Don’t they drink in the real Parliament?
Praxagora:
Don’t be silly, girl!
First Woman:
Of course they do, by Artemis! Absolutely! And it’s the totally
unadulterated strong stuff! Who else but drunks would come up with laws like
those they do? Not only that but they also go on with libations, mimicking “By Zeus this and by Zeus
that!” one libation after another with looong prayers and looong gulps of
wine and then go on yelling at each other like drunks and then the archers come
along and remove the drunkest of them! Sure they drink! All the time!
Praxagora:
Come on, enough. Off you go! Go and sit down. You are worthless to
our cause!
145
First Woman:Coughs
By Zeus! I reckon I’d be far better off without this beard. I’m
dying of thirst!
Praxagora:
Anyone else wishing to address the Parliament?
Second Woman:
Me!
Praxagora:
Go on then, put the garland on! Sarcastically
Oh, we’re doing just fine so far. Now, speak loudly, just like a man.
Lean your body well over your stick.
The Second Woman makes play with the phallus before
correcting herself and leans over the walking stick.
Second Woman:Speaking to the
Parliament
Ahem! Now, my thinking is that I’d rather a better orator came up to speak on
our behalf and defend our drinking rights, letting me stay sitting down and
resting but, never mind! Now! Ahem! My view is that we shall
not let a drop of water pollute our bars. Not a drop! Get rid of all the
water kegs in bars! Dreadful policy, by Demeter and Persephone, dreadful,
whoever invented it!
156
Praxagora:Interrupts her and corrects
her.
Stop, you idiot! By Demeter and Persephone? The two goddesses? Two
GODDESSESS? What were you thinking?
Second Woman:
What’s up, Praxagora? I didn’t ask for a drink, did I?
Praxagora:
No, of course you didn’t ask for a drink but you swore by the two Goddesses.
You’re supposed to be a man, not a woman. The rest of the speech though, was
sheer eloquence!
Second Woman:
Oh! You’re so right, by Apollo!
160
Praxagora:Interrupts her again and takes
the garland off her head.
No, stop.
She addresses the rest of the women.
Look, girls! I’m not making the slightest move from here until I know we have
perfected everything. We are simply not going into Parliament like this!
Second Woman:
Let me have the garland. I want to speak again. I believe I’ve got it perfect
now.Praxagora hands her the garland
Second Woman:
Ahem! My belief dear, seated ladies is –
Praxagora:Interrupts her
No, no, no! Look at us you blockhead! What are we again? We
are MEN! We are NOT ladies!
Second Woman:Points at the
audience.
It’s that fairy, Epigonus, out there. My eyes fell on him and for a minute I
thought I was addressing women!
Praxagora:Guides the woman away
angrily.
Come on, off you go, you twit. Sit down with the others. I’ve got a
hunch that I had better take the garland myself and speak on behalf of all of
us.
Puts the garland on.
Now! Ahem! I beg the gods that they fulfil all our wishes.
I am as much a part of this country as all of you, men. I am truly anxious,
truly sad about the dreadful state of our city’s affairs.
You’re always electing awful leaders! Awful! And if one of them
gets something right for one day and he’s useful, he gets all sneaky and dodgy
and completely stuffs up everything for the following ten days! Then you
get another leader and he’s even worse than the last one! I know it’s
damned hard to put brains into a thick skull but you’re always sending away
those who love you and approach those who hate you. You’re always afraid
of the wrong lot of people!
There was a time when Parliament hardly ever met but we did know what a bastard
Agyrrios was. Now though, when we do meet, what you do is get abundant
praise from the man who draws a leader’s salary whereas he who draws none
and tells you that all those who attend Parliament do so just so they can get
paid, you condemned him to death!
Applause all round interrupts her speech.
Second Woman:
By Aphrodite, how well you spoke, Praxagora!
190
Praxagora:
Charming! Superb! Once again, you twit, you swore by
Aphrodite! How would we look if you did that in the House?
Second Woman:
I wouldn’t be doing that in there.
Praxagora:
Stop doing it now!
Continues
Right! And then there’s this… this “Coalition of the Willing” treaty we’ve just
signed against the Spartans. When we were all debating it here, every one
of us was shouting that if we didn’t sign up the city would be ruined; then
when we did, every one of us had changed his mind –AND the man who put the
proposal up, shot through!
Then we get another proposal, say to launch a fleet of ships. What
happens? Well, the wealthy will vote “yes” but the poor and the farmers will
vote the opposite.
One minute you get vicious against the Corinthians to which they reply in kind
and the next they’re “great” so you’re “great” is back again!
Those from
We get a slight chance at peace but then, our General Thrasyboulos, goes
off screaming that he wasn’t consulted!
Applause all round again
First Woman:Indicating Praxagora
Hey, this guy is smart!
204
Praxagora:
Now that’s a good way to praise me.
Back to her speech
And you, fellow citizens of
Yet, there’s hope! There’s hope if you listen to my proposal and it is this: I
propose that we hand the city over to the women. Who better to run the
city then they who run our households? They are the managers and
treasurers of our house.
Applause again
All women together:
Yeaeeeeeeee!
First Woman:
Indeed, kind sir! Please go on!
214
Praxagora:Continues with the speech
And let me prove to you just how much better they are equipped up here (indicating the brain) than us. Number
one, they dye their wool in hot water. Each and every one of them!
They’ve never strayed from that ancient custom. If a system works,
they’ll stick with it; not like this Parliament where we’re always fiddling
with everything, trying to change it this way and that, looking for some new
way to do the same thing. Totally different to the women who:
Do the frying seated, just as they always did.
Carry things on their head, just as they always did.
Carry out the festival of Thesmophoria, just as they always did.
Bake their sweets, just as they always did.
Fuck with their husbands, just as they always did.
Have their secret lovers, just like they always did.
Do that little extra bit of shopping for themselves, just as they always did.
Love their wine straight off the bottle, just like they always did.
Love their fucking, just like they always did.
Takes a deep breath
For all these reasons, gentlemen, I say, let the women govern the city!
Don’t start analysing and debating it all, trying to be convinced by the
argument. Just hand it over to them. We need only to consider
the following:
Being the mothers of our soldiers, they’d want to protect them as best they
can; and… and think how much bigger the rations would be and how much faster
they’d reach our soldiers when they’re fighting!
Then, so far as the treasury is concerned, women know all about money.
They’ve learnt the game a long time ago. A woman will never be diddled by
anyone if she’s the leader –women are the absolute masters at diddling!
I’ll stop here now. If I have convinced you you’ll have wonderful lives.
241
Second Woman:
What a sweet woman you are, my Praxagora! Where did you learn all this,
darling?
Praxagora:
My husband and I lived near the Pnyx, where Parliament met when we were all
thrown out of
First Woman:
Ah! That’s why you’re so awesome, so brilliant! Well, then. If you pull this
off and we get the leadership of the city, we shall elect you General!
But then what if Cephalus, our famous orator and potter gets up and insults
you? How will you tackle him?
Praxagora:
I’ll simply say he’s out of his kiln!
First Woman:
Nothing new in that, Praxagora. You need to say something else.
Praxagora:
In that case, I’ll say, he’s a phlegmatic, black-livered madman!
First Woman:
Nahhh, nothing new in that either, Praxagora.
Praxagora:
Well then, I’ll just say his pottery stinks and so will his work on the city!
First Woman:
And what if crusty-eyed Neocleidis starts insulting you as well?
255
Praxagora:
What I’ll say to him is, “Neocleidis, go and shove your crusty eyes up a dog’s
bum!”
First Woman:
But what if they try to fuck you?
Praxagora:
Darling! I’m very well versed in fucking. I’ll fuck them back!
First Woman:
Ah! Something else we haven’t thought of! The archers. What
if the cops do the drag on you? One from the front and one from the back?
259
Praxagora:
I’ll just stick my elbows out, like this. They won’t be able to grab me
by my waist.
Chorus:
And if they do lift you up in the air, we’ll scream at them to let you go.
First Woman:
Right. We’ve got all that under control… all, that is, except the fact that we
mustn’t forget to raise our hands when we vote, like the men do. We women
are used to raising our legs, instead!
266
Praxagora:
Hm, that’s a toughie, that one. Nevertheless, we’ve got to vote, so
remember: Raise your right hand. Pull the cloak down and raise it bare.
All right. Now, just lift up your skirts and put on those Spartan boots…
and hurry! That’s right, just as you see your husbands wearing them when
they go off to Parliament or whatever. Now tie on your beards, all of
you. Properly! Done? Good. Now put on your husband’s cloak
and be careful how you do that also. Good! Now, let me see you leaning on
those walking sticks. That’s right. Good, and, as you’re heading off
start singing some song that the old men sing. Sing it like the peasants
do.
Chorus:
Quite right. Well said!
279
Praxagora:
Let’s go then. I think there are women going to Parliament from the farms,
as well, so let’s get there before they do. We’ve got to hurry because
you know what it’s like with payment in Parliament: either you’re in by Dawn or
you’re given bugger all!
Exit Praxagora and the two women.
285
Chorus:
Well, men, time for us to trot off. And remember, the word is “men.”
That’s the word we’ve got to use all the time from now on. Don’t forget
that because our life will be in great peril if we get caught dressed up like
this and for such a secretive venture.
So come on, men! Let’s be off to the
Parliament.
The Chairman has issued the warning:
Be there at the crack of Dawn,
Be there covered in dust,
Be there happy to have garlic for lunch
Be there with eyes rubbed black
Or else not a penny you’ll get
For your trouble.
Pointing at some “men” who immediately stand “erect.”
Hey, there Tom and Dick and Harry,
Look sharp and get moving!
You’ve got a role to carry,
Play it well, don’t falter
When we get our tickets
At the Parliament’s entrance,
Be sure we sit together
And together we vote as we ladies please.
Oh, no! I said “ladies” the fool.
I meant to say, “men” of course!
It’s time now, let’s go. The men from the bush are going to be there too, so
we’ll need to push in. Damn them! When the pay was an obol a day they’d run off
to the garland shop instead, and there they’d sit on their bums and gossip all
day rather than attend to the city’s affairs.
Now that the pay is a bit more they come and they jostle and shove for a seat!
Ah, bring back the days of our generous General Myronides! When he ruled no one
dared ask for a handful of silver to serve our city. People would come with
lunch sack, a crust of bread a drink, a pair of onions and three
olives!
Now they act like common bricklayers, asking for three obols a day while
doing their civic duty.
From Praxagora’s door enter Blepyrus. He is wearing a long fine, lacy, white,
diaphanous ladies’ shawl over his shoulders and women’s shoes with long straps,
dragging loosely around his feet.
He has just got up out of bed.
His face is twisted with pain and he has a tight, anxious grip of his bum with
one hand, hoping to control his bowel.
311
Blepyrus:
What on earth is going on around here? Where has my wife run off to?
Looks around him.
It’s damned near Dawn and I still can’t find her.
There I was, wide awake half the bloody night, desperate for a shit,
desperately struggling to find my shoes and cloak in the dark, searching
everywhere – but everywhere!- and nothing! I couldn’t find a
thing. In the meantime, there’s Mr Bum- opener, banging at my rear
entrance. What could I do? I grabbed my wife’s cute little shawl
and her cute little Persian slippers and rushed out here looking for a place to
shit! I’m busting for one!
He looks around anxiously. Runs off Stage Left, farts and immediately runs back
on stage again. Still anxiously, he sits down mid-stage to shit.
At night, anywhere is all right because no one can see you.
But then he peers into the audience, feels uncomfortable, farts, gets up and
rushes out Stage Right. More farting before he rushes back on stage
again, anxiously holding his bum.
What an idiot I was, getting married at my old age! I deserve a few good
bruises for that… as a memento of the occasion. Looks around for his wife.
Wherever she went it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship, I can tell
you that for sure… Anyway, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
He rushes back to Stage Right. Again more farting, some groaning and the
final herald of evacuation.
Pause.
He enters the stage, still feeling “pressed” however. He obviously did
not manage to ease himself totally. He holds his stomach tightly and
alternates between that and checking his hands, shawl and slippers. When
he turns around we see a yellow patch on the shawl.
From the opposite house we hear the creaking of the window shutters
opening. Slowly we see the NEIGHBOUR. He is holding a lamp which he waves
about trying to see into the street.
Neighbour:
Who is it? Who’s there?
Waves the lamp and peers into the
darkness
I don’t suppose it’s my neighbour Blepyrus, is it? Surely not!
Peers some more.
Blepyrus is trying to escape but he’s unsuccessful. He is still gripping his
stomach.
By Zeus, it IS the very man! Blepyrus!
Peers some more.
Hey… what’s that yellow patch all over your back? Ha! I see you must have met
our famous poet Kinesias. He’s sprayed your arse with some of his shitty
verses! Hahahahaha!
Blepyrus:Gives up any attempt to
escape. Farts.
Nononono! I’ve come out here wearing my wife’s yellow shawl. She loves
wearing this little thing.
Neighbour:
Where’s your cloak?
Blepyrus:
I wish I could tell you. I’ve looked for it among the sheets and blankets
but just couldn’t find it.
335
Neighbour:
Why didn’t you ask your wife to tell you where it is?
Blepyrus:
Mightily uncomfortable. Every sentence an obvious indication of defeat and
despondency.
No, by Zeus, I couldn’t ask her. She sneaked out on me. I’m afraid I’m about to
cop some new worry from her.
Neighbour:
Also begins to confess awkwardly.
Eh… Same damned thing happened to me, by Zeus! Same thing exactly!
My woman took off with my vest. I love that vest! Not only that but she’s taken
my boots as well! Couldn’t find them anywhere!
Blepyrus:
Me too! My Spartan boots have also gone. Nowhere to be found,
nowhere to be seen! But I just had to have a bog, so I’ve just slipped into
these little high heels and rushed out here. I couldn’t very well shit in our
blanket, I’ve just had it washed.
Neighbour:
I wonder what’s going on? Perhaps some friend of hers invited them for
breakfast.
Blepyrus:
A, ha! That’s most probably what it is! So far as I know my woman is no slut.
351
Neighbour:
Oh, well. I can see the length of a ship’s cable of shit on your back… I…
I’ve got to go to Parliament now. That is, if I can find my cloak!
It’s the only bloody cloak I possess!
Blepyrus:Holding his stomach
tightly and anxiously and with excruciating pain
Me, too. As soon as I… finish my… as soon as I get rid of….
By Zeus! I need a shit badly! My bloody bum hole is totally blocked by
some wild choke pear or something. Nothing can get out of there.
Neighbour:
The sort of blocking our Thrasyboulos did to the Spartans?
Blepyrus:
Yes, by Dionysius!
Show of agony
It sure got me in a tight spot.
Neighbour, chuckles, waves good bye and
goes back inside his house.
To the audience
What the hell am I going to do now? And not only now but what will happen
when I eat something?
Anxiously
Where will all the shit flow?
Indicating his bum.
This mister Wild Pear has locked and thoroughly bolted the rear exit…
Anxiously peering into the crowd
Is there a doctor in the house? Can someone go and get me one? Who
though? Who’s a good bum purger, I wonder… Anyone know
Amynos? No? Anyhow he’ll probably say no.
Spins around anxiously, urgently and in
sheer agony.
Somebody please call Antisthenes, hurry! Do whatever it takes. He’s
the one! When it comes to groaning, moaning and whining he knows a bum
hole that needs licking! Not a great doctor but what a politician, ey?
He falls to his knees in agony then
raises his hands in prayer
Oh, Ilithia! Goddess of the pregnant womb! I beg you! Don’t ignore
my pain!
Here I sit, trying to shit but the gate’s shut and bolted!
They’ll turn me into a potty for some comic stage!
Blepyrus squats and looks around him. He
tightens his face as he tries variously to evacuate. Occasionally he’ll
check to see whether he’s done anything.Time passes as the light on the stage
increases gently.Suddenly he realises he’s about to be freed of his
burden. He picks up the lengthy shawl and runs behind the curtain on
Stage Right.
Enter Chremes Stage Left, carrying a shopping bag. He looks across and
sees Blepyrus.
372
Chremes:
Oi! What do you think you’re doing down there!
Suddenly shocked by the realization.
You’re NOT dropping a bog, are you?
We hear the loud noise of the long anticipated evacuation.
Then, with a look of relief on his face, he enters the stage.
Blepyrus:
Who, me? O, nonononono!
Looks back to where he was.
At least not any more. Here I am, finally standing up!
Chremes:
Still suspicious. Looks around and there’s a short game of “hide the
sin.”
Why are you wearing your wife’s shawl?
Blepyrus:
This little ol’ thing? Just grabbed it in the dark by mistake.
Changing the subject.
Tell me, where are you coming from?
Chremes:
From Parliament.
Blepyrus:
Is it out already?
Chremes:
Been out since the break of day, by Zeus!
Laughs.
You should have seen the late-comers! They were sprayed with so much
ochre, there was ochre all around! What a laugh!
Blepyrus:
So, you did get your three obols, I presume.
380
Chremes:
I wish! No, I was too late! Shame! Shame! I’ve got to explain
to my purse now why it’s empty!
Blepyrus:
So… you got absolutely nothing then?
Chremes:
Absolutely nothing… except my shopping bag.
Blepyrus:
But why were you late?
Chremes:
A huge crowd of men turned up. Like never before. They just all turned up
at the Parliament. Just like that, the whole throng together, and at the
same time. I took one look at them and thought they must have all been
cobblers. Pale. As if the sun never saw their faces. The whole place was
pale… so neither I nor a whole lot of others near me got any money.
Blepyrus:
So, I won’t get anything either if I go, ey?
390
Chremes:
Where from? You’d never get anything after the cock’s second crow!
Blepyrus:
Oh no! Bugger me dead!
He falls to his knees and prays, mocking Aeschylus the tragedian
“Oh Antilochus, do not lament the loss of the three obols
but do lament the living man! Me, Blepyrus, for all I had is no more!”
Gets up again.
But what the hell was it that brought out such a huge throng, so early?
Chremes:
What else but the fact that the Chairman has placed in the agenda the question
about how to save the city. There he was, the first of them all, Mister
Crusty Eyes Neocleidis, jumps up out of his seat, gropes his way to the
speaker’s chair and gets ready to speak. The crowd though, begins to
yell, “get off!” And “How dreadful it is that this person dares to lecture us
on the ways of saving our city when he can’t even save his own little
eyeballs?” To which old Neocleidis looks all round him and yells, “what the
hell can I do about it?”
Blepyrus:
I’d have told him, “grind a bit of garlic with the milk of the fig tree, add
some sow-thistle and apply it on your eyelids every night.” That’s if I
was there… but I wasn’t!
Chremes:
Then, out comes our real genius, Eveon, wearing absolutely nothing, though he
tried to convince the people that he was, indeed, wearing a cloak. His words
were very… democratic! He said, “As you can see, folks, I’m also in need
of salvation. Just a mere silver drachma would do it, really. Anyhow, I’m
still going to tell you how you can save the city and its people. The moment
the sun turns his back on us and is replaced by winter, the manufacturers of
clothes should give cloaks free to anyone who asks for them. That way, no
one among us will catch pleurisy. As well, those who don’t own a bed or a
blanket, should go to the tanners – after they’ve had a wash – and if a tanner
dares slam his doors to him, well, we should fine him three furs.”
421
Blepyrus:
By Dionysus! What helpful ideas! And he should have added that our great
grain mogul, Nausicydis, and other grain dealers should also give away to the
poor, three kilos of grain for their supper or else these dealers would end up
crying for a long time. Now that suggestion would get Eveon unanimous
agreement!
Chremes:
Then, after Eveon a pale, handsome young man who looked just like our General
Nikias, jumped to his feet and spoke to everyone. He… he argued that we should
hand over the running of
Blepyrus:
Because, by Zeus, they’ve got brains!
Chremes:
But they were fewer in number so the speaker told them to shut up. He said a
whole lot of good things about the women but he said some nasty things about
you!
Blepyrus:
Like what?
Chremes:
First, that you’re a right old bastard!
Blepyrus:
What about you? What did he call you?
Chremes:
I’ll tell you in a minute. Then he called you a thief.
Blepyrus:
Me? Only me?
Chremes:
That’s right, only you. And, by Zeus, he called you an informer as well.
Blepyrus:
Just me?
Chremes:
That’s right, Blepyrus. You and Indicating the audience most of these
people here, too! Thieves and informers. Dobbers. Squealers. Right old
bastards the bloody lot of them.
445
Blepyrus:
Stares at the audience for a minute.
Indicating them.
Well, that’s true. That’s undeniable, by Hermes.
Chremes:
And he also said that whilst we, men, all cheat each other and don’t return
borrowed things, the women, help each other, lend each other anything from
dresses to jewellery, money, cups and saucers and they do it alone and without
the presence of witnesses and wankers; and they return everything on time.
Blepyrus:
Yes, by Poseidon! We cheat even with witnesses present!
454
Chremes:
And he went on and on about all this, praising them. Gave a whole eulogy on
them! They don’t snitch, don’t sue, don’t destroy our democracy… lots of
other great virtues.
Blepyrus:
And what did he propose?
Chremes:
That the city be turned over to the women. It was thought that this was the
only thing the city hasn’t ever tried.
Blepyrus:
And this proposal passed?
Chremes:
My words exactly. Absolutely!
Blepyrus:
And these women are now in charge of everything that we were in charge of?
Chremes:
Yep. Exactly right. They’re in charge.
460
Blepyrus:
So… instead of me going to court, from now on it’ll be my wife?
Chremes:
Nor will you be raising your children any more. Your missus will be in
charge of that.
Blepyrus:
So… I won’t need to moan and groan every morning, worrying about our daily
bread?
Chremes:
By Zeus, no! Oh, no, mate! From now on, it’s the wife who’ll be
doing all the worrying. No need to moan, groan or worry about a
thing. Just stay home and…
Blepyrus farts.
…fart all day!
Blepyrus:
Hmmm. I… I fear for us, you know? I fear that for men of our age,
when these women take over they’ll force us… they’ll force us to… well, you
know, to…
Chremes;
To do what?
Blepyrus:
What else? To have sex with them, man! And if we won’t be able to do it
then we won’t even get breakfast!
Chremes:
Stupid man! You can do this, can’t you? Indicates cunnilingus.
Do it and you’ll get both, breakfast and sex!
Blepyrus:
But it sure is awful when you’re forced to do it!
Chremes:
But if it’s the will of the city then everyone must obey.
Blepyrus:
Yes, I suppose. There is an old wife’s tale that no matter how stupid or
moronic our city’s advice, things will still turn out for the best.
Chremes:Raises his hands in
prayer.
Well, Goddess Athena and all the rest of you gods, I sure hope that things do
turn out for the best. I’ve got to go. Cheers, mate!
Exit Chremes Stage Right. Blepyrus goes back into his
home.
A second after Chremes disappears, we hear him yell in anger because he had
stepped upon Blepyrus’ shit.
Enter the women, dressed in men’s clothes and stamping their feet. (Care should
be taken not to drown the voice of the speaker.)
Mrs Lush:
Let’s go, girls!
Are there any men following us? Take a good look all around.
There are lots of sleazy bastards around, checking out the shape of our bums.
Watch out for them, you never know one of them might be right up you. And stamp
your feet loudly as you go along and keep your cloaks tightly wrapped.
Mrs Generous:
Stay close and look about you carefully. That’s right, look both left and
right!
If this thing gets out and our husbands find out, both, shame and catastrophe
will fall upon us and upon our scheme.
Mrs Happy:
Here we are, girls. This is where we’ve started off on our journey to
Parliament.
Kick the dust high!
Shouts of jubilation.
There’s our good General’s house.
Indicates Praxagora’s house.
She came up with the plan that the citizens of
More shouts of jubilation
Right. Now there’s no need to have these beards hanging off our faces any
more, so take them off. Someone might see us in the full light of the sun, so
let’s go there by the wall’s shade. Keep your eyes peeled girls.
Change your clothes again, change them back to as you were before.
Mrs Lush:
Hurry up! I can see our General coming this way now. She’s back from
Parliament. Hurry everyone. Get rid of all that facial hair.
Ghastly stuff we had to put up with all this time.
Women take off the beards and are in various states of clothes-changing when
Praxagora enters.
504
Praxagora:
Wonderful, girls! Success! Luck on our side and things turned out as we
wanted them to turn out. That’s right, hurry now and get these cloaks off
you before anyone sees you. Your shoes, too. You, Sostrati, undo those
Spartan horse reins!
Indicating the laces on the Spartan
Boots.
All of you, throw away the walking sticks and you, Mrs Lush, get all this stuff
together. Indicating the shoes, clothes, sticks etc.
I think I better sneak back into the house before hubby sees me. I better
put his cloak and all this other stuff back where I took it from.
Mrs Lush and other women gather all the clothes.
Mrs Happy:
All done, o, great one! We got rid of everything just as you said. Now
please guide our next move, Praxagora and tell us how to do well whatever you
ask of us; because never in my life have I met a woman as awesome as
you! That’s for sure!
Praxagora:
Then wait for me here and I’ll make you all my counsellors for the office
they’ve elected me. You were absolutely manly back there, with all that clamour
and hassle that was going on, too!
Enter Blepyrus from his house, sees his wife and yells
with anger.
Blepyrus:
You! It’s you! Where have you been, Praxagora?
520
Praxagora:
Since when is that your business, Blepyrus?
Blepyrus:
Oh, that’s charming! That’s very charming indeed! My business! And
what innocence I see in your face!
Praxagora:
Oh, no! You’re going to start yapping on about being at my lover’s house,
now, right?
Blepyrus:
One lover? ONE lover? More like a fleet of them!
Praxagora:
Don’t aggravate yourself; it’s easy to check me out.
Blepyrus:
What do you mean? Check you out, how?
Praxagora:
Come and smell my hair. See if there’s any perfume in it.
525
Blepyrus:
What do you mean, perfume? Since when do you women need perfume in your
hair to get a fuck?
Praxagora:
Well, I do… unfortunately.
Blepyrus:
So why did you run out of the house with my clothes so early and so quietly?
Praxagora:
A woman, a close friend of mine was overcome by great pain in the middle of the
night and I had to go and see her.
Blepyrus:
So why didn’t you say something before you ran off like that?
Praxagora:
Surely you understand I had to think about the condition the poor pregnant
woman was in, darling.
Blepyrus:
Still, you could have told me first! There’s something awful in all this!
Praxagora:
I swear by the two goddesses. The woman who came for me told me to get there as
quickly as possible, so I went just as I was.
535
Blepyrus:
Well then why not wear your own cloak? But no! You had to run off with my
cloak and throw your shawl over me, leaving me looking like a corpse ready for
the hearse! A wreath and an urn and I’d be ready.
Praxagora:
It was freezing outside, darling and I’m thin and feeble of health. That’s why
I needed this to keep warm, but you! I left you in your blankets, all
warm and snug.
Thinks a little
Blepyrus:
But with you ran off the stick and the Spartan boots. Why is that?
Praxagora:
So I can save your cloak from thieves. I took the stick, wore the Spartan
boots and stomped my feet on the cobble stones, making as much noise as I
could, so that the thieves would think I was you.
Blepyrus:
Have you any idea how much wheat I could have got us with the three obols I’d
be given if I’d got to Parliament? A whole bucket of it! Nearly twenty
litres of it!
550
Praxagora:
Ah, don’t worry, Blepyrus, she had a boy!
Blepyrus:
Who had a boy, Parliament?
Praxagora:
No, stupid, the woman I went to. She had a boy so I’ll be getting a gift worth
much more than the miserable three obols… So Parliament sat?
Blepyrus:
By Zeus, yes! Don’t you remember? I told you yesterday!
Praxagora:
Ah, yes! Now I remember.
Blepyrus:
Well, have you heard what was decided?
Praxagora:
Not me. How could I?
Blepyrus:
Well, my darling wife, sit yourself down and enjoy your cuttlefish. They’ve
voted to hand the city over to you women.
Praxagora:
To do what with it? Is there some weaving to be done?
She seats at the platform
Blepyrus:
God no. They want you to govern!
Praxagora:
Govern? Govern who?
Blepyrus:
Every bit of the city’s business.
Praxagora:
By Aphrodite! What a blessed future this city will have!
Blepyrus:
Blessed? How is that going to happen?
Praxagora:
In many ways. From now on no one will dare behave shamefully in this
city. And there’ll be no more perjurers or sycophants –
Blepyrus:Interrupts her
Good gods! Please! Don’t do that. How will we make a living?
Neighbour’s door opens and neighbour enters
Neighbour:
Come on, mate, let your missus talk!
565
Praxagora:
Right! There’ll be no more purse snatchers, no more envy, no more nudity,
no more poverty, no more disputes, no more repossessing…
Neighbour:
By Poseidon! That would be fantastic – if she’s not lying, that is!
Praxagora:
I’ll show you whether I’m lying or not. You be my witness and when this becomes
true, hubby here will shut up with his constant criticism!
Mrs Lush:
Now is the time when you need to use your mind, Praxagora!
A powerful mind, packed to the brim with wisdom and prudence, to defend our
sisters.
Your lips never cease to utter the wise words that benefit our people in a
myriad of ways.
Mrs Generous:
Now is the time, Praxagora, to show us just what your mind can do.
Mrs Happy:
Our city needs some wise person’s solution.
Mrs Lush:
Tell us all about it.
Mrs Generous:
Make sure that nothing is said or done before.
Mrs Happy:
Pointing to the audience
The folk out there hate to see repeats.
Mrs Lush:
All right then, don’t waste any time. Begin immediately.
Mrs Generous:
Put your ideas in practice straight away.
Mrs Happy:
Spectators love quick action more than anything else.
Praxagora:
Mrs Lush, Mrs Generous and you, too, Mrs Happy, I’m certain that my ideas are
useful but I’m not so sure that the spectators will like the new action.
That’s the stuff which worries me about this lot. (Peers into the
audience). I think they prefer to watch the old ancient action,
instead.
586
Neighbour:
Ohhhh, no, don’t worry Praxagora. So far as that goes, have no fear. Our way is
to always abandon the old and well tested ideas and embrace the new ones.
Praxagora:
In that case, I don’t want anyone to argue with me or to interrupt me until she
has listened to the whole speech and has a full understanding of my whole plan.
Pause as she waits for a response
Good. Now, I suggest that all things be owned by everyone in common and
everyone should be able to draw a pay and have an equal standard of living.
They should all draw pay from the same funds. Let’s have no more of this rich
man-poor man stuff. None of this, one man farming huge paddocks and the other
owning less land than what he needs for his grave. None of this one man owning
a crowd of slaves and another not even a single servant. My law says, one law
for everyone, one standard for all.
Blepyrus:
How can you make one law for everyone?
595
Praxagora:
Easy. Remember this motto: The only thing you’ll eat before me is shit!
The rest is equal time, equal serve.
Blepyrus:
You’re making shit-eating a common practice too, are you?
Praxagora:
No, Blepyrus, but you’ve interrupted me. I was about to explain that very
thing. The first thing I’ll do is to put common ownership to all the
land. The same with the money and every other thing which is, at the
moment, owned by individuals. And it is this common wealth that we women will
harvest with prudent saving and a careful intelligence.
601
Neighbour:
What about those among us who posses no land but who have loads of silver and
gold coins, like the Persian Darics for example?
Praxagora:
Well, they’ll just have to deposit it to the central fund.
Blepyrus:
And if they doesn’t deposit it then they’ll have to lie and commit perjury…
which is the way they’ve got it in the first place! Hahaha!
Praxagora:
In any case, what use will it be to them? None!
Blepyrus:
Why not?
605
Praxagora:
Because there will be no one working because he’s forced by poverty. None
of us will be lacking in anything. We’ll have bread, salt, fish fillets,
cloaks to wear, wine to drink, garlands, chick peas, the lot. So what’s
the point in not depositing their coins? Let me know if you can see it.
Blepyrus:
But those men who have all this stuff do so because they’re the biggest thieves
around!
Praxagora:
That’s right, darling! That’s all due to the laws we have now, under the
current system but when this new system is established and everything is
deposited in a common fund and everyone would be living from it, how would it
profit anyone to keep from depositing his stuff?
Blepyrus:
But then… if a man sees a lovely girl and he would just love to buy her for a
night of… of games, he’ll appear to the “common fund” draw out the price she’s
after and go off and screw her.
Praxagora:
No, there’ll be no need to draw any funds. He’ll be able to sleep with
her for free. No charge, no price. These girls will also become part of
the common property law. Men will be able to sleep with them whenever
they want and, if they want, make babies with them.
615
Blepyrus:
Well! In that case, every man will be running to the prettiest girl for
his fuck.
Praxagora:
No, all the ugly ones and the ones with the twisted noses will stand next to
the cute ones; and if the man wants the cute one he’ll have to fuck the ugly
ones first.
Blepyrus:
By Zeus, Praxagora! What about us, oldies? If we’ve got to go with
the ugly ones first, by the time we get back to the cuties, our cocks would be
useless. There’ll be nothing left in them.
Praxagora:
Hahaha! Don’t worry, sweetheart, they won’t be fighting over you. Don’t
ever be afraid of that.
Blepyrus:
Fight? What do you mean fight?
Praxagora:
I mean, the cute ones. They won’t be fighting to fuck with you.
Anyhow, this problem about a useless cock… it’s there already with you, isn’t
it?
Blepyrus:
How wise you are about your own, womanish affairs. You’ve got it worked out so
that no woman’s hole is left empty but what about the men? What are you
doing about us, because, as I see it, the cute women will go right past us ugly
ones and go fuck with the handsome ones.
Praxagora:
The ugly men like you should follow the cute bums when the dinner party is over
and watch where they take their public walks because my laws will prohibit the
tall and beautiful women to sleep with those young men unless they first serve
the wishes of you, the ugly and the short.
630
Blepyrus:
Hahaha! So now ugly-nosed Lysicrates will be lifting his nose up in pride
along with all those perfectly-nosed handsome youths! Oh my!
Neighbour:
By Apollo, that’s right! What a great idea and how Democratic! What
a laugh it would be when a bright young stallion, wearing his golden rings is
told by someone wearing crude clogs, “hey buddy, hold on a while, wait till I’m
finished and then I’ll let you have the leftovers!”
Blepyrus:Thinks a bit
But then this sort of life won’t allow us to recognise our own kids.
Praxagora:
And why should we? This sort of life will make them consider all men past
a certain age as their fathers.
Blepyrus:
Oh nononono, Praxagora! That’s too worrying a thought for me. The kids
already want to strangle their fathers, the ones they know for certain are
their fathers. With your rules these kids will not only want to strangle
them but shit on them as well!
641
Praxagora:
No, silly! The bystanders will step in and save them. Before my
laws, no one would give a damn about who’s beating whose father. Now
though, if they hear that some man is being beaten, they’ll be worried that the
old man was their own father and they’d run to the old man’s side.
Blepyrus:
Sure, Praxagora. Nothing wrong with what you’re saying but… the thought of Mr
Fatso and Mr Baldy coming up to me and calling me “daddy” puts the wind up me.
646
Neighbour:
Ha! I can think of something even more frightful!
Blepyrus:
Like what?
Neighbour:
If Mr Turdlover comes to you, calls you “pappy” and gives you a big
smooch! Hahaha!
Blepyrus:
Just let him try! Boy will he regret it!
Neighbour:
And you, my friend would smell of heavenly mint!
Praxagora:
Nothing to worry about. Turdlover was born before our decree so he can’t
give you that kiss.
650
Blepyrus:
Decree or no decree, he’d still be sorry if he kissed me… but… who’ll be doing
the farming, Praxagora?
Praxagora:
The farming will be done by the slaves. Your only concern will be to get
all dressed up and oiled up around ten in the evening and go off to your dinner
party.
Blepyrus:
Ah! Another valid question, I think, concerns clothing. What of them? Where do
we get them from?
Praxagora:
Make use of what you’ve got now. Later we’ll weave you new ones.
655
Blepyrus:
And then there’s the question about fines. Suppose someone gets sued and the
judges give him a fine. Where will he get the money, surely you don’t
think it’s fair for him to extract it from the common funds!
Praxagora:
But there won’t be any hearings, Blepyrus!
Blepyrus:To the Neighbour
Those words, my dear friend, will be your undoing!
Neighbour:
I think so too!
Praxagora:
But, darling what will anyone sue anyone for?
Blepyrus:
Ha! By Apollo! I can mention lots of things! First of all there’s
the situation where someone won’t pay his debt.
Praxagora:
Where did the lender get the money from in the first place, if all the money
belongs to everyone? Obviously, he’s a thief!
Neighbour:
Quite right, by Demeter! You’re quite right!
Blepyrus:
All right, answer this question for me then: There’s a dinner party and
afterwards it gets all nasty, drunks fighting each other and so on.
They’ll end up getting to court and told to pay fines for assault. How
will they do that? This will get you thinking!
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Praxagora:
Whoever is fined will have his bread rations reduced. That reduction will hit
him hard, in his belly! Next time he wants to assault anyone, he’ll have to
think twice about it!
Blepyrus:
So you think no one will be a thief?
Praxagora:
Why would he? He’d be stealing from something he’s a shareholder in.
Blepyrus:
No more… stripping off in the middle of the night?
Neighbour:
Nope, not if you sleep at home!
Praxagora:
Not even as in the old days when you used to get out. No one will bother you
because everyone will have everything they’ll need for a happy life. If someone
wants to strip you of your cloak then you just simply give it to him.
What’s the point of fighting about it when you can run off and pick a better
one from the common lot?
Blepyrus:
What about gambling? Won’t folk gamble with dice?
Praxagora:
What would be the point in that? To win what exactly?
Blepyrus:
And what sort of life-style will you create for the citizens?
Praxagora:
The same life-style for everyone. I’ll turn the whole city into one huge,
happy household by smashing down all the walls which now separate them and turn
them into one building so that everyone can walk through everyone else’s place.
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Blepyrus:
That’s silly. Where will we have our dinner?
Praxagora:
Dinner? I’ll turn all the court rooms and all the covered footpaths into
eating places.
Blepyrus:Constantly trying to
think of new objections
What about Parliament and the speaker’s platform?
Praxagora:
That’s where I’ll store all our cutlery, crockery, water jugs and suchlike.
The children will be able to get up there and recite poems about heroes as well
as about cowards with whom they’d be ashamed to share a meal.
Blepyrus:
By Apollo, that’s a great idea! It sure makes me happy. Now, what
about all those ballot boxes?
Praxagora:
The ballot boxes will be placed in the centre of the market place, by
Harmodius’ statue and I’ll have an official who’ll tell everyone which dining
hall they should go. They’ll draw a letter out of that box and the official
will tell them to which hall that letter corresponds. The letter “B” for
example will take you to the “Basilium” Dining hall. The letter “Theta” will
take you to the neighbouring one and the letter “Kapa” will go to the hall
where they sell the flour.
Blepyrus:
“Kapa” for capes?
Praxagora:
What do you mean, capes? They go there to eat!
Blepyrus:
What about those who won’t manage to draw a letter? Will they be ejected
out of the dining hall by all the others?
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Praxagora:
That won’t be happening with us, women. We’ll be supplying every man with
all his needs. Imagine this: Every man will be able to leave his dinner party
drunk, still wearing his garland and carrying a torch to find his way home. And
while he’s walking, a woman will approach them and talk to them sweetly like
this, “Come with us, sweetie, come to our place. There’s a stunning
looking girl in here.” And from the second-storey window, another woman
will call out, “Over here, darling. There’s a beautiful young girl here,
pale white skin… of course you’d have to screw me before you screw her.”
As well, the ugly men will run after the young, handsome studs and yell at
them, “Ey! You there, young man, where are you going in such a
hurry? In any case, you’ll get no action in there even if you did go.
These pretty ones in there will have to fuck the ugly folk, like me first, the
ones with the flat noses. You… you can grab your two-fig branch and wank,
there, in the doorway, if you’re in too much of a hurry!”
So, tell me, men, did you like all this?
Both Men:
Totally!
Praxagora:
Well, then I’ll go and find a girl with a loud voice to use as my crier and
then go off to the marketplace to accept all the goods as they arrive.
Being elected the leader, I need to do these things. Then I’ll have to
organise the dinner for you all so that you can all have your first orgy
tonight.
Blepyrus:
We are starting the orgies tonight?
Praxagora:
My words, exactly. Then I’ll want to stop all the prostitutes from
trading.
Blepyrus:
Whaaaaat? But whyyyyy?
Neighbour:
Why? Isn’t that obvious?
Indicating the chorus
She wants to put the whores out of business so that these ugly crows can get
their young pricks! According to the new laws!
Praxagora:
As well, the slave girls won’t be allowed to adorn themselves in any way so as
to steal the fervour of the young, free men. They’d only be allowed to fuck
with other slaves and have their little pinkies trimmed in the manner of a
woollen underskirt. Very rough!
She turns to leave. Blepyrus follows closely behind.
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Blepyrus:
Praxagora, darling, I’d like to follow you around, so that everyone can see me
beside you and say, “Well, look at that! That’s the Commander’s husband!”
Both, Blepyrus and Praxagora exit into their house.
Neighbour:
I better go too. If I’ve got to take all my possessions to the
marketplace, I’d better get them all together and check out what I’ve got.
Exit Neighbour into his house.
From the Neighbour’s house, we hear noises pertaining to the shifting of
furniture, collecting household items, breaking things, etc. Eventually,
Neighbour and his two slaves, Sicon and Parmenon enter, carrying the household
items and one by one, line them up on the street. Neighbour talks fondly and
emotionally to each of the articles. It is the separation of close friends.
While this is going on, a man enters, stands at a corner and watches the
activity with some emotional involvement, yet with quite some state of
perplexity.
Neighbour:
Come, my darling Sieve, pretty little thing, so white from all those bags of
flour you’ve sieved. Come outside, my sweet and stand here, in front of the
parade, the first of all my belongings. Now who’s going to be my Number
Two in the parade? Ah! The Casserole! Come out here,
sweetheart! By Zeus! You’re all black! Did Lysicrates use you
to boil that black poison of his, to make his hair dye? Come, stand here,
next to the Sieve. You, too, my Dresser, my box of scissors and eyebrow
pluckers and make-up, come! Come my Water Jug.
To the slave carrying the jug.
Jug Bearer, bring that cute jug over here… that’s right, right here!
The other slave comes out holding a hand
mill in the shape of a lyre.
Ah, my darling Lyre Mill! You, too, come out here and we’ll make you the
Musician of our parade! The number of times you’ve woken me up for Parliament,
with your delightful song. Early, so early in the morning, it was still
night!
Now, who’s got the tub?
A slave indicates he does.
Well, come on then, our here.
To the other slave.
You, bring out the honeycombs and place them next to the olive branches.
And the two Tripods and the Oil Flasks. Bring them all down here.
All things are eventually brought
out and arranged on the stage
All, here? Good. Now let all the little potlets follow from behind.
Pause
Man:
Snaps out of the involvement.
To the audience
Ha! Me? No way! I’d never deposit my possession to the common
coffers. I’d be an idiot to do so and a bit screwed in the head, I think! By
Poseidon, never! Not before I scrutinise the situation over and over again and
think about it for a very long time. I’m not going to throw away the
fruit of my labour and all those careful savings, just like that,
thoughtlessly. I’d need to be convinced first about how the whole thing
will turn out.
To the Neighbour
Hey, there! What’s with all these household goods? Are you moving
house or are you using them as collateral for a loan?
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Neighbour:
Neither!
Man:
So why have you got them all lined up like that? Are you marching them
off to Hieron’s auction house?
Neighbour:
By Zeus, no! We’re off to the marketplace. They’ll be deposited to the city’s
coffers according to the new law.
Man:
You’re giving them to the city?
Neighbour:
But of course!
Man:
What an idiot! By Zeus the saviour, what an idiot you are!
Neighbour:
What do you mean?
Man:
What do you mean, “what do I mean?” Look at you!
Neighbour:
What do you mean, “look at me?” Aren’t I supposed to obey the laws of the
city?
Man:
What do you mean “the laws of the city,” stupid?
Neighbour:
What do you mean, “what laws?” The laws that have just been enacted!
Man:
What do you mean, “enacted?” How can you be so stupid?
Neighbour:
What do you mean, “stupid?”
Man:
What do you mean, “what do I mean by stupid?” I mean “stupid!” I mean
you’re the stupidest man of all!
Neighbour:
You mean… because I’m obeying orders?
Man:
I mean…Do smart men obey orders?
Neighbour:
But of course they do! Always!
Man:
No, that’s not what the smart man does. That’s the act of an idiot.
Neighbour:
So, you’re thinking of not presenting your stuff?
Man:
I’m thinking of being very careful with this law. I’ll see what the rest
of the people do first.
Neighbour:
They’re all getting their stuff ready to deposit them in the city’s coffers,
that’s what they’re all doing.
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Man:
Sure, sure. I’ll be convinced of that when I see it with my own two eyes.
Neighbour:
But the whole town is talking about it.
Man:
That’s right, they’re “talking” about it! Doesn’t mean they’ll be doing
it.
Neighbour:
That’s what they’re promising to do. They’re promising to take them in.
Man:
Of course, they are, of course they are!
Neighbour:
Man, you’re stressing me out with all this doubt of yours!
Man:
Doubt? But of course, they’ll doubt!
Neighbour:
Zeus fuck you man!
Man:
Fuck? Sure they’ll get fucked. Do you think that those with a brain
will turn in all their possessions? Oh no! It’s not part of our
ethnic ethic.
Neighbour:
So you think we all should just… take from the city and give nothing back?
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Man:
By Zeus, yes! Of course! Same with the gods. Check it out
yourself. Every time we go there to pray to them, what do they do?
There they are, hands stretched out, palms up, obviously not so that they may
give but that they may be given something.
Neighbour:
Enough, you thieving wanker! Let me get on with it. I need to tie
all this stuff together… Now where did I put my rope?
Man:
So, you’re really taking them to the marketplace?
Neighbour:Finds the rope, picks up
the two tripods and ties them together.
What do you think I’m doing with these tripods?
Man:
You’re being totally stupid. What a moron you are, not waiting to see
what the rest of the people do about this. At least then and only then –
Neighbour:Interrupts
And then do what, then!
790
Man:
Then, you wait even a little longer, and then a little longer, and then a
little longer and then you forget it!
Neighbour:
For what reason?
Man:
We’ve got earthquakes happening all the time, fires, bad luck, black cat
dashing across your path. Who knows what! Stuff which will put an end to all
these handouts, you great ox!
Neighbour:Gets back to his work
What a fine ox I’d be if I got to the depository and there was no more room for
me to deposit these things!
Man:
Ha! Are you worried you might miss your turn? Don’t worry,
mate. They’ll manage to get them off your hands sooner or later.
Neighbour:
Now what do you mean?
Man:
What I mean is that I know these people in our Parliament really well.
They rush to vote for something one day and the next they reject it.
Neighbour:
Don’t worry, they’ll all be there with their chattels.
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Man:
And if they don’t?
Neighbour:
Don’t you worry, they will!
Man:
And if they don’t?
Neighbour:Annoyed
Well then, we’ll fight the bastards.
Man:
What if they’re more than you?
Neighbour:
If there are more of them then I’ll just leave it all to them. I’ll just walk
away!
Man:
What if they go and sell all your stuff?
Neighbour:
Shove off, will you?
Man:
What if I shove off?
Neighbour:
If you shove off you’ll be doing us all a great service.
Man:
So… you really want to hand over all your stuff?
Neighbour:
Of course I do and I can see all my own neighbours doing so, as well.
Indicates the third house.
Man:
Ha! Antisthenes? Sure, sure! He’d rather have a
thirty-day long shit than hand over his purse. Antishenes!
Hahahaha!
Neighbour:Charges towards him
Damn you! Piss off!
Man:
And what about Callimachus, the dance teacher. Is he going to deposit
anything?
810
Neighbour:
He’s going to deposit more than Calias, that’s for sure! The damned
squanderer!
Man:
To the audience, anxiously.
This man is going to toss away his whole estate!
Neighbour:
You’re exaggerating a bit, aren’t you?
Man:
What do you mean, “exaggerating?” I see laws like this one enacted all
the time… Remember the one on salt?
Neighbour:
Sure I do.
Man:
And what about when we all voted to bring in those stupid, useless copper
coins. Remember that, too? In one day out the next! Remember?
Neighbour:
Damn it, do I! I’ve lost so much money with that rubbish! I had just
gathered all my grapes, sold them, got paid in those coppers and then went off
to the market to buy barley. No sooner I open my bag to pay for it and
the herald shouts, “no more coppers! No more coppers! We’re only
using silver now!” Bastard of a vote that one!
Man:
And then it wasn’t that long ago that we all voted Euripides’ laws for the two
and a half percent tax hike which was to raise five hundred talents for the
city! Five hundred talents! Wow, we all thought, what a golden boy
this Euripides is. But then, a few days later, we checked it out
thoroughly and what did we see? Bedbugs in Zeus’ blankets! Bullshit! So,
our so called “golden Euripides” ended up being our “bastard Euripides!”
Neighbour:
Not the same at all, mate! Just not the same. See, the place was run by
us, the men those days. Now it’s led by women! Very different!
Man:
Oh, women, or not, don’t worry! I’ll be very careful, by Poseidon!
I don’t want them pissing all over me!
Neighbour:
Pissing all over you? Pissing all over you? Mate, I really have no idea
what you’re crapping on about!
Enter a female Herald
834
Female Herald:
Hear me, hear me, hear me, all you citizens of Athens! All citizens are
henceforth included in this proclamation.
All of you quickly go over to our Lady Commander’s place so that Luck can
declare where each of you will dine tonight. All the tables are now fully ready
and loaded with every delicious morsel. The couches, too, are dressed
with covers and cushions. The wine is being served and the girls who sell
the scents are waiting for you. The fish fillets are being barbecued, the
hares are on the spit, the bread rolls are in the oven, the garlands are being
plaited, crunchies are being roasted, the young girls are cooking chick pea
soup and Smoeus the cunt lover is there with them, in his riding suit, licking
clean the women’s bowls. Geron is there, also. He’s thrown away his cheap
old boots and worn our cloak and he’s now wearing a brand new suit and new
boots, and he’s chatting up a young stud.
Come all you citizens of Athens, for all this is waiting for you. Your
bread is waiting for you – all you need to do is… open wide!
Exit female Herald
Man:
Wonderful! I’ll be off then. Why hang around here when all this is
the city’s will?
855
Neighbour:
Oi! Where do you think you’re off to? You haven’t deposited your
stuff!
Man:
I’m off to dinner! Why?
Neighbour:
No way! They won’t feed you before you deposit your household
goods. Not if they have any sense, they won’t!
Man:
Don’t worry, friend. I will deposit them. Believe me, I will!
Neighbour:
When?
Man:
Don’t worry, mate. I won’t be holding anyone up.
Neighbour:
What do you mean, “I won’t be holding anyone up?”
Man:
What do you mean, “what I mean?” I mean that there will still be others who
will be depositing even after me. That’s what I mean, what I mean!
Neighbour:
But still, you’re going to dinner before you deliver!
860
Man:
Of course I will. What choice do I have? Right-minded people must
obey the call of their city and run to help as best they can.
Neighbour:
What if they stop you?
Man:
I’ll lower my head and walk through.
Neighbour:
They’ll whip you.
Man:
If they dare do that, I’ll sue them.
Neighbour:
Ha! They’ll laugh at you.
Man:
Well, if they do that, I’ll just stand in the doorway and…
Neighbour:
And what? Tell me what you would do?
Man:
I’d stand there, wait for the food to arrive and pinch it as it goes into the
dining hall.
Neighbour:
You better walk after me then!
Turning his back on him
Sicon, Parmenon, pick up my goods!
Man:
Hang on! Let me help you with all that.
Neighbour:
Oh, nononono! It’s all right. I can see it now. I’ll be taking MY
stuff in and you’ll be pretending that my stuff is YOUR’S! No
thanks! Come on boys!
Exit Neighbour and slaves
Man:
By Zeus! I need to think up some mechanism by which I can keep my property but
still share in the free food the state is giving out to everyone. It
needs to be brilliant, though. I just have to go and eat without delay.
Exit Man
The window of a house opens and a young girl appears. Then the door of the
house next door opens and an old woman (FIRST OLD WOMAN) enters the
stage. She walks up and down the stage, swinging her bag and
bum, singing softly to herself but all the while searching the streets
anxiously. The young woman from the window is also looking up and down
the street.
877
First Old Woman:
I wonder why the men aren’t here yet? They should have been here a long
time ago! I’ve painted my face up with this beautiful white make up, I’ve
put on my see-through, fuck-me please dress and… and? Well, all I’m doing
is standing here, murmuring to myself a song and hoping to snap up a young
passer by.
Pause
Come on, you Muses! Come into my mouth and find me one of those lovely,
horny Ionian tunes.
Begins to sing “sweetly” a bawdy song.
Young Woman:
You putrid old trash! You’re out before me today. You thought you’d check
out the vineyard while no one is watching, and, while no one was watching, you
thought you’d be able to pinch a bunch with your singing! But you do
this, and I’ll fight you: song for song! And I don’t care if the audience
out there finds the routine boring –it’ll still be cute and comic!
First Old Woman:Indicates her wide
behind.
Ha! Talk to this, woman and piss off!
To a piper, who could be among the chorus
of women or behind the stage.
Come, you darling piper! Pick up your lovely little pipes and blow a tune
worthy of you and me.
She begins to sing
The man who wants a good time
Should only sleep with me
Because the wise fuck comes not
With the young girl but with
Experienced grown up women.
Young Woman:
Don’t turn away from the young ones
Their fluffy thighs are the home of tenderness
…a tenderness which turns to flower in their wondrous tits.
And you, old tart, though you’ve plucked away your moustache and you’ve
plastered your face with white paint
Only Death awaits your caresses,
Only Death is your next bed mate.
906
First Old Woman:
Ooooh, I hope your cunt falls off, you bitch
And when lust sends you to your bed
With the promise of a fuck
You can’t find your bumhole
From the hole you’d love to rub.
Or when you’re in bed and hope to hold a man
tight and close, let a snake, appear instead
hissing in your armpits.
Young Woman:
To the audience this time
Now what will I do?
My man is not here yet
And I’m left here all alone
My mother’s gone off somewhere
And I’ll reveal no more
Back to the Old Woman
Well, old nanny, I beg you!
Please call Doctor Wanker
So you can get at least some joy,
Please nanny do it,
Ask him to let you play with his toy!
Please, ask the little boy!
First Old Woman:To the audience
I can see the poor love
Dying to do it the Ionian way
A dildo will send her desire away.
Back to the Young Woman:
Oh, I can see you dying to bend to your knees
And do it the Lesbian way.
A mouth, a head, a blow job
Will satisfy you desire and gob.
Young Woman:
But never will you take my toys away
And never will you kill my youth or
Steal my share of the fucks from me,
Not ever!
924
First Old Woman:
Well, bend your head like a skunk all you like and sing all the songs you want
but no one will sleep with you before they sleep with me.
Young Woman:
Over my dead body! Skunk? “Bend your head like a skunk?” That’s a new one
for you, isn’t it, old cheese?
First Old Woman:
Nope. Not new at all!
Young Woman:
No, of course not! Who can tell an old woman anything new?
First Old Woman:
Old woman? Girl, it isn’t my age that you should worry about!
Young Woman:
What then? Your face plaster and your powder?
First Old Woman:
Listen! Why do you keep talking to me?
Young Woman:
What about you? Why are you still searching the street?
930
First Old Woman:
Me? I’m just singing a little song for my beloved… my young Epigenes.
Young Woman:
If you’ve got a boyfriend then his name must be Gero!
First Old Woman:
He’ll show you, girl! He’ll be visiting me before he’ll be fucking you!
Enter Epigenes, wearing a garland and holding a torch. He is drunk. He
has yet to see the women.
First Old Woman:
Here’s my sweetheart!
Young Woman:
Ha! He’s not here for your sake, you droopy flaps!
First Old Woman:
By Zeus, no way! No way you skinny little runt!
Young Woman:
Well, let us see. He’ll tell us himself who he’s after. I’m going
inside.
Young Woman goes inside
First Old Woman:
I’ll go inside, too. Just to show you how I know better than you.
First Old Woman goes inside
Epigenes:
How blissful it would be if I could go fuck a young woman straightaway instead
of having to do it first with an ugly nose or an old hag! How can this be
right for a free man?
He goes back and forth from one door to the
other, torn between duty and desire. Finally he is about to knock on the
Young Woman’s door.
Enter First Old Woman again
First Old Woman:With a thunderous
voice
By Zeus! You knock on that door and you might as well say goodbye to your
cock!
These aren’t the days of the great whore Charixede when we knew nothing about
Democracy! Nowdays, we’ve got to do things according to democratic and
just laws, by Zeus, by Zeus!
To the audience
But I’ll go back inside and see how he resolves this.
First Old Woman goes back inside.
Epigenes:Almost in tears
Oh, gods! Let me get this little beauty on her own. I’ve drunk and drunk
and I’m now drunk because of her! Ohhhh the desire! Ohhhh the
desire!
Epigenes walks back to the Young Woman’s door. He is
confused.
The Young Woman appears at her window again.
Young Woman:
I’ve tricked the cursed old woman. He he! She’s gone back inside, the
silly old woman. She thought I’d stay inside, too. Ahhhh! But
there’s the very object of my love. Here’s my boy!
She begins to sing to him
Come, sweet lover, come to me!
Come share my bed, embrace me through the night
Those curly tresses bring Eros to my heart
Bring a crazy desire to my loins.
I pray to you Eros let me free and let
My boy come to me, and lie deep inside me.
Epigenes:He knocks at the Young
Woman’s door
Come, sweet lover, come to me!
You too, sweet lover, come to me!
Run down the steps and open this door
Or else I’ll faint in front of it.
I’d rather faint between your legs
My love and crash between your bum’s little mounds.
Oh Aphrodite, why spin my mind for this girl?
I pray to you Eros let me free and let
My girl come to me, and lie deep inside me.
He knocks at the Young Woman’s door.
My words are far too weak to tell of the strength of my longing
You, though my sweetheart,
Open up for me and give welcome to my love
I beg you, sooth my pain.
He knocks at the Girls door
Aphrodite’s bud! The golden work of a brilliant jeweller!
Muses’ bee, Graces’ baby,
Visor of the most tender
Open up for me and give welcome to my love
I beg you, placate my pain.
He knocks at the Young Woman’s door.
Enter First Old Woman again
First Old Woman:
Hey, you! What’s all this knocking? Are you looking for me?
Epigenes:Shocked
Hell! Wwwwwhy wwwwould I be looking for you?
First Old Woman:
But you were banging on my door.
Epigenes:
I…I… I’d rather die!
First Old Woman:
Well then? What are you looking for, torch and all.
Epigenes:
I… I’m looking for someone from Wank City!
First Old Woman:
Who exactly?
Epigenes:
Who exactly? Well I’m not exactly looking for Mr Carpet
Eater. You’re probably the one who’s expecting him!
First Old Woman:Grabbing him by
the arm
By Aphrodite! Whether you like it or not, you’re mine! Mine!
Epigenes:Shakes himself free.
Wait, woman, wait! We’re not getting into the post-sixty-year-olds right now.
We’ve postponed those for a while. Right now we’re checking out the under
twenty-year olds.
985
First Old Woman:
Under the previous Government, yes but under this one, sweetheart, you’ve got
to enter us first!
Epigenes:
He who wants to play must play by the rules of the game.
First Old Woman:
But… you don’t even eat your dinner by the rules of the game!
Epigenes:Looks puzzled
I… I’m sure you just said something but I just can’t work it out. Now let
me please knock on this door.
First Old Woman:
Not until you knock on mine first!
Epigenes:
But I told you, I don’t need a knocker right now!
First Old Woman:
I know you love me darling! You’re just shocked you’ve found me outside
the house. Come, bring your lips closer to mine!
Epigenes:
Ehhh, No! Nonononono! I’m terrified your lover might appear any
moment!
First Old Woman:
My lover? Which lover?
Epigenes:
The famous artist. Best artist in existence.
995
First Old Woman:
Oh yeah? And who might that be?
Epigenes:
You know, the one who paints all those funereal urns. Mr Death, himself
and in person. You better run off or he might see you at your door.
First Old Woman:
I know, sweetheart, I know! I know exactly what you need to make you
happy!
Epigenes:
By Zeus, and I know exactly what YOU need!
First Old Woman:
By Aphrodite! By the wonderful Aphrodite, who drew my name out of the lottery
box. I’m not letting you go!
1000
Epigenes:
You’re off your head, old woman!
First Old Woman:Tries to grab him
by the phallus but after a bit of a tussle he escapes.
Blah, blah, blah! You’re coming to my bed, darling. Right now!
Follow me!
Epigenes:
By Zeus! Look at her! No need to buy a bucket grip. Look at these
teeth! Just send an old hag like this down the well and use her to grab
all those buckets!
First Old Woman:
Once again she reaches for his phallus. Again he escapes.
Enough playing hard-to-get, silly child! Come with me now! Here’s a good
boy!
Epigenes:
I don’t have to, old girl. At least not unless you’ve deposited in the
State Coffers, one fiftieth of my possessions.
First Old Woman:
Oh yes you do! By Aphrodite, you certainly do have to come with me! You
young folk are my greatest desire! I just love fucking with you!
Epigenes:
No way. I shall never agree to fuck with you. I just hate doing it
with old and ugly women. It won’t work.
First Old Woman:Brings a scroll
out from under her skirt, an act that mortifies Epigenes.
You might not like it but this little decree will make you.
Epigenes:
Hell! Wwwwwhat is that?
First Old Woman:
Hehehehehe! This, my darling boy, is a decree that says you’ve got to
follow me!
Epigenes:
Hell! Rrrrread out wwwwhat it says!
1015
First Old Woman:
All right, I’ll read it for you.
Begins reading
“The women have hereby decreed that if a man desires to fuck a young woman, he
may do so only after he fucks an old one. Further, should this young man
refuse to obey by this statute, the older woman shall be authorised to drag the
aforesaid young man by his cock, without any legal ramifications to her person
or property!”
Epigenes:
Oh no! Oh nononono! Zeus help me! They’re turning me into a victim of
Procrustes. Too long for the bed and they chop it off. Too short
for it and they stretch it! By Zeus, noooooooooo!
First Old Woman:
Our laws, young darling, must be obeyed!
Epigenes:Thinks hurriedly and
anxiously
What if a mate or a neighbour comes along and gets me out of this mess with a
financial arrangement?
First Old Woman:
But, darling, there is yet another law which says, men can only sign contracts
below the value of one medimnus.
Epigenes:Despondent
Is there no reprieve?
First Old Woman:
Nope, no wiggling your bum out of this one, sweetie. It’s your legal
duty!
Epigenes:
Ha! I’ll say I’m a businessman. You can never catch or prosecute
businessmen!
First Old Woman:
Do that, honey and you’ll be sorry!
Epigenes:Deflated
What can I do then?
First Old Woman:
Only one thing you can do, sweetheart: Follow me to my humble abode!
Epigenes:Pleading
Is this absolutely necessary?
First Old Woman:
Ohhhh, absolutely, necessary! More necessary than you can imagine! It’s vitally
necessary!
Epigenes:
Oh well! Get my death bed ready! Let flow the oregano all over it, break
four vine branches to lay beneath me, spread the ribbons upon it, the funereal
urns beside it and water jug by your entrance.
First Old Woman:
And don’t forget the garland you’ll be buying for me!
She grabs him by his phallus and pulls him behind her
1035
Epigenes:
Quite right, quite right! One of those waxen ones that go with funerals
because, once we get in there you’ll become a carcass.
Enter Girl
Young Woman:
Hey, Where are you dragging him?
Epigenes’ phallus responds to the Girl’s appearance
First Old Woman:
He’s mine and I’m taking him inside!
Young Woman:
Now, that wouldn’t be a wise thing you’d be doing there.
He’s a baby and you’re more like his mother then his bed mate! If you women
go on establishing laws like this one, the whole world will be cluttered with
little Oedipuses!
First Old Woman:Outraged
Oh! Oh! You… you… you little slut! You jealous little slut. You’ve just
thought this excuse up out of sheer jealousy! Right! I’ll
leave him to you then but you’ll pay for this! You’ll get your punishment
for this. That’s for sure!
Drops his phallus violently and goes inside.
Epigenes:
By Zeus the Saviour, sweetheart! You’ve done me a huge favour by getting
this old woman off my back. And just for that wonderful deed, this
evening I’ll reward you with a huge and thick gift.
Young Woman becomes excited and pulls Epigenes by the
phallus
Enter Second Old Woman, uglier than the first.
Second Old Woman:Thunderously,
behind Epigenes
Heyyyy! Where are you taking this man, girl? You’re violating laws,
here! The law is written in plain writing: This boy has to fuck me first!
Epigenes:
Jumps with horror. Girl drops the phallus.
Hell! Wwwwwhere did you spring out of? You… you… you evil looking
bit of mmmmisery!
To the Young Woman
This …this… this filthy piece of ugliness is more frightening than the
last.
Second Old Woman:Takes his phallus
and pulls him in the opposite direction.
Come over here, please!
Epigenes:Trembling with fear. To the
Young Woman.
Ohhhh, Ohhhhh, please don’t let her drag me away, darling, please! I
beg you!
Young Woman starts crying and runs away back into the
house.
1055
Second Old Woman:
Silly boy! It’s not me who’s doing the dragging, it’s the law!
Epigenes:
No, it’s not the law at all. It’s some sort of Empousa. Some weird
beast… some big blister full of blood and ugly gore!
Second Old Woman:Tugs sharply at
his phallus
Come on, you little wanker Come with me and stop whining!
Epigenes:
Hang on a minute, please! I… I need to go to the toilet first. It’ll give
me a bit of confidence. Otherwise, I’ll have to do something right here and
you’ll see me go all red and brown with fear!
Second Old Woman:
Come on, courage, darling. Keep going, you’ll be able to do your shitting in
the house.
Epigenes:
I’m afraid, once you get me inside, I’ll be doing more than what I need me to
do.
Indicating his testicles.
Look, I’ll even leave you a couple of bits of excellent collateral!
Second Old Woman:Takes a look at
them then frowns
Don’t bother with the collaterals.
Enter Third Old Woman, even uglier then the previous
two.
1065
Third Old Woman:Thunderously from behind
them
Oi! Oi! Hey you! Where in Hades are you going with her?
Epigenes:Before he sees her
I’m the one who’s been dragged away, darling and may you gain many blessing for
not just standing there and watching my torture, whoever you are!
He turns and sees the Third Old Woman who
has now approached them.
Bbbbby Hhhhherakles! Bbbbby Pppppan! Bbbby the Corybantes! Bbbby
the Dioscuri! Woeeeee! Here’s another horror to beat the other
two! Wwwwwhat an awful sight! But what on earth is this…this
thing? Somebody please tell me, I beg you! Is it some monkey
splattered with make-up or some old carcass come up from the underworld?
Third Old Woman:
Enough with the comedy routine and come with me, you!
Second Old Woman:
No way! This way boy!
Third Old Woman:She grabs another
part of his phallus
I’ll never ever let you go!
Second Old Woman:
Nor will I!
Epigenes:
Stop! You’ll break me in two, you evil Harpes!
Second Old Woman:
According to the law you’ve got to follow me!
Third Old Woman:
Wrong! The law says that if the next woman is uglier, she gets him.
Epigenes:
But… but if I lose my lot with you two stacks of misery, what will I have left
for that gorgeous girl in there?
1081
Third Old Woman:
That’s for you to work out. Right now you’ve got this to attend to!
Lewdly indicating her vagina
Epigenes:
All right then… Which of you do I fuck first so I can escape?
Third Old Woman:
Can’t you see? Walk this way.
Epigenes:
Then tell her to let go!
Second Old Woman:
You’re coming with me, big boy!
Epigenes:
Only if she lets me go.
Third Old Woman:
Certainly not, by Zeus!
Second Old Woman:
Nor me!
Epigenes:
Things would be rough if you two were captains of a ferryboat.
Second Old Woman:
Why is that?
Epigenes:
You’d be making your passengers very sick with all this pulling and tugging.
Third Old Woman:
Shut your face and come this way.
Second Old Woman:
No! Walk this way!
Epigenes:
This is Cannonus’ law for sure. Which is to say that I’ve got to fuck my
accusers… but… how could I possibly work two boats with a single oar?
Second Old Woman:
No problem. Straight after a potful of bulbs, you’ll be right!
Epigenes has been dragged to the front door of the
Second Old Woman
Epigenes:
Oh, poor me! Here I am! Dragged near the front door! Oh me!
Third Old Woman:Yells at the
Second Old Woman
You think this is getting you the goods? Forget it! I’m charging
right into the house as well!
1095
Epigenes:
Oh no! By the gods, oh no! Damn it, if I’m going to lose this
battle let me at least suffer under one of you uglies, not both!
Third Old Woman:
Absolutely no choice in the matter, by Hekate!
Epigenes:To the audience
What a poor bastard I am, ey? Here I am, having to fuck a rotting hag all day
and night, then, I’ll have to jump off her and onto this old toad and start all
over again! And this old toad is so old that I can see the funeral urn
already standing by her cheeks. So aren’t I damned? By Zeus
the Saviour not only am I damned but I’m a heavily damned man and a poor suck
at that, being forced to fuck these two beasts!
Now, if I come up against some disaster while I’m on board these two rabid
toads, bury me right at the mouth of the channel.
Indicating the Third Old Woman.
As for her, bury her alive in tar, put her feet in molten lead all the way up
to her ankles and, instead of an urn stick her up on my grave.
The two old women drag Epigenes into the house and
shut the door behind them.
Enter Praxagora’s MAID, swinging a wine bottle. She is clearly drunk.
She addresses the chorus and the audience.
Maid:
Blessed, blessed, people! God’s best country of them all! And of all, most
blessed is my mistress herself, as well as all you women standing by your
doors, neighbours, neighbours of the same neighbourhood, and me, too! I too, am
most highly blessed, me, a maid with her hair washed in delightful perfumes. O,
glorious Zeus!
Takes a sip
Ha! Most delightful though –more delightful than all these delightful aromas-
are these delightful little bottles of Thasian wine! Zeus bless it, it
stays in your head for such a delightfully long time, they’re still in there
when all the other wines have long lost their delightful bouquet and flown off!
So! These Thasian wines are absolutely the best! Oh, yes!
They are certainly the best! By the gods! If you drink these wines neat
–no messing about with dirty water- they’ll keep you chirpy and happy all the
delightful night long, that is, if you pick the one with the most delightful
bouquet!
Takes another sip
So!
Can one of you tell me where my master’s got to? I mean, my mistress’
master? I mean, my mistress’ mister?
Chorus:
Hang around and I’m sure he’ll be here soon…
Enter Blepyrus with a girl in each arm. All are
garlanded and well inebriated.
Chorus:
Here he is now. Looks like he’s on his way to dinner.
Maid:
O, master! How delightful! You are so lucky! So delightfully
lucky! Thrice delightfully lucky!
Blepyrus:
Me? I’m lucky?
1130
Maid:
You, of course, you! More than any other man in the world, by Zeus, by
Zeus!
She looks around her
Who could be luckier than you, master?
There are thirty thousand citizens out there and they all had a delightful
dinner. You are the only one left!
Chorus:
How lucky can you be!
Maid:
So!
So!
So!
Where are you off to now?
Blepyrus:
I’m off to dinner now.
Maid:
Ha! By Aphrodite you’re the absolute last one of them all. But your
wife still told me to pack you up and take you over there… You can take these
little sweeties with you. You’ll find some wine from Chios still there
and some other lovely morsels. So don’t be late.
To the chorus and the audience
And you, too, folks! All of you who love us and you, too, judges of the play
–those of you who are NOT looking elsewhere!- come, follow me. It’s all
on the house.
Blepyrus:To the maid
Well, come on, girl, be generous! Invite them all, for goodness’
sake! Feel free to invite the old man, the young man, the baby!
There’s dinner for everyone, made to their palette… If they rush home!
Hahahahaha!
Me?
Fondles the girls lasciviously
I’m running off to have my dinner now and…
Indicating his phallus
Well, just as well I’ve got this little torch to show me the way home, ey?
Chorus:
So why hang around here? Off you go! Run! And while you’re on your way
down there, I’ll sing a little table song…
But first, let me make a tiny suggestion to our judges, and it is this:
Judges!
The wise among you, think wisely and judge me as the winner!
The friends of good humour, think humourously and judge me the winner!
So, yes, it’s almost the lot of you I’m addressing this suggestion and ask you
to vote for me! Make me the winner!
Oh! And let not the fact that the draw of the lot brought me on the stage
first hinder your decision. Make me the winner!
Oh! And don’t break your oath as judges. You must judge us fairly,
not like sluttish whores who can only remember their last fuck. Make me the
winner!
Pause
Hoorah, hoorah, hey, hey!
Come on, darlings, move to the rhythm of this dee-lightful tune and let’s get
ourselves to that dinner!
If dinner is what we want!
Hoorah, hoorah, hey, hey!
Kick your feet like the men from Crete
Dance to their own dee-lightful tune!
Feet are kicked high.
Blepyrus:
That’s what I’m doing!
Hahahahaha!
Chorus:
And you, too, girls! So lithe, so supple, so… dee-lightful! Join us
and move your bum! Kick high to our rhythm, for soon, you’ll see food like
you’ve never seen before.
Morsels like:
Greasy and salted saltfish and shark fish and catfish
And stinky skull fish and deadfish and braised beetles
And sparrows in oil and honey dripping from their beaks
And ring-doves and chook-cocks and baked swallows
And marrow from rabbits in wine cooked very fine
And covered in cheese and in vinegar and silphium
And…
Well, now that you’ve heard what’s there, run, run raise the dust while you run
and…
Bring a plate with you and… just in case, put some beans on it!
Blepyrus:
Oh ho! How happy our gullets and tongues will be!
1180
Chorus:
We won, we won, we won!
As one, one, one!
Kick your legs
Girls
Kick them high
Let’s go to dinner
Let’s say, hurray!
Hurrayyyy!
Exit all
END OF
“WOMEN IN PARLIAMENT”