ARGUMENT

Chremes set sail, with brother Demipho,

Who left his son in Athens - Antipho.

He had a wife and daughter on the isle

Of Lemnos; he was married, too, meanwhile,

To a dame in Athens; he’d a son and heir

Who lived in Athens also – that is where

He loved a lutanist. The Lemnian wife

To Athens came and it was there her life

Came to an end. Since Chremes was elsewhere,

The daughter paid the funeral rites, but there 10

Did Antipho see her and desperately

He fell in love and married her (this he

Had brought about thanks to a servant). Then,

On their return to Athens, the old men,

Enraged, made a decision then to pay

Thirty minas for the slave to take away

The girl and have her married. With this sum

The lutanist was bought and Phanium

(That’s Chremes’ daughter) Antipho then might

Keep, too, with her identity brought to light. 20

PROLOGUE

Since that old poet can’t draw me away

From writing, forcing me to waste my day,

By calumny he tries to frighten me

From my pursuit – he says that previously

My plays were poor in language, lacking flair,

Since I had never written anywhere

The tale of some mad youth seeing a hind

Take flight from hounds and vowing to be kind

In coming to her aid. But, had he known

This play, when first presented, held its own 10

More owing to the merits of the cast

Than to its own, he’d have curtailed his blast

Of censure. Should someone believe or say,

If that old bard had not made his foray,

The new one’s prologue would not have been made

Had there not been someone to be inveighed

Against, tell him: all those whose labour lies

In the dramatic arts may win the prize.

He’d drive me to the poorhouse; but if he

Had spoken civilly, then civilly 20

Would he have been addressed. But let him take

This tit-for-tat. This talk of him I’ll make

An end of when the fellow makes an end

Of his offending. Now you must attend

To what I ask: I bring you a new piece

(It’s called Epidikazomenos in Greece,

Though Phormio in Rome). This name will be

The name of the protagonist – it’s he

Who mainly will advance the plot, should you

Approve my work. Now pay attention, do; 30

Be silently impartial, lest we know

Again the fate we knew some time ago –

A brawl caused our eviction from that place.

Thanks to the actor’s merit and the grace

And candour that you manifested, too,

In backing him, we now are back with you.

I.i

Davus:

Geta, my fellow-citizen and staunch chum,

Came yesterday: a small residuum

Of his account for quite some time I’d let

Stay in my hands. He wanted it offset. 40

This have I done and now I’m on my way

To give it him. His master’s son, they say,

Has wed: this tiny modicum, I’m sure,

He’s scraped together so as to procure

A wedding gift. Why must the indigent

Always be giving to the opulent

Something? This wretch, degree by small degree,

Has from his ration scraped up selflessly

What she will take away with not a whit

Of thought to all the toil involved with it. 50

Besides, he will be forced to give another

After his mistress has become a mother,

Another on his birthday, then when they

Initiate him – these she’ll take away,

The child a pretext only. Don’t I see

Geta?

I.ii

[Enter Geta]

Geta:

Should a red-haired man inquire of me –

Davus:

Stop there! He’s here.

Geta:

Oh, I’ve been trying to meet

You, Davus.

Davus:

Here’s the cash – it’s there, complete!

Already counted!

Geta:

I’m obliged to you

For not neglecting the amount that’s due, 60

Especially since in the present mood,

When being reimbursed, one’s gratitude

Should be immense.

Davus:

Why are you so depressed?

Geta:

With such alarm and peril am I stressed –

You’ve no idea!

Davus:

What’s up?

Geta:

You’ll know at once –

But keep it secret.

Davus:

Out upon you, dunce!

You’ve seen my trust with cash, yet timidly

You will not trust some secret thing with me.

What would I gain from my deceit?

Geta:

O.K.,

Then listen.

Davus:

I’m all ears.

Geta:

Are you au fait 70

With the elder brother of our gentleman,

One Chremes?

Davus:

Yes, of course.

Geta:

Alright, and can

You say you know Phaedria, his son?

Davus:

As well

As I know you.

Geta:

Well, then, my tale I’ll tell:

Both old men travelled simultaneously,

The one to Lemnos, while concurrently

Our man went to Cilicia to stay

With an old pal who, so that he might sway

His friend, had sent him letters and a vow

Of gold - a mountain’s worth.

Davus:

He has that now – 80

Why add more?

Geta:

Quiet! That’s his way.

Davus:

A king

Is what I should be!

Geta:

Both, abandoning

Their sojourns, left me as a guardian

To both their sons.

Davus:

An onerous duty, man!

Geta:

Ain’t it the truth? My genius, I thought,

In anger had forsaken me. I sought

At first to thwart them. While my loyalty

Remained, my back sustained some injury.

But then I thought, ”Why fight it?” I began,

Therefore, to cater to their every plan. 90

Davus:

You knew the market price.

Geta:

Well then, our lad

Phaedria at first got up to nothing bad.

Soon he’d picked up a lutanist whom he

Loved madly, but she lived in slavery

To a foul pimp. Those fathers took great heed

To give him nothing. Phaedria would feed

His eyes on her and follow her about

And take her to and from her school. Without

A thing to do, we’d help the lad. The school

Was opposite a barber’s shop – we’d cool 100

Our heels there usually to wait till she

Came home again. Meanwhile, one day while we

Sat there, a youth came weeping. In surprise

We asked him why he had tears in his eyes.

“Never,” he said, “has poverty been so

Grievous than now – I’m sunk so very low.

Just now I’ve seen a wretched local maid

Lamenting her dead mother, who was laid

Out cold before her. There was not one friend,

Acquaintance or relation who might tend 110

To her, except one maid. My sympathy

Was roused. She was a beauty.” In short, we

Were all moved. “Do you wish, “ said Antipho,

“To visit her?” “I think we ought to go,”

The other said. “Lead us.” We went, we came,

We saw - she was a beauty. She could claim

More beauty still, because her beauty there

Was hardly heightened, for her feet were bare,

Her hair dishevelled, her apparel mean;

She was in tears, neglected; had there been 120

No excess charm in her, her comeliness

Would then have been reduced to nothingness.

Now, he who loved the lutanist said, “Oh,

She’s nice enough.” Our youth, though –

Davus:

Oh, I know –

Fell for her.

Geta:

Yes, and how! You’ll see. Next day

He went straight to the crone, beseeching, “Pray

Let me have her.” “This is unwarranted –

She’s an Athenian citizen,” she said,

“Well-born, well-bred. If you would marry her,

Do so – but legally. If not, then, sir, 130

No deal!” He, at a loss, had the desire

To marry her but feared his absent sire.

Davus:

Why? Would he not have given him leave had he

Returned?

Geta:

A girl of obscure pedigree

And dowerless? No, never.

Davus:

In the end

What happened?

Geta:

There’s a parasite, old friend,

One Phormio, a self-assured young man

(God curse him!)

Davus:

What did he do?

Geta:

Well, his plan

Was this: “the law states orphan girls must wed

Their next of kin. I’ll say that’s you; that said, 140

I will arraign you and pretend to be

Her father’s friend; before the judges we

Will cite her father, mother and how you

Are kin to her; all this I’ll state as true

(It’s suited to my purpose); no detail

Of this will you refute; I shall prevail;

Your father will return and we will row –

So what? She’ll still be ours.”

Davus:

A witty vow!

Geta:

It worked – they came to court. A crushing blow!

They wed.

Davus:

What’s that you say?

Geta:

You heard – you know. 150

Davus:

What’s to become of you?

Geta:

I honestly

Don’t know, but I will with serenity

Bear what the gods may send.

Davus:

A manly view!

Geta:

All of my hope is in myself.

Davus:

Well, you

Have earned my praise for that.

Geta:

Perhaps I’ll see

If someone will speak for me with this plea:

“Forgive him this time, but, should he offend

Once more, I’ll drop him.” But let him not end

With “When I leave, then kill him.”

Davus:

He who taught

The lutanist (well, he at least who brought 160

Her to the school – and from it!) – how is he?

Geta:

Not well.

Davus:

He hasn’t much to give, maybe.

Geta:

Only his hope!

Davus:

His father – is he here?

Geta:

Not yet.

Davus:

Your old man – when will he appear,

You think?

Geta:

Don’t know. He sent a note, they say –

It’s with the customs people. I’m away

To fetch it.

Davus:

Geta, is there anything more

You want of me?

Geta:

Be well. [Exit Davus] Come to the door,

Boy. Take this and give it to Dorcium.

I.iii

[Enter Antipho and Phaedria]

Antipho:

When thoughts of Dad’s returning hither come 170

Into my mind, Phaedria, I’m filled with terror.

I should have waited for him – tactless error!

Phaedria:

What’s up?

Antipho:

You ask me that? – we were a team

In this bold enterprise! Would that this scheme

Had never crossed the mind of Phormio

And he had not persuaded me to go

Ahead with it – the spring of my distress.

Then I would not have gained her. Oh, I guess

I might have been uneasy for a spell

But not tormented by this daily hell. 180

Phaedria:

I hear you.

Antipho:

I expect him every hour –

Then he will part us.

Phaedria:

Others’ lack of power

To gain their love brings them anxiety,

While you lament a superfluity

Of love. You have a surfeit, Antipho.

Upon my life we all should seek to know

A life like yours. O would that I were blessed

To spend my life with her I love the best –

Happy I’d be. Against your affluence

Now weigh my paucity: at no expense 190

You’ve gained a well-born, genteel girl, a wife

Of stainless reputation – such a life

Of joy except that equanimity

Has passed you by. You’d find that quality

If you dealt with that pimp as I have done.

Antipho:

Still, Phaedria, you seem the lucky one.

You may without restraint do what you please –

Keep her or let her go. Neither of these

May I do – I’ve no rights nor liberty.

But look, there’s Geta hurrying to me. 200

I dread the news he brings.

I.iv

[Enter Geta]

Geta: You’re a dead man

Unless you come up quickly with a plan,

Geta. You’re unprepared and evils loom.

I don’t know how to dodge my certain doom.

If we don’t act adroitly, grief will drop

On me or on my master. I can’t stop

Folk knowing now about our brazenness.

Antipho: [to Phaedria]

What’s up with him?

Geta:

To put to rights this mess

I’ve very little time. My master’s near

At hand.

Antipho: [to Phaedria]

What’s all this mischief?

Geta:

He’ll soon hear 210

Of it. What shall I do to stem his pique?

I’ll irritate him if I choose to speak,

Provoke him if I’m silent; if I make

Excuses, well, I might as well then bake

A baked brick and try washing it. Oh hell!

I’m so afraid, though discomposed as well

For Antipho. He keeps me here – without

The man I would have headed out

And saved myself, avenging the old man

For being crabby, grabbing what I can. 220

Antipho: [to Phaedria]

How can he manage that?

Geta:

Where’s Antipho?

Phaedria: [to Antipho]

That’s you!

Antipho:

I fear he bears bad news.

Phaedria:

Oh no,

Are you quite sane?

Geta:

I’m off home – usually

He’s there.

Phaedria: [to Antipho]

Let’s call him back.

Antipho:

Stop instantly!

Geta:

Whoever you are, I’ll bow to your command.

Antipho:

Geta!

Geta:

The man I wanted – here at hand!

Antipho:

Tell me your news, and in one word, I pray.

Geta:

I will.

Antipho:

Then speak.

Geta:

Now at the harbour bay –

Antipho:

My father?

Geta:

Yes, you’ve got it.

Antipho:

Then I’m dead.

Phaedria:

Nah!

Antipho:

What am I to do?

Phaedria: [to Geta]

What’s that you said? 230

Geta:

I’ve seen his dad, your uncle.

Antipho:

Remedy

For this so sudden blow I cannot see.

O Phanium, if Fate takes me from you,

My life’s not bearable.

Geta:

Here’s what you do,

Therefore – be more alert, for Fortune backs

The brave.

Antipho:

I’m not myself.

Geta:

But, sir, the facts

Need you to be so now especially,

For if he senses your timidity,

Your father will assume some guilt in you.

Phaedria:

That’s true.

Antipho:

I cannot change.

Geta:

What would you do 240

If faced with something else more burdensome?

Antipho:

I’m even less equipped for that.

Geta:

Come, come,

You’re useless. Phaedria, why do we stew

In vain here, wasting time? I’m off.

Phaedria:

Me too.

Antipho:

What if I should adopt a certain air?

Geta:

Don’t be a fool.

Antipho:

Look at me [adopts an air]. Is that fair

Enough?

Geta:

No.

Antipho:

This? [adopts another air]

Geta:

You’re warmer.

Antipho:

This? [adopts another air]

Geta:

O.K.,

Just keep to that: whatever he may say,

Reply in kind. Don’t let him agitate

You with his bluster.

Antipho:

Yes, I get it.

Geta:

State 250

That you were forced…

Phaedria:

…by law!

Geta:

You follow me?

Who is that old man down the street I see?

It’s him!

Antipho:

I cannot stay.

Geta:

What’s up with you?

Where are you off to, Antipho? Stay, do.

Antipho:

I know myself – and that offence of mine.

My Phamium – my life, too – I consign

To you. [exit]

Phaedria:

What now?

Geta:

You’ll hear controversy

And, if I’m not mistaken, I will be

Strung up. Our own advice to Antipho,

Though, we must take.

Phaedria:
No “musts”, man, let them go. 260

Just tell me what to do.

Geta:

Do you recall

Your words at the beginning of it all

In order to protect ourselves? The cause,

You said, was just and clear, within all laws,

Unanswerable.

Phaedria:

I do.

Geta:

That plea we need,

Unless there’s something likelier.

Phaedria:

Indeed

I’ll do my best.

Geta:

Go first. Right here I’ll stay

As back-up if you need my help.

Phaedria:

O.K.

II.i

[Enter Demipho]

Demipho: [to himself]

Is Antipho, then, wed against my will?

Has he no shame? Does he not feel a chill 270

At my authority? – authority??

No, my displeasure. Such audacity!

O Geta, rare advice!

Geta:

Right at the end

He had to say that!

Demipho:

How will they defend

Themselves, I wonder.

Geta: [aside]

Oh, I’ll find a way.

What next?

Demipho:

“I had to do it,” will he say?

“It was the law.” Yes, yes, that’s true.

Geta: [aside]

Indeed.

Demipho:

But knowingly, in silence, to concede

The case – was that the law?

Phaedria:

He’s pitiless!

Geta:

Hush, let me think.

Demipho:

I don’t know, I confess, 280

What I should do. It’s all beyond belief,

Unlooked-for. One should think upon one’s grief

In loss and risk when back from overseas –

A son’s offence, a wife’s death, the disease

Of a daughter – knowing it’s all prevalent.

Thus nothing new may cause bewilderment.

What is beyond one’s hopes one must believe

Will turn to gain.

Geta:

Oh, no-one can conceive

How much more wisdom can be found in me

Than in my master. Each adversity 290

Of mine I’ve pondered: should he reappear,

He’ll send me to the mill to grind, I fear,

Beat me, put me in chains, force me to sweat

Out in the fields – all this will not be met

With wonder. What will unexpectedly

Occur I’ll count as gain. Now hastily

Go to him; first off make him warm to you.

Demipho:

Why, Phaedria’s approaching – my nephew.

Phaedria:

Uncle, hello.

Demipho:

Hello. Where’s Antipho?

Phaedria:

I’m glad you’re safely back.

Demipho:

Yes. Let me know 300

Your answer.

Phaedria:

He’s nearby. He, too, is well.

Is everything alright?

Demipho:

I wish!

Phaedria;

Well, tell

Me what’s the matter.

Demipho:

Oh, the nerve of you

To ask me that! While I’m away, you two

Contrive a lovely marriage!

Phaedria:

And that’s got

You mad?

Geta: [aside]

Nice acting, that!

Demipho:

How can I not?

I long to get him in my sights that he

Might learn that through his own delinquency

His father’s turned from mellow to severe.

Phaedria:

No sin has he committed, uncle dear, 310

To cause your wrath.

Demipho:

They’re in collusion – see!

Know one, know all! It’s a conspiracy!

Phaedria:

Not true.

Demipho:

When one’s in trouble, to his aid

There comes the other. They take turns to trade

Support.

Geta:

Well, there unwittingly he drew

An accurate picture of them.

Demipho:

Phaedria, you

Would not have helped things if that had been so.

Phaedria:

If any sin pertained to Antipho

To harm his profit or his reputation,

He should be punished in retaliation. 320

But if for this poor youth there was a trap

That had been laid by some designing chap

Successfully, then who should we reprove,

Ourselves or else the judges, who remove,

Through envy, money from the rich and give

It to the poor through pity?

Geta:

As I live,

I’d say he tells the truth – except I know

The facts of these proceedings. Is there, though,

A judge who knows your rights when you would say

Nothing in your defence – like him?

Geta:

When they 330

Went to those judges, he performed the part

Of a noble youth. He could not speak his heart –

His modesty confused him in his fear.

Geta: [aside]

Well, good for him! But what am I doing here?

Approach the codger. [to Demipho] Sir, it gladdens me

To see you safely back.

Demipho:

Oh, fine trustee

Of all my kin, good-day! I went away

While trusting you to be my son’s mainstay!

Geta:

For some time now your censure have I heard,

And we do not deserve it – not one word – 340

Particularly I – I’ve not been freed,

As yet, and thus am not allowed to plead

A case or be a witness. What did you

Expect of me?

Demipho:

I own all that is true;

Unused to lawsuits, he had cause to fear,

And you’re a slave, and yet, however near

In kin she is to us, there was no need

To marry her. The law enjoins, indeed,

You may provide a dowry and then she

May seek another. Why, instead, did he 350

Bring home that pauper?

Geta:

No sure reason why,

But he was broke.

Demipho:

He could have borrowed.

Geta:

Aye,

Easily said!

Demipho:

At least on interest

If all else failed.

Geta:

Oh, fine words! I’m impressed!

Who’d lend him money while you live?

Demipho:

No way!

She shan’t reside with him one single day!

She isn’t worthy. I want you to show

Me him, or where he lives.

Geta:

What, Phormio?

Demipho:

The man who’ll speak for her.

Geta:

I’ll bring him here.

Demipho:

Where’s Antipho?

Geta:

Out somewhere.

Demipho:

Disappear 360

And find him, Phaedria. Bring him to me.

Phaedria:

I’m off.

Geta:

Yes, to Pamphila’s, certainly.

Demipho:

I’ll greet my household gods and then I’ll walk

On to the forum so that I may talk

With friends and ask their help that I may be

Not unprepared when Phormio comes to me. [exit]

II.ii

[Enter Phormio]

Phormio:

Fearing his father, he has gone away?

Geta:

That’s right.

Phormio:

And Phormio’s left alone, you say?

Geta:

Correct.

Phormio:

The old man’s mad?

Geta:

Exceedingly.

Phormio: [to himself]

Upon you, Phormio, this catastrophe 370

Now rests. You’ve hashed it up, the thing’s a mess.

Now you must swallow it. Come on.

Geta:

Oh yes,

I beg of you.

Phormio: [to himself]

If he should ask –

Geta:

In you

Lies all our hope.

Phormio: [to himself]

I wonder, will this do? –

He sends her back.

Geta:

You forced him!

Phormio: [to himself]

Yes, that’s wise.

Geta:

Help us!

Phormio:

So bring his dad before our eyes. 380

I’ve got it all mapped out.

Geta:

What is your plan?

Phormio:

He’ll keep the girl and I will clear the man

Of this offence and turn the old man’s spleen

Against myself.

Geta:

Brave friend! But I have been

So often anxious lest your bravery

Should put us in the stocks.

Phormio:

That will not be.

I’ve checked the dangers and I know the way

My feet must go. How many, would you say,

- Both citizens and foreigners – have I

Flogged – even fatally? Such things I try 390

The more I know about them. Have you ever

Heard of an action brought against me? Never.

Geta:

How come?

Phormio:

Because it’s not for birds of prey

The net is spread – they put us in harm’s way.

It’s spread for those who cause no injury,

For there lies profit, while profligacy

Comes from the others. When there is something

That can be gained, danger is threatening

From others. But I have damn-all and they

Know that. “They’ll take you as their slave,” you’ll say. 400

To feed a hungry guy? No, in my view

He who won’t benefit a person who

May injure him is wise.

Geta:

He cannot be

Thankful enough for your benignity.

Phormio:

There’s never gratitude enough, indeed,

That one can give his patron who will feed

Him free of charge when he comes, squeaky-clean,

Anointed, from the baths where he has been

At leisure, while the patron is with care

And his expenses eaten up. While there 410

Is everything to please you, he is sore.

You laugh, you drink and settle down before

The rest. You’re served a banquet full of doubt –

Geta:

What do you mean by that?

Phormio:

You can’t work out

Which item is the best. When you have thought

How choice and costly is the food he’s bought,

Must you not think that he’s a god?

Geta:

Look there –

The old man is approaching. Have a care –

First onset is the fiercest.

[Enter Demipho, Hegio, Cratinus, Crito]

Demipho
Oh the scorn!

Was there an outrage that was ever borne 420

More heavily than this? I beg of you,

Help me.

Geta:

He’s angry.

Phormio:

You, wait for your cue.

I’ll give him hell. God, Demipho disputes

That Phanium is kin?

Geta:

Yes.

Phormio:

And refutes

That he knows who her father was?

Geta:

That’s true.

Demipho:

That is the man I spoke of. Follow, do.

Phormio:

Nor does he know who Stilpho was?

Geta:

Agreed.

Phormio:

Because she was renounced in dire need,

Her dad disowned and she disgraced. Oh hell,

The fruits of greed! Badmouth my master? Well, 430

You’ll get a mouthful if you do.

Demipho:

Has he

Come here on purpose just to lambast me?

Phormio:

Now just because the youth is unaware

Of who her father was I will not bear

Him any malice. For that man is old

And poor and by hard toil keeps his household;

He’s chiefly out of town where he’d a plot

Of land to cultivate (my father got

It him). Meanwhile the old man says that he,

His kinsman, has neglected him. And, gee, 440

I’ve never seen a better man.

Geta:

Watch out –

Mind what you say.

Phormio:

Get lost. There is no doubt

That if I’d not admired him, then she

Would not have garnered for her family

My rancour – in a most ungenerous fashion

He slights them now.

Geta:

Are you still in a passion,

Cursing my master, swine, while he’s away?

Phormio:

Well, he deserves it.

Geta:

Oh how dare you say

Such things, you jailbird?

Demipho:

Geta!

Phormio:

Falsify

The laws, you thief, would you?

Demipho:

Geta!

Phormio: [aside]

Reply. 450

Geta:

Who is it? Oh!

Demipho:

Be quiet!

Geta:

Night and day

He would revile you while you were away -

All lies - to his advantage.

Demipho:

Shush! I yearn,

With your permission, my good youth, to learn,

If you are pleased to answer, who this chum

You speak of was. Tell me - how did it come

About that he said he and I were kin?

Phormio:

Oh yes, go on, pretend to reel it in

As if you didn’t know!

Demipho:

How could I do?

Phormio:

You know!

Demipho:

Well, if I do, you’ll have to cue 460

My memory.

Phormio:

You really do not know

Your cousin on your mother’s side?

Demipho:

Oh! Oh!

You’re killing me. His name! Just tell it me!

Phormio:

His name?

Demipho:

Come on, speak up!

Phormio: [aside]

Calamity!

I can’t recall.

Demipho:

Tell me.

Phormio:

Geta, d’you know

The name that only just a while ago

I told you? Tell it me. [to Demipho] I’ll not tell you –

You know it well and now come here to screw

The facts from me.

Demipho:

I what?

Geta: [aside to Phormio]

Stilpho.

Phormio:

O.K.,

It’s Stilpho.

Demipho:

What was that?

Phormio:

Stilpho, I say. 470

You know him.

Demipho:

I do not know him, nor do

I have a relative by that name.

Phormio:

Aren’t you

Ashamed? If he had left to you, however,

Ten talents –

Demipho:

Curse you!

Phormio:

- you’d at once endeavour

To trace the forebears in your ancestry

Three generations back.

Demipho:

Presumably,

And then I would have told you how we two

Were relatives. So now I’m asking you

That question.

Geta: Well said, sir. [to Phormio] Watch out – you hear?

Phormio:

My duty I’ve already made quite clear. 480

Why did your son not prove it was untrue

If such it was?

Demipho:

Speak of my son, would you?

He’s just too dumb to waste words on.

Phormio:

Well then,

Since you are wise, go to the courts again

For a retrial. You’re preeminent

Around here and alone can gain consent

For that.

Demipho:

Though wronged, I want no litigation

Nor words from you – let’s say she’s a relation

And rates a dowry. So take her away.

Here’s five minae.

Phormio:

Oh very funny!

Demipho:

Pray, 490

Is that unfair? Or am I to obtain

Not even this, which is my legal gain?

Phormio:

Are you allowed to treat her like a whore,

Then pay her hire and send her packing or,

Lest poverty disgrace her, mustn’t she

Nor rather wed her next-of-kin and be

With just one man, which you would thwart?

Demipho:

Just so,

Her next-of-kin, yes. For what reason, though,

Should she be ours?

Phormio:

A thing tried once, they say,

Can’t be retried.

Demipho:

Oh no? I’ll plug away 500

Till I succeed.

Phormio:

That’s nonsense!

Demipho:

Leave me be.

Phormio:

To sum it up, you’re nothing, sir, to me.

Your son is damned, not you; your marrying days

Are past.

Demipho:

Imagine what I say he says

As well or both of them I’ll ostracize.

Geta: [aside]

That’s quite a passion.

Phormio:

You will be more wise.

Demipho:
Are you resolved, you wretch, to lay on me

Your very best?

Phormio:

He’s scared of us, though he

Conceals it well.

Geta: [aside to Phormio]

A good beginning there!

Phormio:

If you bear everything that you must bear, 510

You’ll do a worthwhile thing, and then we’ll be

Close friends.

Demipho:

Close friends? As if I’d want to see

Or hear you anymore!

Phormio:

But if you two

Can find accord, then that will gladden you

In your old age – consider that.

Demipho:

Oh why

Not keep her, then, yourself?

Phormio:

Do modify

Your anger!

Demipho:

Act! The time for words is past.

Unless you take the girl and do it fast

I’ll turn her out of doors.

Phormio:

If you would dare

To treat a noble maid that way, beware: 520

I’ll bring a whopping action, Demipho,

Against you. If you need me, let me know –

I’ll be at home.

Geta:

I get it. [exit Phormio]

II.iv

Demipho:

What distress

My son affords me. This whole nuptial mess

Involves us both! And he’s not here that I

At least may hear his views. [to Geta] Begone and try

To see If he’s gone home or not.

Geta:

I go.

Demipho: [to the assistants] You see now how things stand. Look, Hegio,

What should I do?

Hegio:

Cratinus knows, I feel,

If you agree.

Demipho:

Cratinus, I appeal 530

To you.

Cratinus:

You want my counsel?

Demipho:

Yes, I do.

Cratinus:

I think that you should do what favours you.

Your son’s deed in your absence now should be

Put back to square one: thus will victory

Be yours.

Demipho:

Now, Hegio, your evaluation.

Hegio:

I think he spoke with due deliberation.

There are as many viewpoints, though, as folk –

Each has his way – and one may not revoke,

I think, a carried law – it’s wrong to try.

Demipho:

Speak, Crito.

Crito:

More discussion – that’s what I 540

Propose. Tough case!

Hegio:

You need us anymore?

Demipho:

No thank you. [exeunt assistants] I’m more shaky than before.

[Enter Geta]

Geta:

They say he’s not come back.

Demipho:

Then I must stay

And wait for Chremes, and what he will say

In counsel I will follow. Now I’ll go

Down to the port to ask if any know

When he’ll return.

Geta:

And I will go seek out

Antipho so that he’ll be in no doubt

Of what occurred here. But look there – I see

That he is coming, just propitiously. 550

III.i

[enter Antipho]

Antipho:

In many ways you’re guilty, Antipho,

For this dismay you’re feeling – just to go

Away and place your very sustenance

In others! Did you think they could advance

You better than yourself? For certainly

You should have entertained some sympathy,

Despite how other matters stood, for her

Who lives with you, in case she should incur

Some harm through trusting you. Poor creature, she

Has placed all of her hopes and property 560

In you.

Geta:

Master, we have for some large span

Of time rebuked your absence.

Antipho:

Just the man

That I’ve been seeking.

Geta:

I’m remiss as well,

However.

Antipho:

Tell me where my fortunes dwell.

Has Dad guessed something?

Geta:

No, not yet.

Antipho:

Is there

Yet hope?

Geta:

I don’t know.

Antipho:

Ah! I’m in despair!

Geta:

But Phaedria has risked both life and limb

On your behalf.

Antipho:

That’s typical of him.

Geta:

And Phormio has showed himself to be

A man of energy.

Antipho:

What is it he 570

Has done?

Geta:

He gagged the old man in his gall.

Antipho:

Fine chap!

Geta:

I helped as well.

Antipho:

I love you all.

Geta:

That’s how things stood; and they’re still peaceful now.

Your father’s waiting for your uncle.

Antipho:

How

Is that?

Geta:

He wants his help in this affair.

Antipho:

To see my uncle safe-arrived will scare

Me half to death. He said, from what I hear,

I am to live or die.

Geta:

Pheadria’s near.

Antipho:

Where?

Geta:

Coming from “The Wrestling-House”.

III.ii

[Enter Phaedria and Dorio]

Phaedria:

Now see,

Dorio…

Dorio:

No!

Phaedria;

Let me speak one word…

Dorio:

No, leave me be. 580

Phaedria:

No, listen…

Dorio:

Look, I’m tired of hearing what

I’ve heard a thousand times.

Phaedria:

The news I’ve got

Will please you.

Dorio:

I’m all ears..

Phaedria:

Can’t I sway you

To stay three days? Where are you going to?

Dorio:

I wondered if you’d something new to tell.

Antipho:

I fear for this procurer.

Geta:

I as well.

Phaedria:

You don’t believe me?

Dorio:

No, you’re blabbering.

Phaedria:

I promise.

Dorio:

Crap.

Phaedria:

Your kindness, you will find,

Will bring you profit.

Dorio:

You’re out of your mind.

Phaedria:

You will be glad.

Dorio:

All dreams!

Phaedria:

It won’t take long

To try it.

Dorio:

You still sing the same old song.

Phaedria:

You’ll be my kinsman, father, friend…

Dorio:

Oh, twitter

Away!

Phaedria:

To be so harsh, severe and bitter 590

That you’re not moved by prayers or sympathy!

Dorio:

To be so black and thoughtless endlessly

That you can use fine words and think you can

Take her for nothing!

Antipho: [aside to Geta]

I pity the man.

Phaedria:

I’m done for.

Geta:

Oh how well both men sustain

Their characters.

Phaedria:

How awful that the pain

Of my distress occurred when Antipho

Was being inconvenienced also.

Antipho:

What is the matter, Phaedria?

Phaedria:

Lucky you,

My cousin.

Antipho:

Lucky? I?

Phaedria:

Of course, you who 600

Possess your love and are not in the mess

I find myself in now.

Antipho:

Do I possess

My love? Well, I am holding, as they say,

A wolf by both its ears. I have no way

Of knowing how to lose or keep her.

Dorio: [pointing to Phaedria]

Is in the same boat.

Antipho:

Show yourself to be

The pimp you are. What has he done?

The swine

Has sold my Pamphila – that girl was mine!

Geta:

What? Sold her?

Antipho”

Sold her?

Phaedria:

Sold her.

Dorio: [sarcastically]

Shame! To buy

A wench with one’s own money!

Phaedria:

Nor can I 610

Get him to wait three more days and reverse

The deal so I may put into my purse

The cash my friends have promised me. If you

Have not been paid by then, you’ve license to

Wait not one hour more.

Dorio:

Oh, excellent!

Antipho:

It’s not a long time, Dorio. Consent –

He’ll pay you double for your gracious heart.

Dorio:

Words, words!

Antipho:

So will you tear their love apart

And take her from this city?

Dorio:

It’s not I

Nor you who do that.

Geta:

May the gods supply 620

You with your just deserts.

Dorio:

For months on end

Against my will I’ve stomached you, my friend –

Your vows, your tears, your failure to provide

The cash. But now I’ve found one who, dry-eyed,

Will pay up. For your betters, now, make way.

Antipho:

As I remember, though, there was a day

Prescribed for payment.

Phaedria:

Yes, that’s true.

Dorio:

Do I

Deny that fact?

Antipho:

Well, has that day passed by?

Dorio:

No. This precedes it.

Geta:

Oh, the perfidy!

Aren’t you ashamed?

Dorio:

Not while it profits me. 630

Geta:

You pile of shit!

Phaedria:

You think that this is right?

Dorio:

That’s how I am. If that suits you, you might

Make use of me.

Antipho:

You’d toy with him, would you?

Dorio:

Oh no, he toys with me. He always knew

My character. I find he’s not the same

As he appears. He’s played an artful game.

I am not changed. Tomorrow at daybreak,

However, the captain says he’ll come to make

His payment. Phaedria, I will obey

My own precept: whoever comes to pay 640

Before the other wins the prize. Goodbye!

III.iii

Phaedria:

What can I do? How, in a twink, can I

Acquire the cash? I might as well be dead.

I’m destitute! The cash was warranted

Had I three days in hand.

Antipho:

Geta, shall we

Allow this man to suffer after he,

As I have said, showed me such kindliness?

Let’s pay him back.

Geta:

That’s honourable.

Antipho:

Yes,

And you’re the one can do it.

Geta:

In what way?

Antipho:

Procure the cash.

Geta:

I’m dying to, but say 650

From where.

Antipho:

My father’s back.

Geta:

I know. And so - ?

Antipho:

A word to the wise will do.

Geta:

Then, Antipho,

That’s it?

Antipho:

It is.

Geta:

You counsel famously!

Get lost! If I meet no adversity

Through his marriage, shall I not rejoice? Yet you

Would have me, for his sake, seek out anew

More trouble.

Antipho:

Well, that’s true.

Phaedria:

Look, have we met

Before this, Geta?

Geta:

‘Course we have, and yet

That the old man is angry with us all 660

Is no small matter – so are we to gall

Him further? That would leave us no leeway

For pleas.

Phaedria:

Some other man will take away

My girl to some new place. So speak to me

While you still have the opportunity.

Look at me while I’m here.

Antipho:

So I may – what?

Phaedria:

I’ll find whatever godforsaken spot

She’s taken to or die.

Antipho:

May you succeed,

But careful! [to Geta] What support that he may need –

Provide it.

Geta:

How?

Antipho:

Please, Geta, try, I pray,

Lest he do something on some later day 670

That we’ll regret.

Geta:

I’m trying now – well, he

Is fine, I think. I fear some devilry,

However.

Antipho:

Don’t. Both good and bad we’ll share.

Geta:

What is the sum we need?

Antipho:

Not much – there, there! –

Just thirty minae.

Geta:

Wow, that’s quite a heap

Of money. She’s expensive.

Antipho:

No, she’s cheap.

Geta:

O.K. I’ll get them for you.

Phaedria:

Lovely man!

Geta:

Well, off you go.

Phaedria:

Be as swift as you can –

I need them now.

Geta:

I will, but Phormio

Must help me.

Antipho:

Well, he’s ready. Off you go, 680

Load him with questions most courageously.

He’ll bear them; he’s a loyal friend to me.

Geta:

Let’s go at once, then.

Antipho:

Do you need me, too?

Phaedria:

No thanks. Go home and, please, I beg of you,

Console that poor thing who, half-dead with fright,

I’m sure is there.

Antipho:

I will, with more delight

Than anything.

Phaedria:

How will you do this, though?

Geta:

Well, first begone. I’ll tell you as we go.

IV.i

[Enter Demipho and Chremes]

Demipho:

Well, did you bring your daughter back, my brother,

From Lemnos as you planned?

Chremes:

No.

Demipho:

Why?

Chremes:

Her mother, 690

Since I in Athens made a lengthy stay

And since our girl was growing day by day

And needed me, they say set off to see

If she could find me, with her family.

Demipho:

Hearing of this, then, why had you remained

For such a long time there?

Chremes:

I was detained

By illness.

Demipho:

Which was - ?

Chremes:

You ask this of me?

Old age itself, sir, is a malady.

Their captain tells me, nonetheless, that they

Alighted safely.

Demipho:

While I was away 700

How did my son get on?

Chremes:

There is the danger –

If I would wed my daughter to a stranger,

I must disclose her family history.

Now I’ve been certain that your loyalty

To me is like mine to myself; if some

Stranger, though, calls me Dad, he will be mum

As long as we are friends; if he should go

Against me, he’ll know more than he should know;

I fear my wife will learn this, in which case

I’ll have to leave my home, for in that place 710

It’s me alone on whom I can rely.

Demipho:

I know – it worries me a lot, and I

Shall never cease to try to bring about

My promises to you.

[Enter Geta]

Geta:

Without a doubt

I’ve never ever seen a slyer man

Than Phormio – I asked him how we can

Acquire the cash we need. I barely could

Speak half my words before he understood.

He laughed out loud and complimented me,

Asked of the fellow’s whereabouts, then he 720

Thanked all the gods he was allowed to show

That, having given aid to Antipho,

He’d give no less to Phaedria. “Away,”

I said, “Wait at the forum – I’ll convey

The old man thither.” There he is, though, see!

But who’s the one behind him? It must be

Phaedria’s father. Great! What did I fear?

Oh, what an idiot! Now two are here –

Not one – for me to dupe. It’s preferable

To have two hopes, I think. I’ll try to gull 730

My first mark. If he bites, that’s fine; if not,

I’ll see what from this other can be got.

IV.iii

[Enter Antipho, Demipho and Chremes]

Antipho:

At any time now Geta should be here.

There’s Chremes standing by my dad. I fear

His influence upon him.

Geta:

I’ll waylay

Both of them. Chremes, I bid you good-day.

Chremes:

And I you, Geta.

Geta:

I am glad that you

Are safely back.

Chremes:

I’m sure you are.

Geta:

How do

Things stand?

Chremes:

Since I arrived, there have occurred

Great changes, as is common.

Geta:

Have you heard 740

About our Antipho?

Chremes:

Yes, everything.

Geta: [to Antipho]

You told him? Oh, a most disgraceful thing,

Chremes!

Antipho:

I was discussing that just now

With him.

Geta:

Well, I believe that I somehow

Have racked my brains and found a remedy.

Chremes:

What is it?

Demipho:

Yes, what?

Geta:

Accidentally,

After I left you, I met Phormio.

Chremes:

Who’s he?

Demipho:

Her patron.

Chremes:

Ah yes, now I know.

Geta:

I thought I’d sound him out. I took the man

Aside and said, ”Why don’t we, if we can, 750

Settle the matter graciously and not

Resort to devilry? My master’s got

A liberal nature; he hates litigation,

Yet all his friends give one recommendation –

To turn her out.”

Antipho:

What is he trying to say

And how will everything turn out today?

Geta:

“Will you say he’ll incur a penalty

If he ejects her? That’s been scanned. You’ll be

In quite a sweat if you should undertake

To take him on because - make no mistake – 760

He’s fluent. Say he’s beaten – even yet

His money, not his life, is under threat.”

I sense I’ve softened him. It’s just we two,

So I ask, “How much money, then, do you

Require to drop this suit?”

Antipho: [aside]

He’s wrong in the head!

Geta:

“If you should ask a moderate price,” I said,

“I’m sure, since he’s a reasonable fellow, you

Won’t need to bandy three words with him.”

Demipho:

Who

Told you to say that?

Chremes:

Well, this is a plan

That could not have been better thought up, man. 770

Antipho:

I’m done for.

Chremes:

Well, go on.

Geta:

Initially

He raved.

Demipho:

What did he ask for?

Geta:

Totally

Too much.

Chremes:

How much?

Geta:

Well, let’s say he’s to pay

One whole talent…

Demipho:

To hell with him, I say.

Has he no shame?

Geta:

I asked him the same thing.

I said, “Suppose that he were marrying

His only daughter off. That he has none

Has been no use to him when there is one

Demanding quite a sum.” In brief, to skip

His nonsense, these last words fell from his lip: 780

“I from the first desired to have a wife,

The daughter of a friend, to share my life,

As is but right – I saw how burdensome

Her life would be for a poor girl to come

As slave into a rich man’s family.

But now I’m speaking with you openly,

So – I desired a wife who’d bring some dough

To pay off all my debts. If Demipho

Pays what for my fiancée I’d be paid,

There’s none I’d rather marry than this maid.” 790

Antipho:

Is this transgression or foolhardiness,

Sense or stupidity? It’s hard to guess.

Demipho:

What if his debt should put him in harm’s way?

Geta:

For ten minae his land, I heard him say,

Is mortgaged.

Demipho:

I’ll provide the cash, then. Let

Him wed her.

Geta:

There’s another mortgage yet –

His house for ten more.

Demipho:

Ah, too much! Hellfire!

Chremes:

Hush. He’ll get them from me.

Geta:

He must acquire

A maid to serve his wife, and furniture,

And pay the wedding costs. He can procure 800

All this for ten more.

Demipho:

That’s it!! Let him bring

Six hundred suits against me – he’ll not wring

A thing from me. The swine is mocking me!

Chremes:

Be still. I’ll pay this, too, as long as he

Weds her we want for him.

Antipho:

Geta, I’m dead!

Your treachery has killed me.

Chremes:

On my head

Must be this loss and it is only just

I bear the cost.

Geta:

He told me that I must

Inform him straightaway that he might know

That he can wed the lady and let go 810

The other, since those other men agreed

To pay directly.

Chremes:

He’ll have her indeed!

Let him announce that he breaks off the pact

To wed the other.

Antipho:

May his life be racked

With woe for it!

Chremes:

Well, incidentally

I’ve brought some cash, which my wife’s property

Brings in as rent. I’ll tell her you have got

To have it.

IV.iv

Antipho:

Geta.

Geta:

Yes, what is it?

Antipho:

What

Have you been up to?

Geta:

I’ve been diddling

Those two old men.

Antipho:

Well, is that quite the thing? 820

Geta:

I don’t know; that’s what I was told to do.

Antipho:

You rogue, I ask of you one thing and you

Answer me something else.

Geta:

What did you need

To know?

Antipho:

This is a pretty pass indeed –

Your fault! To the divinities I pray –

Above us and below the earth – that they

Confound you. Lord, if you want something done,

Ask him – from tranquil seas you’ll find you’ll run

Onto the rocks. There’s no less useful thing

Than touching on this sore or mentioning 830

My wife. My father hoped that he’d expel

The maid. If Phormio takes the cash, then – hell,

He’ll marry her. What then?

Geta:

He won’t.

Antipho:

I know,

But for our sake he will prefer to go

To jail.

Geta:

But things will get worse, there’s no doubt,

If you recount the bad side. You leave out

The good, which is: although, if they should pay

The man, he’ll marry her, just as you say,

Allow some time for wedding preparations,

For sacrifices and for invitations. 840

Meanwhile will Phaedria’s friends give what they swore

They’d give – thus he’ll repay it.

Antipho:

But wherefore?

What grounds will he present?

Antipho:

You ask that, when

I’ve seen so many prodigies since then?

A strange black dog entered the house, then through

The skylight came a snake, then a hen crew.

The seer forbade it and the priest said no.

Besides I cannot justly undergo

New work before the winter. No, the action

Is this one.

Antipho:

Would it were!

Geta:

Take satisfaction – 850

It is. Here comes your father. Off, away,

Tell Phaedria the money’s on its way.

IV.v

[Enter Demipho and Chremes]

Demipho:

Be quiet. I’ll watch out for any hoax.

I’ll not just part with this without some folks

Are found as witnesses. To whom and why

I give it I’ll have stated.

Geta: [aside]

My oh my,

There’s no need for such caution.

Chremes:

Yes, you need

To do precisely that and with all speed

While he’s still in the mood, for, should he see

The other is more pressing, then maybe 860

He’ll throw us over.

Demipho:

That’s the very thing!

So take me to him.

Geta:

I’m not dawdling.

Chremes: [to Demipho]

And then go to my wife so that she may

Call on the maid before she goes away.

Tell her we’re giving her to Phormio

That we won’t rouse her wrath, and that he’s so

Much better for her since he knows her well

And that we did not shirk our duty. Tell

Her we give him the sum he asked for.

Demipho:

What

The devil do you care?

Chremes:

I care a lot. 870

That you have done your duty will not do

Unless common report approves it too.

You see, I must get her acknowledgement

As well as his lest she say she was sent

Away.

Demipho:

Well, surely I can do that.

Chremes:

No,

Another woman’s better.

Demipho:

Then I’ll go

And ask her.

Chremes:

Let me think where I can find

Them both.

V.i

[Enter Sophrona]

Sophrona:

What can I do? I’m in a bind.

What friend is there to whom I can express

My plans? Where is there help in my distress? 880

My mistress through my counselling, I fear,

May suffer undeservedly. I hear

The father of the youth took most amiss

What has occurred.

Chremes:

But look here – who is this?

A crone half-dead with fright has just appeared

From Demipho’s house.

Sophrona:

The poverty I feared,

Although I thought the marriage was unsound,

Forced me to see her safe.

Chremes:
Well, I’ll be bound,

Unless I’m tricked by sight or memory

I see my daughter’s nurse.

Sophrona:

Nor can we see – 890

Chremes:

What should I do?

Sophrona:

Her father.

Chremes:

Shall I go

To her or wait till I more surely know

What she is saying?

Sophrona:

If he’s brought to light,

I’ll have no justification then for fright.

Chremes:

It’s she! I’ll speak to her.

Sophrona:

Who’s speaking? Who?

Chremes:

Sophrona!

Sophrona:

That’s my name!

Chremes:

Just turn round, do!

It’s I!

Sophrona:

Oh heavens! Stilpho?

Chremes:

No.

Sophrona:

You say

You’re not him?

Chremes: [sotto voce]

Step a little bit this way,

Sophrona, please, and do not use that name

With me.

Sophrona:

You say that you are not the same 900

As you said that you were?

Chremes:

Shush!

Sophrona:

What do you fear

About this door?

Chremes:

My shrewish wife is here

Behind it. For that name deceptively

I once used, hoping it imprudently

Would not be blabbed abroad or that my wife

Might not learn of it somehow.

Sophrona:

On my life,

That’s why we fools could not discover you

Around here.

Chremes:

Tell me, what have you to do

With that household? Where are the ladies?

Sophrona:

Oh!

Chremes:

What’s wrong? Are they still living?

Sophrona:

Well, although 910

The daughter’s still alive, the mother died

Of grief.

Chremes:

How sad!

Sophrona:

And as for me, I tried

As best I might – although I am alone,

An aged woman, indigent, unknown –

To wed the maid to the young man who lives there.

Chremes:

You mean to Antipho?

Sophrona:

Yes, yes, I swear!

Chrems:

Has he two wives, then?

Sophrona:

No, just one.

Chremes:

But, hey,

What about the other, who’s his kin, they say?

Sophrona:

That’s her!

Chremes:

What?

Sophrona:

It was done intentionally

That they might wed without a marriage-fee. 920

Chremes:

Our trust in you’s fulfilled, I have to say!

How often do things turn out in a way

You never dared to hope – by accident!

On my return I found the very gent

I wanted for my daughter. Demipho

And I tried hard to make it happen so.

Alone, with little help from us, has he

Brought it about.

Sophrona:

What’s to be done now? See –

His father’s back. He takes the news, they say,

Extremely badly.

Chremes:

Never fear, but, pray, 930

Let no-one know she’s mine.

Sophrona:

I won’t.

Chremes:

Now come

Inside and you’ll learn the residuum.

V.ii

[Enter Demipho and Geta]

Demipho:

It’s our fault that we gain by falsity,

Though we in others’ eyes prefer to be

Upright and generous. So, “Do not roam,”

So goes the saying, “far beyond your home”.

It’s not enough to bear an injury

But money must be given, too, so he

May live while thinking up some new offence?

It’s clear as crystal that, at our expense, 940

Those who take right and make it wrong derive

Some benefit from it.

Demipho:

Geta, you and I’ve

Been very foolish. Would we had an out

By marrying her off.

Demipho:

Is there some doubt

Of that?

Geta:

Well, as I know the man, he may

Just change his mind.

Demipho:

What? Change it?

Geta:

“May,” I say.

Demipho:

I’ll take Chremes’ advice and bring her hither

And talk to her. Now, Geta, hurry thither.

Tell her Nausistrata’s about to call

On her. [exit into house]

Geta:

Well, Phaedria’s cash – We’ve got it all. 950

The lawsuit’s hushed up. We have taken care

That she stay here for now. However, where

Do we go now from here? The same old clay

Still bogs you down. You borrow – then you pay.

Just one day has been bought to stem the woe

That looms on us. The snares much greater grow,

So watch out. I’ll go in now to persuade

Young Phanium she should not be afraid

Of Phormio or what he says.

V.iii

[Enter Demipho and Nausistrata]

Demipho:

Come now,

Nausistrata! As is your wont, somehow 960

Keep her content with us, and willingly

Let her do what she must.

Nausistrata:

I will.

Demipho:

Help me

As you did with the money.

Nausistrata:

Would I could

But I can be less helpful than I should –

It’s Chremes’ fault.

Demipho:

How so?

Nausistrata:

He’s not maintained

So well the farms my father had attained

Industriously – two talents he’d accrue

For them. Those men were poles apart.

Demipho:

What? Two?

Nausistrata:

Yes, even in hard times.

Demipho:

Phew!

Nausistrata:

Staggered?

Demipho:

Oh,

Indeed!

Nausistrata:

I wish I’d been a man; I’d show – 970

Demipho:

I’m sure you would –

Nausistrata:

How –

Demipho:

Save it, lady, do,

For her – she’s young and may be a match for you.

[Enter Chremes]

Nausistrata:

I’ll do your bidding. Chremes now I see

Emerging from your house.

Chremes:

The currency –

Has it been settled, Demipho?

Demipho:

I’ve seen

To that in haste.

Chremes:

I wish it hadn’t been.

Whoops, here’s my wife – I’ve said too much, I fear.

Demipho:

Why, Chremes?

Chremes:

Everything’s alright.

Demipho:

Look here,

Did you say why we’re bringing her?

Chremes:

Well, I

Arranged the matter.

Demipho:

What was her reply? 980

Chremes:

She’ll not be brought.

Demipho:

Why?

Chremes:

They’re so amorous,

Each of the other.

Demipho:

So, what’s that to us?

Chremes:

It means a lot. Moreover I have found

She’s kin to us.

Demipho:

What? Are you of sound mind?

Chremes:

It’s true. I’m not being rash. My memory

Is back.

Demipho:

You’re raving!

Nausistrata:

Don’t cause injury,

Please, to a kinswoman.

Demipho:

But she is none.

Chremes:

Do not deny it; her father took on

A different name – that’s how you made a blunder.

Demipho:

Did she not know her father?

Chremes:

Oh, by thunder, 980

She knew him.

Demipho: [aside]

Why, then, use another name?

Chremes:

Why will you never listen? What’s your game?

You just won’t understand.

Demipho:

If you won’t tell

Me anything-

Chremes:

I’m on the road to Hell!

Nausustrata:

I wonder what this means.

Demipho:

Well, I don’t know.

Chremes:

You’d like to? Well, by God, there’s no-one so

Kin to us both than her.

Demipho: God! In that case

I’ll trust you. Let us go now to her place

To satisfy me one way or the other.

Chremes:

Ah!

Demipho:

What is it?

Chremes:

I’m shocked that you – my brother – 990

Should put so little trust in me.

Demipho:

Would you

Have me believe you, take it all as true?

Alright, that’s fair enough. What should we do

With our friend’s daughter?

Chremes:

She’ll do fine.

Demipho:

Do you

Mean we should drop her, then?

Chremes:

Why not?

Demipho:

And she –

The other one – should stay?

Chremes:

Obviously.

Demipho:

Nausistrata, then, you may go.

Nausistrata:

I’d say

It’s better for us all that she should stay

Than what you first proposed, for in my eyes

She was genteel.

Demipho:

But what can we surmise 1000

From all this?

Chremes:

Did she close the door?

Demipho:

Just now.

Chremes:

The gods are kind. My daughter’s made her vow

In marriage to your son.

Demipho:

How can that be?

Chremes:

It’s not too safe in this locality

To tell.

Demipho:

Well, go in.

Chremes:

It would be amiss

If either of our sons should learn of this.

V.iv

[Enter Antipho]

Antipho:

My brother’s plans have turned out well – I’m glad,

Even if my own affairs should turn out bad.

How wise to think as he does, so that when

Things go awry, to make them straight again 1010

Is easy. He has got the money, he

Is carefree. For myself, no remedy

From this predicament can I procure.

I’m fearful if it stays concealed, for sure,

And shamed if it’s revealed. Nor should I go

Back home but for the chance that hope may show

Me how to gain her. Now I wonder where

I can find Geta so that he might share

Advice upon the opportunity

Of meeting with my father peril-free. 1020

V.v

[Enter Phormio]

Phormio:

The cash I got I gave the pimp. I brought

The woman so that Phaedria, as he ought,

Might keep her now she’s free. There’s yet one thing

To do – to win some time for partying

From those old men. The next few days I’ll go

Out on a bender.

Antipho:

But here’s Phormio.

What can you tell me?

Phormio:

What?

Antipho:

What Phaedria now

Will do, I mean. Did he inform you how

He means to spend his honeymoon?

Phormio:

He’ll play

Your part.

Antipho:

What part?

Phormio:

He plans to run away 1030

From his father and begs that you’ll plead his case

In due return – he’s going to my place

To have some drinks. “I’m going to the fair

At Sunium,” I’ll tell the old men, “where

I plan to buy the maid whom recently

Our Geta mentioned”: thus, when they don’t see

Me here, they won’t believe I’m squandering

Their money. Hey, what is that clamouring

There at your door?

Antipho:

Well, see who’s coming out.

Phormio:

It’s Geta.

V.vi

[Enter Geta]

Geta:

Oh, what fortune’s come about 1040

To bless my boss today.

Antipho:

What does he mean

By that, I wonder.

Geta:

We, his friends, have been

Relieved of fear. But why do I delay

In girding up my loins when on my way

To tell him what has happened?

Antipho:

Do you know

What he is on about?

Phormio:

Don’t you?

Antipho:

Not so.

Phormio:

Nor I.

Geta:

I’m off to see the pimp ‘cos they

Are there.

Antipho:

Hey, Geta!

Geta:

Charming! Bid me stay

When I’ve just set off!

Antipho:

Geta!

Geta:

At it still?

You’ll never vanquish me with your ill-will. 1050

Antipho:

Stop!

Geta:

Sod you!

Antipho:

No, sod you, you so-and-so,

If you don’t stop.

Geta:

This is someone I know

Quite well if he addresses me that way.

Is this the man I seek or not? Hey, hey,

That is the man. Speak to him!

Antipho:

What’s the matter?

Geta:

Oh,

Most blessed of all mortals, Antipho!

The gods love you alone, that’s plain as day.

Antipho:

I wish! But why should I trust what you say?

Geta:

It’s not enough I plunge you in a sea

Of pure delirium?

Antipho:

You’re killing me. 1060

Look, you can shove your promises! Just tell

Me what you’ve brought.

Geta:

Ah, Phormio’s here as well?

Phormio:

I’m here. Go on!

Geta:

O.K., then. When we paid

You at the forum recently, we made

Our way at once to Chremes, and meanwhile

My boss sent me off to your wife.

Antipho:

Why?

Geta:

I’ll

Not tell you that – it doesn’t fit the case

At hand. When I was headed for the place

Where the women live, there ran to me that lad,

Young Mida. He pulled on my cloak and bade 1070

Me turn around. “Why hold me back?” I said.

“To see my mistress is prohibited,”

He said. “Sophronia, just two ticks ago,

Announced Chremes, the brother of Antipho.

I, too, was there” On hearing this, I stole

On tiptoe to the door, placed my ear-hole

Against it as I held my breath and stood

Right there and listened to them; and I could

Hear every word this way.

Phormio:

Well done, my boy.

Geta:

While there, I almost shouted out with joy 1080

On hearing splendid news.

Antipho:

Which was - ?

Geta:

Well, guess.

Antipho:

I can’t.

Geta:

A marvellous prodigiousness!

That Phanium your wife’s the progeny

Of Uncle Chremes.

Antipho:

What?

Geta:

In secrecy

He lived on Lemnos with her mother.

Phormio:

Oh,

Come on! As if the woman couldn’t know

Her father!

Geta:

No, there’s cause. Can’t you assume

I heard all that they said inside that room

From outside?

Antipho:

I have heard that tale before.

Geta:

And that you may believe it all the more – 1090

Chremes, when he came back, soon exited

The house with Demipho and both men said

That you may have her.

Antipho:

Chop, chop, then.

Geta:

Alright.

[Exeunt Antipho and Geta]

Phormio:

What unexpected luck! A true delight

To have a splendid opportunity

To diddle those old codgers and to see

Young Phaedria’s money problems go away –

He need not ask his confidants to pay.

The cash he has will yet be paid outright

Regardless of their wants. I’ve brought to light 1100

A way to force it from them. I must take

Upon me a new air. But now I’ll make

My way along this alley here and show

Myself to them when they come out. Although

I told them I was going to the fair,

I was pretending – I’m not going there. [Exit]

V.vii

[Enter Demipho and Chremes]

Demipho:

I thank the gods – with reason – heartily,

Chremes, since things turned out successfully.

We must meet Phormio soon lest he should blow

The cash we need.

Phormio:

I’ll see if Demipho 1110

Is home so –

Demipho:

Phormio, we’ve come to you.

Phormio:

Perhaps for the same reason.

Demipho:

Yes, too true.

Phormio:

That’s what I figured. Why, though, are you here?

Demipho:

Oh, don’t be silly!

Phormio:

Did you maybe fear

I’d break my vow. I may be indigent

But in one thing I’ve kept my true intent –

To keep my word.

Chremes:

Is she not, Demipho,

Genteel, as I have said?

Demipho:

Extremely so.

Phormio:

I’m here to tell you that I’m standing by.

Give me my wife, whenever you please, for I 1120

Postponed all of my business, as is fit,

On finding out how much you wanted it.

Demipho:

He urged, though, that she not be given me.

“What would folk say if you did that?” said he.

When the time was right, you didn’t give her; now

To turn her out is shameful. Anyhow,

Almost all his advice was literally

What you yourself said face-to-face to me.

Phormio:

What arrogant insults!

Demipho:

How so?

Phormio:

Oh, you know!

I can’t now wed the other. How’ll I go 1130

And face her slighted self?

Chremes:

And then, I see

That Antipho will not part company

With her. [aside to Demipho] Say so.

Demipho:

And then, I see that he –

My son – won’t part with her. However, go

Off to the Forum. Tell them, Phormio,

That they’re to put the cash in my account.

Phormio:

What, after I transferred the whole amount

To those I owed it to?

Demipho:

Alright, what now?

Phormio:

If you will give me her and keep your vow,

I’ll marry her. But if you wish that she

Should stay with you, the cash remains with me.

This craftiness I bear is a disgrace –

I left the other girl to save your face, 1140

And she gave just as much.

Demipho:

Such swaggering!

Get lost, you bum! We both know everything –

You think we don’t?

Phormio:

You’re galling me.

Demipho:

If she

Were given, would you wed her?

Phormio:

Why not see

That for yourself?

Demipho:

Your plan was that she might

Live with my son chez vous, is that not right?

Phormio:

What?

Demipho:

Will you give the cash?

Phormio:

Well, tell me straight,

Will you give me my wife?

Demipho:

The magistrate

Will sort you out!

Phormio:

If that’s your attitude,

Let’s go.

Demipho:

What will you do?

Phormio:

You think my mood 1150

Is to protect the dowerless, you pair?

I serve the dowried, too.

Chremes:

What do we care?

Phormio:

You don’t. There is a lady whom I know –

She lives just over there – whose husband –

Chremes:

Oh!

Demipho:

What’s up?

Phormio:

- was married to another wife

On Lemnos.

Chremes:

Now I’ve had it!

Phormio:

They gave life

To a girl whom he is raising secretly.

Chremes:

I’m dead!

Phormio:

I’m off to tell their history.

Chremes:

Please don’t.

Phormio:

Oh, is it you?

Demipho:

He’s joking!

Chremes:

Look,

We’ll spare you –

Phormio:

Bull!

Chremes:

Yes, let you off the hook 1160

For all the cash you have. Is that OK?

Phormio:

I hear you. Why d’you mess with me this way,

You idiots, with your stupid talk? “I’ll not,

I will, I’ll not, I will. Take what I’ve got;

No, give it back.” What’s said becomes unsaid,

A bargain’s now no bargain.

Chremes:

[aside] Who has fed

Him all this information?

Demipho:

I don’t know.

I know for sure I’ve told nobody, though.

Chremes:

A miracle!

Phormio:

That’s stumped them!

Demipho:

For God’s sake,

Is he to bilk us of all that and make 1170

Us laughingstocks? I’d rather snuff it. Be

Steadfast with ready wit, for you can see

News of your slip’s got out; you can’t conceal

It from your wife. Better that we reveal

What she will hear from others. Then we can

Take our revenge upon this seedy man

In our own way, Chremes.

Phormio:

I’d best take care

Or I am stuck. A gladiatorial air

Is what these fellows have – they’re setting out

To challenge me.

Chremes:

[to Demipho] And yet I feel some doubt 1180

That she can be appeased.

Demipho:

Cheer up! I’ll see

You’re back in her good books. Remember – she

Who bore the child is dead.

Phormio:

Is thus your way

Of dealing with me? Oh, well done, I say!

Come on. Have you not galled me, Demipho,

While hardly helping him? [pointing to and now addressing Chremes]. Is it not so?

You did just what you felt like over there

In Lemnos and you do not seem to care

One bit for this fine lass – outrageously,

In fact, you hurt her. Now you come to me 1190

And beg forgiveness. I will make her so

Incensed with you that you shan’t quench her, though

You shed huge tears.

Demipho:

May each divinity

Cast plague on you! That such effrontery

Exists in any man! It’s a disgrace!

He should be exiled to some desert place

At public charge.

Chremes:

I’m at such an impasse

I don’t know how to handle it, alas!

Demipho:

I do – let’s go to court.

Phormio:

No, here will do [pointing to the house].

That is, if it is all the same to you. 1200

Chremes:

Go follow after him and hold him back

While I call out the slaves.

Demipho:

Brother, I lack

The strength to do it on my own. Help me

And quickly.

Phormio:

[to Demipho, who seizes him] There’s one charge of battery

Against you.

Demipho:

Sue me, then!

Phormio:

And one for you,

Chremes.

Chremes:

Grab him.

Phormio:

So this is what you’d do?

Then I must speak. Nausistrata’s come out.

Chremes:

Just stop his filthy mouth. See there! – the lout

Is strong.

Phormio:

Nausistrata!

Demipho:

Shut up!

Phormio:

What, me? 1210

Demipho:

Look, plant your fists into his gut if he

Won’t follow.

Phormio:

Or gouge out an eye. Nothing

Will stop me from a total reckoning.

V.viii

[Enter Nausistrata]

Nausistrata:

Who’s calling me? I ask you, Chremes, what

Is this uproar?

Phormio:

Aha! The cat has got

His tongue!

Nausistrata:

Who is this man? Now why don’t you

Reply?

Phormio:

Reply? He hasn’t got a clue

Of where he is.

Chremes:

Don’t credit anything

He says.

Phormio:

Touch him – if he’s not shivering

In a cold sweat, kill me.

Chremes:

It’s nothing.

Nausistrata:

What is he on about?

Phormio:

You soon will know. 1220

Listen.

Chremes:

Will you believe him?

Nausistrata:
How can I

Believe him since he hasn’t spoken?

Phormio:

Why,

The swine is mad with fright.

Nausistrata:

That cannot be

Without some cause.

Chremes:

You think he frightens me?

Phormio:

Alright, since you’re not frightened and what I’m

About to say is nothing, p’raps it’s time

For you to say it.

Demipho:

Villain, shall he tell

It at your say-so?

Phormio:

You’ve done very well

For Chremes.

Nausistrata:

Husband, won’t you speak?

Chremes:

But –

Nausistrata:

Yes?

But what?

Chremes:

There is no need.

Phormio:

For you, I guess, 1230

But here in Lemnos –

Demipho:

What is that you said?

Chremes:

Shush!

Phormio:

Unbeknownst to you –

Chremes:

Ahh!

Phormio:

Chremes wed

Another.

Nausistrata:

God forbid, sir!

Phormio:

No, it’s true.

Nausistrata:

I’m done for!

Phormio:

And he had a daughter, too –

You never dreamed of such a thing.

Chremes:

What can

We do?

Nausistrata:

By God, a wicked, evil man!

Phormio: [aside to Chremes]

You’ve had it.

Nausistrata:

Has there been a shabbier deed?

Men grow too old for their own wives. I need

To ask you, Demipho – it sickens me

To talk to him - : are these the trips that he 1240

So often took? And is that why he stayed

So long there and why those low prices made

Our rents decline?

Demipho:

I don’t deny that he

Is culpable; however, he may be

Pardoned.

Phormio:

He’s speaking to the dead.

Demipho:

Not through

Neglect or hatred of you did he do

These things. When drunk, some fifteen years ago,

He wooed that poor young woman and then – lo!

The girl was born, and from that moment on

He never touched her. Now she’s dead and gone - 1250

The only problem left. Accordingly,

I beg, bear this with equanimity

As in all other things.

Nausistrata:

Why should I bear

This stoically? I want the whole affair

To end. I’ve had it. What’s to hope for? Can

I think that he will be a better man

Now that he’s old? Was he not old then, too,

If old age makes men virtuous? And do

I look more comely at my age? And so,

What can you offer to me, Demipho, 1260

To make me hope that he’ll not go astray

Again?

Phormio:

It’s time for those who wish to stay

For Chremes’ funeral. I’ll provide it. He

Who wants to challenge Phormio will be

A readied victim just like him. Alright,

Let her forgive him. My revenge is quite

Sufficient now, and she’ll have every day

Something to din into his ears.

Nausistrata:

So say –

Was it my fault? Should I now, Demipho,

Tell all I did in wedlock?

Demipho:

This I know 1270

As well as you.

Nausistrata:

The blame, then, falls on me?

Demipho:

Of course not. But what has been done can’t be

Undone by harsh words. Pardon him. Regret,

Beseeching, owning up have all been met.

What more d’you want?

Phormio: [aside]

But first I must attend

To Phaedria and myself. [to Nausistrata] I urge you – lend

Your ears to me before you recklessly

Reply.

Nausistrata:

What is it?

Phormio:

By my strategy

I wrested thirty minae from this man.

I gave them to your son – that way he can 1280

Possess his girl; the pimp received the dough.

Chremes:
What’s that you say?

Nausistrata:

Well, doesn’t it seem so

Improper that your son, while young, should not

Enjoy one mistress? You yourself had got

Two wives! Have you no shame? How can you scold

Your son? Well?

Demipho:

He’ll do as you wish.

Nausistrata:

Now hold –

I don’t forgive nor will I guarantee

A thing until I see my son: what he

Decides I will abide by. I will do

All he commands me.

Phormio:

Nausistrata, you 1290

Are a wise woman.

Nausistrata:

Satisfied?

Demipho:

Oh yes.

Chremes:

I’ve got off pretty well, I must confess,

Beyond my expectations.

Nausistrata: [to Phormio]

Please tell me

Your name.

Phormio:

It’s Phormio. Your family

All know me well, and I’m a special pal

To Phaedria.

Nausistrata:

Then, Phormio, I shall

Both say and do your bidding ever after.

Phormio:

You’re kind.

Nausistrata:

You’ve earned it.

Phormio:

Well, to cause my laughter

And Chremes’ tears, will you do this for me?

Nausistrata:

Yes, what?

Phormio:

Let me dine with you.

Nausistrata:

Certainly. 1330

Phormio:

Let’s in.

Nausistrata:

Where’s Phaedria, our judge?

Phormio:

I’ll bring

Him here.[to the audience] Farewell and let your plaudits ring.