EUNUCHUS
Terence
Translated by Christopher Kelk
© Copyright 2023 Christopher Kelk, All Rights Reserved.
Please direct enquiries for commercial re-use to chriskelk@sympatico.ca.
CONTENTS
If there are people eager to delight
As many good men as they can and slight
But few, our poet now enrols his name
Among them, and if there’s someone who’ll blame
Him for harsh words, let that man bear in mind
That these are words of a responsive kind,
Not an attack; for he was first to be
The instigator as he literally
Translated plays, creating Latin verse
For good Greek plays, the idiom being worse. 10
Menander’s Apparition recently
He published and the same man’s comedy
Treasure in which someone is asked for gold –
Before the asker says it’s his we’re told
The reason why the former thinks it ought
To be his own and how the gold was brought
Into his father’s tomb. From now on, though,
Let him not fool himself or ponder so:
“I’m done; there’s nothing he can say to me.”
I warn him to avoid inaccuracy 20
And quit provoking me. I’ve many more
Points, which for now I will forgive him for
But take up later should he continue
Offending me as he’s begun to do.
After the aediles bought the play that we
Will now perform – Menander’s comedy
Eunuchus – that man got a studied look
At it, and when the magistrates all took
Their seats, “A thief wrote this,” he shouted out,
“No poet, but he won’t cause me to doubt
His theft. It’s Colax, penned by Naevius
And Plautus, an old play that gave to us
The parts of the soldier and the parasite.”
Is this a fault? No, it’s an oversight
The poet was no thief, but you may see
Our play and be the judge, The comedy
Colax presents Menander’s parasite
And braggart soldier, which are lifted right
Out of the Greek, which he does not gainsay,
Although he does indeed gainsay that they 40
Were known by him to have been turned into
The Latin tongue. If it had been taboo
For others to transcribe those parts, why then
Could they display scurrying serving-men,
Fine matrons, nasty whores, a parasite,
A changeling child? Would it indeed be right
To show a slave who’s always keen to flout
An old man over love or hate or doubt?
Nothing is said that’s not been said before
In fact. It’s only fair that you therefore 50
Should know and pardon what our poets pen
That our ancestors wrote. Attend me, then,
And hold your peace so that you might find out
What this Eunuchus play is all about.
Phaedria:
What should I do, therefore? Should I not go
When she has sent for me? Or should I so
Behave myself as not to tolerate
A whore’s affronts? She shut me out, of late
She called me back. No, should she beg and plead,
I will not go.
Parmeno:
If you don’t go indeed, 60
You’ll show great fearlessness; but once you start
And cannot hold out boldly, then lose heart,
While no-one asks you, and no harmony
Exists between you, you’ll go willingly
To her, showing your love for her, and vow
That you can’t bear her absence, that is how
Your goose is cooked. She’d jilt you should she see
You’re done for. Therefore ponder carefully
While there’s still time. Master, you cannot find
Prudence or tact in matters of this kind. 70
In love you’ll always see harm, hesitation,
Antagonism, reconciliation,
War, and then peace at last. Should you endeavour
To make sense of such senseless things, you’d never
Succeed, no more than if you tried to be
Insane with reason. Now you’re angrily
Thinking, “What? Should I go to her? She who
Received him, spurning me? Ah, why don’t you
Leave me alone? I’d rather die; so she
Shall know the sort of man that I can be.” 80
The tiny tears she squeezed out were untrue;
Her cheeks now dry, she’ll start accusing you,
And you’ll give in.
Phaedria:
Disgraceful! Now I see
She’s villainous and I’m in misery.
She wearies me and yet I am aflame
For her; I’m still alive, yet all the same
I’m perishing. I don’t know what to do.
Parmeno:
Well, with the least expenditure that you
Can manage free yourself from slavery –
If you can’t manage it almost scot-free, 90
Escape as best you can and don’t distress
Yourself.
Phaedria:
Is that what you advise?
Parmeno:
Oh yes,
If you are wise. Be sure, additionally,
Not to exacerbate love’s misery
But handle well whatever it may bring.
But here’s the cause of all our suffering,
For she is interrupting the delight
That we should be enjoying as our right.
Thais [to herself]:
Ye gods, I fear that Phaedria won’t believe
Why yesterday I chose not to receive 100
Him at my house.
Phaedria [apart, to Parmeno]:
I’m trembling, Parmeno,
Just to cast eyes on her.
Parmeno [apart]:
Be cheerful, though.
Approach her fire: you’ll soon be more aflame
Than you would need.
Thais:
Who’s that? My love, you came
To me? Why linger? Why did you delay
To go in?
Parmeno [apart]:
Not one more word did she say
Of her rebuff.
Thais:
Such taciturnity!
Phaedria:
Of course, your doorway always welcomes me
And I’m your favourite beau!
Thais:
Forget all that.
Phaedria:
Forget it all? Thais, I tell you flat – 110
I would your love were equal to my own,
That this predicament would make you groan
As it does me or I’d not care a jot
About what you inflict on me.
Thais:
Do not
Torment yourself, my love. The reason why
I banned you from my house was not that I
Love someone more than you – oh no indeed.
It was because there was an urgent need
To do it.
Parmeno:
I believe you thoughtlessly
Banned him for love, as you do usually. 120
Thais:
Oh yes? [to Phaedria] But hear the reason why I call
You here.
Phaedria:
Go on.
Thais:
But tell me first of all
If he [pointing to Parmeno] can hold his tongue.
Parmeno:
You can be sure
I can. But on these terms I will secure
My pledge: although if what I hear that’s true
I will keep mum about, yet if from you
I hear is fiction, I will let it out;
I’m full of cracks, I leak things like a spout.
If you desire your secret to remain
Just that, a secret, therefore tell the plain 130
And honest truth.
Thais:
My mother, a Samian,
Was an inhabitant of Rhodes.
Parmeno:
I can
Keep that a secret.
Thais:
Well then anyway,
A little baby girl was snatched away
In Attica: a certain merchant then
Gave her to Mother.
Phaedria:
What – a citizen?
Thais:
I think so, but we cannot rightly tell.
The names of both my parents she knew well.
The land and other things she didn’t know,
And, with her tender years, she could not so. 140
The merchant said the thieves from whom he bought
The child told him that she’d been snatched and brought
From Sunium. Mother comprehensively
Instructed her and bred her as if she
Were her own daughter, and most people thought
That they were sisters. Then that merchant brought
Me here: he was the only friend I had.
He left me all that I possess.
Parmeno:
Too bad!
I spurn those statements – neither one is true.
Thais:
How so?
Parmeno:
One man was not enough for you - 150
He, too, [indicating Phaedria] gave you large gifts.
Thais:
He did indeed;
Allow me to continue, though, and heed
My words. The captain loved me now, but he
Took off for Caria, and subsequently
I met you. Since then you have been aware
Of how I cherish you and how we share
Much counsel.
Phaedria:
Parmeno won’t leak that out.
Parmeno:
Oh, is it then a matter of some doubt?
Thais:
Please listen. Mother died just recently.
Her brother hankered after property: 160
He saw this beauteous maiden who could play
The lyre and hoped that folk would wish to pay
A decent price for her. Now luckily
This friend of mine was there and bought for me
This girl, suspecting nothing. He returned,
But when of our affection he had learned,
He thought up explanations why he should
Not give me her. He said that if he could
Be sure that he would be preferred by me
Over yourself and feel a certainty 170
That I’d not leave him, he would acquiesce
And give her, though he felt some fearfulness.
But as I see it, he is hungering
For the young girl.
Phaedria:
No more, though?
Thais:
Not a thing –
I asked about him. I want him away
From her for many reasons: for they say
That she’s my sister and that, furthermore,
I should restore her to her comrades. For
I’m all alone - no friends, no family.
I wish to have some friends, so please help me 180
To make it easier. Give him a few
More days with me. What? No response from you?
Phaedria:
Vile woman! After what you’ve done, how can
I answer?
Parmeno:
Well done, master. You’re a man!
You’ve had enough.
Phaedria:
Your drift I didn’t know:
“A little girl was kidnapped; just as though
She were her own, my mother bred her; they
Say that we’re sisters; I wish that I may
Restore her to her friends.” All that you’ve said
Amounts to this: I’m out, and in my stead 190
He’s in. And why? You love him more than me
And furthermore you have a fear that she
Who was brought here will snatch that man away
From you.
Thais:
I do?
Phaedria:
Well, what else can you say
You care about? Am I the only one
Who gave you gifts? In your opinion
Were those gifts banned? Did I not, when you said
You wished to have a serving-maiden, bred
In Ethiopia, immediately
Go off in search of one? When you told me 200
You wished to have a eunuch, too, since they
Are only used by queens, I went away
And found one. Twenty minae for the two
Of them I paid. Although abhorred by you
I can recall these things. My doing so
Makes you despise me.
Thais:
Phaedria, although
I wish her gone and think that it can be
Effected thus, I’ll follow your decree
And save our friendship.
Phaedria:
How I wish that you
Meant those last four words! If I thought them true, 210
I’d suffer anything.
Parmeno [aside]:
How readily
One phrase defeats him!
Thais:
Do you think of me
As false? When you’d ask something in mere play
Of me, you finally would have your way,
Yet I’m unable to obtain from you
A mere two days.
Phaedria:
Well, if it’s only two;
Don’t let it stretch to twenty.
Thais:
No more, or –
Phaedria:
I don’t like “or”.
Thais:
No more, but I implore
This of you.
Phaedria:
What you wish for I must do.
Thais:
You’re good to me – that’s why I dote on you. 220
[to Parmeno] I’m going inland, where I’ll crucify
Myself for two days, as I must. But I
Must mollify Thais. Now, Parmeno,
Make sure you get them back.
Parmeno:
I shall do so.
Phaedria:
For two days farewell, Thais.
Thais:
And to you
The same, love. Is there something more that you
Desire?
Phaedria:
Just that to you the captain be
Absent though present, that you dote on me
And feel a longing for me day and night;
Dream of me, wait for me and take delight 230
In me, hope for me, unconditionally
Be with me and in all things, finally,
Be mine as I am yours. [exeunt Phaedria and Parmeno]
Thais:
I fear he sees
In me, as he compares the qualities
Of other women, little probity.
I know myself indeed and certainly
I’m not deceptive, and there is no-one
Dearer to me than Phaedria. What I’ve done
Was always for the maid; I’ve virtually
Tracked down her brother, whose nobility 240
Is clear. He’s coming to my house today:
I’ll go in and until he comes I’ll stay.
Phaedria:
Have them brought here, in line with my decree.
Parmeno:
I will.
Phaedria:
With care.
Parmeno:
Alright.
Phaedria:
And speedily.
Parmeno:
Alright.
Phaedria:
Clear?
Parmeno:
What? You’re asking that of me?
Would that you’d find something as easily
As this gift will be lost!
Phaedria:
Ah, I am lost
Myself – for I would fail at quite a cost.
Don’t take it badly.
Parmeno:
Not at all – I’ll do
Your bidding. Is there anything more that you
Would have me do?
Phaedria:
I’d have you prettify
The gift with words, as far as you may try
To do, and oust my rival.
Parmeno:
I could hold
That in my mind if you had never told
Me to remember.
Phaedria:
I intend to leave
And go inland and stay there.
Parmeno:
I conceive
That’s a good plan.
Phaedria:
But wait!
Parmeno:
Yes? What?
Phaedria:
Do you
Believe that I am able now to screw
My courage to the sticking-place and stay
For two whole days?
Parmeno:
Well, no, I have to say. 260
You’ll come back straight away or, as I’d guess,
You’ll do so when you’re plagued with sleeplessness.
Phaedria:
I’ll work so hard that I’ll be tired out
And sleep despite myself.
Parmeno:
I have no doubt
You’ll still stay wide-awake, and then you’ll be
More tired.
Phaedria:
No! You talk nonsensically.
I must discard this weakness from my mind –
I yield to it too much. Can I not find
The backbone, if I must, to stay away
Even for two whole days?
Parmeno:
What’s that you say? 270
For three entire days? Think carefully.
Phaedria:
I am resolved. [exit]
Parmeno [to himself]:
What is this malady?
That love so changes men that they can show
Themselves so different that we hardly know
Them anymore! None was less fatuous,
More even-tempered and more serious
Than him. But who comes here? Why, it’s Gnatho,
The captain’s parasite, who’s bringing – oh,
Such beauty! He has brought a gorgeous maid
To give Thais. Oh, how I’ll seem to fade! 280
With this decrepit eunuch I’ll seem crude.
She rivals Thais in her pulchritude. [stands aside]
Gnatho:
Immortal gods! How one man can surpass
Another! One is wise and one’s an ass.
For just today this came into my mind –
I bumped into a fellow of my kind,
A splendid chap: but he had run right through
His father’s property (I did that, too).
A filthy, worn man stood before my eyes,
Sick, old, in ragged clothes. “What means this guise?” 290
I asked. “I’ve lost my livelihood,” he said.
“How I’m reduced! I might as well be dead.
All of my friends have now deserted me.”
I’d been like him but felt contumely.
I said, “You sluggard, have you lost all hope
And, with your funds, all of your wits, you dope?
You see I’ve risen from that self-same place
And see now the complexion in my face,
My spruce appearance; see how I’m well-dressed.
I do not own a thing but I am blessed 300
With everything. Although I don’t possess
A thing, I’m lacking nothing.” “I profess
I cannot be a butt of jokes or be
Beaten,” he said. “You think that’s slavery?”
Said I. “How wrong you are! Some time ago
That class was called for, but today – oh no!
It’s like bird-liming these days. I indeed
Was first to tread this path. There is a breed
Of men who strive to be the first of all
In everything, but are not: these I call 310
Into my court. These men don’t laugh at me
But I laugh with them very willingly,
Admiring their wit: the things they say
I praise, but if they go the other way,
Denying what they’ve said, I praise that, too,
Denying what has been denied. Do you
Affirm a thing? Then I will. Finally,
I’ve trained myself in all things to agree –
A most productive calling.
Phaedria [apart, to audience]:
Ah, such skill!
He makes fools truly mad.
Gnatho:
While we were still 320
Talking, we reached the market. Promptly then
Fishmongers, sausage-makers, fishermen,
Sweet-makers, cooks and butchers happily
Ran to us. I had served them previously,
In good and bad times catering to them all –
And, often, now. They welcome me and call
Me to their house to dine. When this wretch sees
Me treated with such grand felicities
And that I gained my fare so easily,
The fellow begs that he might learn from me 330
This method, I say, “Be my follower then,
If you are able to.” As all those men
Who teach philosophy give it its name
From their own names, it will be just the same
With my own set – the parasites will be
Gnathonics.
Parmeno [apart, to audience]:
Do you see how easily
One lives off other folk?
Gnatho[to himself]:
Ach, why delay
To take this maiden to Thais and say
That she should come for dinner? Ah, I see
Our rival’s servant standing gloomily 340
Before Thais’s door. So everything
Is fine: they’ve got a chilly welcoming,
I think. I’ll rag the rogue.
Parmeno [to himself]:
Those men are sure
This gift will render Thais quite secure
For them.
Gnatho:
Sincerest greetings, Parmeno!
How are you doing?
Parmeno:
I am standing.
Gnatho:
So
I’ve noticed. Is there anything you see
That you aren’t fond of?
Parmeno:
Yes, you.
Gnatho:
Obviously.
But what else?
Parmeno:
Why d’you ask?
Gnatho:
You seem so sad.
Parmeno:
I’m not sad in the least.
Gnatho:
Well, don’t be, lad. 350
How do you like this slave?
Parmeno:
Not bad.
Gnatho [aside]:
I’ve got
The fellow.
Parmeno [aside, overhearing him]:
Oh, I know that you have not.
Gnatho:
How much will Thais like her?
Parmeno:
Thus you say
We’re toast. Well, troubles happen every day.
Gnatho:
The next six months I’ll give you, Parmeno,
Much comfort – no more running to and fro
Or watching till first light. That pleases you?
Parmeno:
What – me? It surely does.
Gnatho:
That’s what I do
For friends.
Parmeno:
That’s fine.
Gnatho:
Don’t you have plans to go
Somewhere? I must be keeping you.
Parmeno:
Oh no! 360
Gnatho:
Then let me meet her.
Parmeno:
Look, the doors are wide-
Open so you can take the girl inside.
Gnatho:
You’d not have someone called out? [enters house with the girl]
Parmeno:
Only let
Two days go by: you who can easily get
Inside with one small finger soon will see
You’ll kick and kick those doors, but fruitlessly.
Gnatho [coming from house]:
Are you yet standing here now, Parmeno?
Is there no sentinel that he might know
If any mediator might have sped
Between the captain and Thais?
Parmeno:
Well said: 370
There must be wondrous things that can delight
The captain. Someone, though, is in my sight –
My master’s youngest son! It puzzles me
That he comes hither from Piraeus – he
Is there on guard. It’s urgent, though, no doubt.
I wonder why he’s looking all about.
Chaerea [to himself]:
I’ve had it! I’ve lost her. I’m lost as well
For letting her run off. I am in Hell!
Where should I look Or ask? Which way to go?
Aha, there is one expectation, though - 380
She can’t be lost for long wherever she
May be. Oh, she has such resplendency!
I’ll now cast other women from my mind:
I hate those beauties of the common kind.
Parmeno [to himself]:
Well, here’s the other one. Now, there’s something
He’s on about: I think he’s rambling
About love. Poor old man! You’d think that one
Spoke lucidly once this one has begun
To utter folly.
Chaerea [to himself]:
Ah, may purgatory
Take that old man who has just hampered me; 390
To Hell with me as well in that I give
A damn for him. Here’s Parmeno, as I live.
Good-day.
Parmeno:
Why are you glum? Why in a hurry?
Where have you been?
Chaerea:
Oh, I’m in such a flurry
I’ve no idea whence I have come or on
What quest I am. I’m in oblivion.
Parmeno:
How?
Chaerea:
I’m in love.
Parmeno:
Ha!
Chaerea:
Now then, Parmeno,
Show me what sort of man you are. You know
You often promised me that, should I find
Someone to love, you’d show a willing mind. 400
For under cover in your cell I stored
My father’s victuals.
Parmeno:
Look, I’m getting bored.
Your point?
Chaerea:
Make good your vow. If this affair
Is worthy of the task, put all your care
Into it. For this girl’s not like those others
Who’ve been instructed by their anxious mothers
To keep their shoulders down, their bosoms bound,
To show their slenderness. If one is found
A tad too rounded, then they will declare
She’s like a boxer and reduce her fare. 410
Their treatment, although they are vigorous,
Makes them seem thin as bullrushes to us,
So they’re admired.
Parmeno:
And yours?
Chaerea:
A look that’s new.
Parmeno:
Indeed?
Chaerea:
A frame that’s firm, a genuine hue,
And full of juice.
Parmeno:
Her age?
Chaerea:
Sixteen.
Parmeno:
That’s fine –
A very flower of youth.
Chaerea:
Make sure she’s mine
By imprecation, force or secrecy,
For nothing else could matter much to me
So she is mine.
Parmeno:
Who owns her?
Chaerea:
I don’t know.
Parmeno:
Where is she from?
Chaerea:
My answer is – ditto.
Parmeno:
Where does she live?
Chaerea:
I still don’t know that now.
Parmeno:
Where did you see her?
Chaerea:
In the street.
Parmeno:
And how
Did you lose sight of her?
Chaerea:
That very thing
Gnawed at my mind as I was pondering
The problem as I walked. There is no-one
More cursed than me, I think. I’m quite undone.
Parmeno
What is the matter?
Chaerea:
You ask that of me?
Do you know of my dad’s contemporary
And kinsman Archimenides?
Parmeno:
I do.
Chaerea:
He met me as I followed her.
Parmeno:
That’s too 430
Untimely.
Chaerea:
Awful, rather. Parmeno,
Commonplace things in life are labelled so.
For six or seven months I’d safely swear
That I’d not seen the fellow anywhere
Till now, when I have very little need
Or urge to see him. Is that not indeed
A fatal blow?
Parmeno:
It surely is.
Chaerea:
He ran
Up to me from afar. Here was this man,
Bent, palsied, drooping-lipped, wheezing. “Hey! Hey!”
He said to me, “I’ve got something to say 440
To you.” I stopped. He said, “Now, do you know
What I would have you do?” “Tell me.” “I go
To court tomorrow.” “And…?” “Well, at daybreak
Your father promised me that he would take
The witness stand. Remind him of his vow.”
He went on, and an hour had passed by now.
And was there something else? I asked. “Oh no,”
He said, “that’s everything. I’ve got to go.”
I looked back for the girl, but meanwhile she
Had turned into this street here.
Parmeno [to himself]:
It would be 450
Astounding if by that he did not mean
The girl who’s now a gift.
Chaerea:
She could be seen
Nowhere when I got back.
Parmeno:
I guess she might
Have had some servants?
Chaerea:
Yes, a parasite
And a maidservant.
Parmeno [to himself]:
Ah, I know this well.
[to Chaerea]
Your goose is cooked. You’ve been consigned to Hell.
Chaerea:
You talk of other things apparently.
Parmeno:
Oh no, I talk of this same quandary
Chaerea:
Have you, then, seen the girl? Tell me if you
Know who she might be.
Parmeno:
Yes, I have; I do. 460
I know she took her.
Chaerea:
Really?
Parmeno:
Yes.
Chaerea:
You know
Where she is at this moment, Parmeno?
Parmeno:
Yes, she was taken by Thais, for she
Was given her as a gift.
Chaerea:
Who could that be
Who could afford her?
Parmeno:
He’s Captain Thraso,
Phaedria’s rival.
Chaerea:
A good deal of woe
For my poor brother!
Parmeno:
You’d say there was more
If you but knew what gift he has in store
For her.
Chaerea:
What gift?
Parmeno:
A eunuch.
Chaerea:
You don’t say!
You mean that creature she bought yesterday? 470
Parmeno:
Yes.
Chaerea:
Well, with gifts like that he’ll certainly
Be kicked out. But I didn’t know that she
Lived nearby.
Parmeno:
She came here not long ago.
Chaerea:
Ye gods, I’m done for, brimming full of woe.
I never saw her. Is she just as fair
As people say?
Parmeno:
Oh yes.
Chaerea:
But can’t compare
With my girl?
Parmeno:
She’s much fairer.
Chaerea:
Parmeno,
I long to have her. Please arrange it so.
Parmeno:
I’ll strive to do my best in helping you.
Is there yet more that you would have me do? 480
Chaerea:
Where are you going?
Parmeno:
Home, that I might bring
These slaves to Thais at the ordering
Of Phaedria.
Chaerea:
Such serendipity
That eunuch has that he’s destined to be
Her gift!
Parmeno:
Why’s that?
Chaerea:
Well, he will be right there
Beside a fellow-slave who’s passing fair.
He’ll see her, talk with her, be with her, day
And night, sometimes take food with her; he may
Sleep near her even.
Parmeno:
What if you should be
That person?
Chaerea:
How could that be so? Tell me. 490
Parmeno:
Put on his garb.
Chaerea:
His garb? What then?
Parmeno:
Then feign
To be him.
Chaerea:
Ah, I hear you.
Parmeno:
I’ll maintain
That you are he.
Chaerea:
I get it.
Parmeno:
Then you may
Enjoy all the advantages you say
That he enjoys – you’ll eat with her and be
Beside her, touch her, play with her, maybe
Sleep next to her. None of those women knows
Who you might be, so you may easily pose
As a eunuch through your age and your physique.
Chaerea:
I’ve never seen a better plan: you speak 500
Wisely. So let’s go in. Dress me and take
Me in immediately.
Parmeno:
What? You mistake.
I’m joking.
Chaerea:
Nonsense!
Parmeno:
Ah, what misery!
Why did I do this? Where are you pushing me?
You’ll knock me down. Stop it.
Chaerea:
Come on, let’s go.
Parmeno:
You still insist?
Chaerea:
I do, yes, Parmeno.
Parmeno:
I fear this is too hazardous a plot.
Chaerea:
I promise you it certainly is not.
Parmeno:
I’ll smart for it.
Chaerea:
Ah!
Parmeno:
We’re committing sin.
Chaerea:
Is it a sin that I should be let in 510
The house of a courtesan and thereby pay
Them back who torture us in every way
Due to our youth and cozen them as we
Ourselves were cozened by them constantly?
And is it right my father by some scheme
Was duped? To those who know this, it would seem
That I’m to blame, while everyone would see
The other as a good act.
Parmeno:
What are we
To do about it? If you must, then go
Ahead. Don’t lay your criticism, though,
On me after the fact.
Chaerea:
No, certainly
I won’t.
Parmeno:
You bid me, then?
Chaerea:
It’s my decree,
My urging, my command. I’ll never cede
My right. So follow me.
Parmeno:
May we succeed!
Thraso:
Did Thais thank me largely?
Gnatho:
Oh, yes, she
Did that – a lot.
Thraso:
Was she in ecstasy?
Gnatho:
Well, not the gift itself but that it came
From you. Indeed at that she was aflame.
Parmeno [entering, apart]:
I’m here to spy: should opportunity
Arise, it is incumbent upon me 530
To take the gifts. The captain’s here.
Thraso:
I guess
That everything I do brings thankfulness.
Gnatho:
I noticed.
Thraso:
Even the Great King used to say
“Thank you” for all my deeds. The rest? No way!
Gnatho:
Often a clever man like you will take
The fame earned by another’s toil and make
It his.
Thraso:
That’s very true.
Gnatho:
The King, then, in his sight
Has resolutely kept you –
Thraso:
Yes, that’s right.
Gnatho:
To be a comrade.
Thraso:
Yes, he certainly
Entrusted all his troops and plans to me. 540
Gnatho:
Amazing!
Thraso:
When men bored hm or he burned
With hate for business or, perhaps, he yearned
For respite, just as – do you get it?
Gnatho:
Yes,
Just as he wanted his unhappiness
To disappear…
Thraso:
You’ve got it. He’d take me
To be the sole man in his company.
Gnatho:
Ah, such a man of taste!
Thraso:
With very few
Acquaintances.
Gnatho:
If he spent time with you,
Then none, I think.
Thraso:
So they all envied me,
Tormented with discomfort privately. 550
But I don’t give a damn. Oh, they were green
With envy! – notably one who had been
Made Indian elephant-handler. For one day
When he was tiresome, I was moved to say
To him, “Strabo, is your ferocity
Because you’re running a menagerie
Of wild beasts?”
Gnatho:
Oh, well said, and wisely, too.
A body blow! What did he say to you?
Thraso:
He was struck dumb.
Gnatho:
Of course!
Parmeno [apart]:
One’s spiritless,
Past care, the other one is villainous. 560
Thraso:
Did I tell you about the time I chaffed
A Rhodian at a banquet? How we laughed!
Gnatho:
Never. Tell on, I pray. [apart] I’ve heard the joke
A thousand times.
Thraso:
The man of whom I spoke
Just now was young, and he began to toy
With my mistress and snigger at me. “Oy,”
You louse,“ I said, “a hare and yet not done
With hunting game?” [Gnatho laughs] What’s up?
Gnatho:
A clever one,
The very best of all that I’ve heard told.
Is it your own? For I had thought it old. 570
Thraso:
You know it?
Gnatho:
Yes, for it is said to be
Among the very best.
Thraso:
Well, actually,
It’s mine.
Gnatho:
It’s such a pity you should aim
It at an inconsiderate youth who came
From genteel kin.
Parmeno [apart]:
To Hell with you!
Gnatho:
What then?
Thraso:
Well, he was ruffled. All the other men
Round me were laughing fit to burst, although
They were afraid of me now.
Gnatho:
Rightly so.
Thraso:
Should I, then, go to Thais and remove
Her apprehensiveness that it might prove 580
I do not love the girl?
Gnatho:
Hell, no! Expand
Her doubts.
Thraso:
Why should I?
Gnatho:
Don’t you understand?
If she should mention Phaedria and show
She likes him, to provoke you…
Thraso:
Now I know.
Gnatho:
Why, it’s the only remedy. When she
Names Phaedria, then you immediately
Name Pamphila. Then if she should suggest
Inviting Phaedria to be her guest,
Say, “Let’s have Pamphila sing at your soirée.”
Should she praise Phaedria’s looks, then straight away 590
Praise Pamphila’s. And thus this tit-for-tat
Of yours will certainly be gnawing at
Her heart.
Thraso:
Well, if she loves me that will do
The trick, I think.
Gnatho:
The gifts she gets from you
And likes reveals her partiality
To you already. Thus she’ll easily
Get vexed and always fear the gifts you bear
For her you’ll angrily transfer elsewhere.
Thraso:
I never thought of that. Well said, Gnatho.
Gnatho:
Nonsense! You never thought of it? How so? 600
Had you not thought about it previously,
How did it come to you so readily?
Thais:
I thought I heard my captain’s voice. Ah, here
You are. Good-day, Thraso.
Thraso:
Good-day, my dear.
Sweet, how are you? How much do you love me
For sending you that music-girl?
Parmeno [apart]:
Oh, he
Is so polite! Oh what a splendid start
In meeting her!
Thais
Much, bless your generous heart.
Gnatho:
Let’s dine. Come on! Why are you standing there?
Parmeno [apart]:
That other one was born just for the fare 610
His gut can take.
Thraso:
I won’t delay to go.
Whenever you wish.
Parmeno [apart]:
I’ll go to them as though
I’m coming out. Are you going somewhere,
Thais?
Thais:
Parmeno, I’m off to take the air
Today.
Parmeno:
Where?
Thais [indicating Thraso]
Don’t you see him?
Parmeno [apart]:
Yes, I do –
Unfortunately. [to Thais] Here are gifts for you
From Phaedria.
Gnatho:
Why stand there? Let’s away.
Parmeno [to Thraso]:
Give her the gifts and pass the time of day
With her.
Thraso [sarcastically]:
Ah, they are splendid gifs, no doubt,
As good as mine.
Parmeno:
Well, you will soon find out.
[going to the door] Get them out now, as quickly as you can.
[to Thais] This one here is an Ethiopian.
Thraso:
Three minae.
Gnatho:
Hardly that much!
Parmeno:
Dorus, where
Are you? Come on outside [enter Phaedria, as the eunuch] This eunuch’s rare,
Genteel and youthful.
Thais:
And good-looking, too.
Parmeno:
What do you have to say, Gnatho? Do you
Find fault with him? And what of you, Thraso?
Well, neither of them says a word, and so
They must like him. [to Thais] Test him in anything –
In literature, music, wrestling. 630
This eunuch has the same ability
As gentlefolk.
Thraso:
If opportunity
Arose, this eunuch, even sober I’d –
Parmeno:
The giver of this gift could not abide
Your living just for him; he’d not exclude
All others nor upon your thoughts intrude
With talk of fights nor show his scars to you
Nor stifle you as other people do;
When it’s not inconvenient and when
You wish and when the time is right, why then 640
She will receive you.
Thraso [to Gnatho]:
Well, this servant’s master
Must be a most deplorable disaster.
Gnatho:
No-one who had the means to buy another
Could suffer him, I’m sure of it
Thraso:
Just smother
Your words, worst of the worst! The man who could
Flatter that man unquestionably would
Pick food out of the ashes of the dead.
Thraso:
Well, shall we go?
Thais:
These folks must first be led
Inside; I’ll give my orders, then come out.
Thraso [to Gnatho]:
Well, I’ll be on my way. You, hang about 650
For her.
[Gnatho laughs]
It’s wrong for generals to walk
Abroad with their mistresses.
Thraso:
I won’t talk
To you! You ape your master. [Gnatho laughs] Why that roar
Of laughter?
Gnatho:
Something that you said before
About the Rhodian just came to me.
Here’s Thais.
Thraso:
Go ahead immediately.
Make all things ready.
Gnatho:
Right.
Thais:
Pythias, make clear
That Chremes, if he should be coming here,
Should wait. If he can’t do that easily,
He should come back, but bring him straight to me 660
If he cannot.
Pythias:
Right.
Thais:
What did I intend
To say? Ah yes, make sure that you attend
That maiden well and make sure you shall be
At home.
Thraso:
Well, let us go.
Thais:
And follow me.
Chremes [to himself]:
The more I think of it, the more I guess
That Thais plans to cause me much distress:
I see that she besets me cunningly,
Even that first time she requested me
To be fetched to her (somebody may say
“What business had you with her, then?” Well, hey, 670
I’ve no idea). Then when I came she found
Some pretext that I’d have to hang around.
She said that she had made a sacrifice
For business with me – I smelt a device.
And then she lay beside me, focusing
All her attention on me, essaying
To speak with me. When conversation grew
Awkward, she turned the subject in a new
Direction: “How long is it since they died –
Your mother and your father?” I replied, 680
“A long time.” Did I own a property
In Sunium? And how far from the sea?
I think she wished to take the place from me
Because she fancied it. Then, finally,
Had I a little sister from that spot
Who disappeared ? And who was with her? What
Did she have on her? What did she intend
With suchlike questions? Would she, then, pretend
To be my sister? Such audacity!
But if she’s still alive now, she would be 690
Sixteen, no older. I am younger than
Thais. As resolutely as she can,
She calls for me. Let her say what she will
And not be troublesome: by Heaven, I still
Won’t come a third time. Hey! Hello! Hello!
Is someone there? It’s Chremes.
Pythias:
He is so
Charming!
Chremes [apart]:
Traps, then, are set.
Pythias:
Most earnestly
Thais beseeches you that you should be
Her guest tomorrow.
Chremes:
No. I’m going to
The country.
Pythias:
Come, good sir, I beg of you. 700
Chremes:
It’s quite impossible, I say.
Pythias:
Then stay
With us till she returns.
Chremes:
No, there’s no way.
Pythias:
But why, Chremes?
Chremes:
You dreadful creature, leave.
Pythias:
Well, if you’re still determined, she’ll receive
You where she is.
Chremes:
I’ll go there.
Pythias:
Dorias, see
Him to the captain’s house immediately.
Antipho [to himself]:
A few of us young fellows yesterday
At the Piraeus chose to while away
The time in feasting. Chaerea’d be the King
Of Revels, we decided. Each one’s ring 710
Was pledged, both place and time arranged, and yet
The time’s gone by and nothing has been set.
I can’t find Chaerea and I don’t know
What I should say or think. The others, though,
Commissioned me to seek him out. Therefore
I’ll try his home. Who’s there at Thais’ door?
He’s coming out. I wonder if it’s he.
It is. But what is all that frippery
He’s wearing? What’s he up to? I can’t say.
I’ll have to suss him out farther away. 720
Chaerea [to himself]:
Is anybody here? No, there’s no one.
Is someone dogging me? Ah good, there’s none.
I now can give vent to my ecstasy.
I’m now prepared to die assuredly
So that my life may not be sullied by
Some mishap. Is there not now, though, some spy
Who follows me wherever I may be,
Intent on deafening and worrying me
To death by asking why this happiness,
This joyfulness, where did I get this dress, 730
Where I am going, whence, what is my end
In this, am I quite sane or round the bend?
Antipho [apart]:
I’ll go and grant the favour that I see
He wants. [to Chaerea] Chaerea, what’s this frippery?
Why are you wearing it? I’d love to glean
From you why you’re so happy: what does it mean?
Are you insane? Why do you stare at me?
Why mute?
Chaerea:
I greet you, comrade, happily.
O joyful day! There’s no-one anywhere
I’d rather see than you.
Antipho:
So you must share 740
With me what all this means.
Chaerea:
I beg of you,
Listen to me. You know the mistress who
Has taken my brother’s fancy?
Antipho:
Certainly.
Her name’s Thais, I think.
Chaerea:
Yes, that is she.
Antipho:
As I recall.
Chaerea:
Why should I, Antipho,
Extol to you her beauty since you know
That I judge beauty well? I’ve got it bad.
Antipho:
Really?
Chaerea:
If you’d seen her, you’d say she had
Exquisite looks, I know. What more to say?
I fell in love, Then, as is fortune’s way, 750
There was a eunuch whom my brother bought
For his Thais, but no-one yet had thought
To send him on. A plan given to me
By Parmeno, my servant, rapidly
I took up.
Antipho:
Which was….?
Chaerea:
Quiet! You shall hear
It soon enough. For I should then appear
As him once we’d changed clothes.
Antipho:
But you would seem
A eunuch?
Chaerea:
Yes, that’s right.
Antipho:
And from this scheme
You’d gain precisely what?
Chaerea:
What?? I would be
With her, hear her and see her constantly. 760
Is that a slight or trivial motivation?
Thais showed her to me. An invitation
Came next to stay within her house, and she,
Once she’d received me there delightedly,
Entrusted her…
Antipho:
To whom?
Chaerea:
Why, me.
Antipho:
Well then,
You’re covered.
Chaerea:
She’d decided that no men
Should go near her and told me to abide
And sojourn with the maid alone inside
The inner rooms. I nodded, modestly
Looking upon the ground.
Antipho [sarcastically]:
Poor chap!
Chaerea:
Then she 770
Said, “I am off to dinner,” and she swept
Off with some maids of hers; some few were kept
Behind, for they were basically trainees:
They organized her bath. I said to these,
“Be quick.” Within her room the maiden sat,
As this was going on, while gazing at
A painting representing Danaë
Into whose lap a shower of gold, they say,
Was sent. I looked at it in great delight
That Jupiter once used a similar sleight 780
By changing to a man and entering
Another person’s house and fashioning
A bogus shower so he could mislead
A woman. What god was it, though, indeed?
The one who smote high temples when he threw
His thunderbolt. Could I not do this, too,
Though just a mortal creature? Happily
I did it. I was in this reverie
When she was called to bathe, and so the maid
Went off to bathe, then came back. Then they laid 790
Her on a couch. I stayed expectantly,
Awaiting orders. One maid said to me,
“Pick up the fan and let us have some air
While we are bathing. Then, if you should care
To do so, bathe as well. With modesty
I took the fan.
Antipho:
I would have loved to see
Your cheeky face – a hulking mule like you
Holding a fan!
Chaerea:
Well, with no more ado
They rushed away to bathe with many a shout,
As maids do when the master’s not about. 800
My maid was now asleep, and with a glance
I looked at her (you may call it askance,
Since it was through the fan). I looked around
To see if it was safe – it was, I found!
I locked the door.
Antipho:
And then…?
Chaerea:
“And then”, you ass?
Antipho:
I am, I know it.
Chaerea:
How could I let pass
This glorious, fleeting opportunity,
Longed-for yet seeming hopeless? I would be
The eunuch that I played if I rejected
This chance.
Antipho:
That’s true. But what of the expected 810
Feast?
Chaerea:
It’s all been prepared.
Antipho:
That’s marvellous.
Where will it be? At your house?
Chaerea:
No, Discus,
Our freedman’s, place.
Antipho:
That’s far. We can’t be slow.
We must move quickly. Change your dress.
Chaerea:
Where, though?
I’m done for! I’m an exile even where
I live: I fear my brother will be there.
My father may be back, too, from his land
Up-country.
Antipho:
Well, my house is close at hand.
Let’s go there where you’ll change your dress.
Chaerea:
Well said!
I wonder, too, if there is in your head 820
A plan that I may take up to possess
The girl I love.
Antipho:
I wish you all success.
Dorias:
From what I’ve seen, I am afraid today
That madman will incite a dreadful fray
Or harm Thais. For when the youth Chremes,
The maiden’s brother, came here, she said, “Please,
Let him in, Captain.” He immediately
Got angry but dared not refuse her plea.
She still insisted, wanting him to stay,
The time not being right for her to say 830
Some words about her sister. Moodily
He let in Chremes, and he stayed. Then she
Began to talk to him. The captain thought
That right before his eyes Thais had brought
A rival. Therefore, wishing to annoy
The woman, he then shouted out, “Hey, boy,
Fetch Pamphila to entertain us here.”
Said Thais, “While we’re banqueting? No fear!”
He kept on – it turned to controversy.
She then took off her golden jewellery 840
Behind his back for me to take away –
A sign that she’d be leaving straight away.
Phaedria [to himself]:
Country-bound, I began to ruminate
(I’m prone to do so when things aggravate
My mind) on several themes. I came to see
Each one of them most unhospitably.
Why spell it out? While I was musing thus,
I passed my villa in my heedlessness.
I’d gone quite far, then twigged and turned around;
As I was walking back again I found 850
That I felt queasy. I stopped at my drive
And reasoned with myself: “Oh man alive!
Two days without her? And then? Nothing! What?
Nothing at all? Will it become my lot
Not even to touch her or to even see
Her face? If it is not allowed for me
To do the one, then it’s but fair I may
Yet do the other? Love that’s faraway
Outranks no love at all.” I purposely
Passed by my villa, as it seems to me. 860
But how’s this? Suddenly into my sight
There hurries Pythias in such a fright.
Pythias [apart]:
Where shall I find this wretch? Ah, to commit
A dreadful thing like that!
Phaedria [apart]:
I fear what it
Might be. I’m done for!
Pythias [apart]:
And, moreover, he,
Once he had made a perfect mockery
Of the maid, rent all her clothes, her hair.
Phaedria [apart]:
Ah!
Pythias:
Should
I have him here right now, I surely would
Fly at the villain’s eyes and scratch them out.
Phaedria:
I don’t know what that fray was all about 870
At home when I was absent [comes forward] Ah, what speed
You’re making, Pythias! Whom do you need
To speak to?
Pythias:
Phaedria, away with you!
You and your fine gifts!
Phaedria:
Why, what’s to do?
Pythias:
That eunuch that you gave us has created
Confusion here. He’s gone and violated
The maid, the captain’s gift.
Phaedria:
What’s that you say?
Pythias:
I’m dead!
Phaedria:
You’re drunk!
Pythias:
I wish you were that way,
Attacking me like that.
Dorias:
What monstrous act
Is this?
Phaedria:
You’re mad: a eunuch can’t in fact 880
Do that.
Pythias:
I don’t know him, but what he’s done
Speaks for itself. The maiden weeps: if one
Should ask her why, she doesn’t dare reply.
The swine is nowhere to be found, and I
Suspect he’s stolen something.
Phaedria:
But I’d guess
The bastard can’t be far away, unless
He’s gone back to our house.
Pythias:
Please go and see.
Phaedria:
I will and let you know immediately.
Dorias:
Ye gods, that is the grossest thing, my dear,
That in my life I’ve ever had to hear. 890
They love women, I hear, exceedingly
But can’t perform with them; unfortunately
I erred. I should have barred him, I’m afraid,
Of ever going anywhere near the maid.
Phaedria;
Come out, you beast! Resisting, eh, disgrace?
Dorus:
Please!
Phaedria:
Look at that – the swine screws up his face!
Why come back here? Why change your clothes? If I’d
Delayed a moment longer, he’d have hied
Away.
Pythias:
You’ve got him?
Phaedria:
Yes, I have.
Pythias:
Well done!
Dorus:
Fine!
Phaedria:
Where is he? I can’t see anyone. 900
Phaedria:
You don’t? He’s here.
Pythias:
Who’s here?
Phaedria:
This fellow.
Pythias:
Who
Is he?
Phaedria:
He who today was brought to you.
Pythias:
None of our maids have seen this man before.
Did you believe he was brought to our door?
Phaedria:
The only one.
Pythias:
There’s no comparison
Between this fellow and the other one,
Who’s handsome and genteel.
Phaedria:
He did seem thus
When dressed in fancy clothes: he’s hideous
Without them now.
Pythias:
Hush! What a stupid thought!
The difference is huge. One youth was brought 910
To us whose face you would have loved to see.
This man is clapped-out, withered, doddery
And weasel-coloured.
Phaedria:
What? Can this be true?
You’ve got me so I haven’t got a clue
Of what I did. [to Dorus] Did I buy you?
Dorus:
You did
Indeed, sir.
Pythias:
In his turn, however, bid
Him answer me.
Phaedria:
Well, ask him.
Pythias:
[to Dorus] Did you come
To us this very day? [to the others] Remaining dumb,
He shakes his head. The other fellow, though,
Came here at sixteen years, with Parmeno. 920
Phaedria:
First ask me this: where did you get that dress?
You give me no reply. Such monstrousness!
Dorus:
Chaerea came.
Phaedria:
My brother?
Dorus:
Yes.
Phaedria:
But when?
Dorus:
Today.
Phaedria:
What time?
Dorus:
Just now.
Phaedria:
With whom?
Dorus:
Again –
With Parmeno.
Phaedria:
Did you know him before?
Dorus:
I’d never heard of him.
Phaedria:
But tell me more:
How did you know he was my brother, though?
Dorus:
I was myself informed by Parmeno,
Who gave to me this dress.
Phaedria:
Ye gods, I’m dead!
Dorus:
And then he dressed himself in mine instead; 930
And then they left together.
Pythias:
Well, you know
I’m sober and have told no lies, and so
It’s clear the maid was ravished, yes?
Phaedria:
Do you
Believe that was this rogue has said is true?
Pythias:
Why should I not believe him? Look, the act
Speaks for itself, and that’s a certain fact.
Phaedria [apart, to Dorus]:
Move this way just a little. Do you hear?
No, just a little closer. Yes, that’s near
Enough. Did Chaerea take your dress from you?
Dorus:
He did.
Phaedria:
And did he put it on?
Dorus:
That’s true. 940
And then instead of you he was brought here?
Dorus:
That’s right.
Phaedria:
A most audacious man, I fear.
Pythias:
Do you not now believe the mockery
Imposed with this unworthy trickery
On us?
Phaedria:
It’s not extraordinary, though,
That he believes the fellow. I don’t know
What I should do. [aside to Dorus] Deny it all again.
[aloud] Can I not get the truth from you? Now then,
Did you see Chaerea?
Dorus:
No.
Phaedria:
He can’t be
Brought to confess without some penalty, 950
I see. So follow me. First he agrees
But then denies [apart to Dorus] Ask pardon.
Dorus:
Phaedria, please
Forgive me.
Phaedria:
Go in. [kicks Dorus]
Dorus:
Ow!
Phaedria:
I do not know
Another honest way to dodge this blow.
I’ve had it! [aloud, pretending indignation] Even here you mess with me,
You swine!
Pythias:
All this is Parmeno’s trickery,
As sure as I’m alive.
Dorias:
Indeed.
Pythias:
Today
I’m going to find a way to make him pay.
Dorias, what should I do, do you suppose?
Dorias:
About the maid?
Pythias:
That’s right. Should I disclose 960
The truth or keep my mouth shut?
Dorias:
Well, if you
Are prudent, you won’t know the facts you do
Know – of the eunuch and about the fact
The maid was ravished: so by this one act
You will be trouble-free and also do
A service for Thais. And therefore you
Must simply say Dorus has gone away.
Pythias:
Right.
Dorias:
Do I see Chremes? Coming this way
There is Thais.
Pythias:
Why is she here?
Dorias:
When I
Left here, I saw those two begin to fly 970
Into a spat. Take in these trinkets: thus
I’ll find the origin of all this fuss.
Chremes:
I’ve been bamboozled – all that wine made me
Dizzy. While lying down, I felt to be
Quite sober. But when I got up, I’d find
The duties of my feet and of my mind
Were forfeited.
Pythias:
Chremes!
Chremes:
Who’s that I hear?
Ah, Pythias! Indeed it’s pretty clear
That you’re more charming than you were before.
Pythias:
And you, too, have perked up a good deal more. 980
Chremes:
Without Ceres and Liber, it’s well said,
Venus is cold. Was Thais well ahead
Of us here?
Pythias:
Has she left the captain?
Chremes:
Long
Ago. They had a row – quite a ding-dong
Affair.
Pythias:
But did she say nothing about
Your following her?
Chremes:
Nothing, but, setting out,
She gave a nod to me.
Pythias:
But was that not
Enough?
Chremes:
Well, I’m afraid I did not spot
Her drift till the captain made extremely clear
What I had missed. And then out on my ear 990
Was I expelled. But look here – it is she.
I wonder how she’s here ahead of me.
Thais [to herself]:
He’ll soon be here, I think, to take away
My maid. Well, let him come. If he should lay
One finger on me, I immediately
I shall scratch his eyes out. His effrontery
And fancy words I’m able to endure
While they are just words, but you can be sure,
If they turn into actual deeds, then I’ll
Have him assaulted.
Chremes:
Thais, for some while 1000
I’ve been here.
Thais:
I have been expecting you,
Chremes. Are you aware that this to-do
Is all your fault?
Chremes:
My fault? How can that be?
Because, while I was trying earnestly
To get your sister back, I’ve had to bear
All that and so much more.
Chremes:
But tell me where
She is.
Thais:
At my house.
Chremes:
Hah!
Thais:
She has been bred
Well, as have you yourself.
Chremes:
What’s that you said?
Thais:
Its true. She’s yours – and I require no fee
For her.
Chremes:
I give you thanks most earnestly, 1010
As you deserve.
Thais:
Take care, though, that you’ll not
Find out you’ve lost the wench before you’ve got
Her safely – the captain will soon appear
To take the girl by force away from here
Go in the house, Pythias, and bring to me
The casket with the tokens.
Chremes:
Do you see
Him coming - ?
Pythias [to Thais]:
But where is it?
Thais:
Why are you
So slow? It’s in the chest. Go – quickly, too. [Pythias goes in]
Chremes:
The captain’s bringing such a troop of men.
Ye gods!
Thais:
Does that make you so nervous, then? 1020
Chremes:
Oh, get away with you! What - nervous? Me?
No man on earth’s less so.
Thais:
Then let me see
The proof.
Chremes:
What kind of man is it you feel
I am?
Thais:
Look, he with whom you have to deal
Is foreign, too, and has less sway than you,
Is less well-known and here his friends are few.
Chremes:
I know, but it would be impetuous
To do what you may shun, better for us
To forestall rather than revenge once we
Receive an injury. Accordingly, 1030
Go in and lock the door, for I must hustle
Off to the forum – I must in this tussle
Have lawyers round me.
Thais:
Stay!
Chremes:
I should…
Thais:
No, stay!
Chremes:
I’ll be back soon. Let me be on my way.
Thais:
There is no need, Chremes: just say that she
Is your true sister, in her infancy
You lost her but have found her once again,
Then show the tokens.
Pythias (giving the tokens]:
They’re here.
Thais:
Take them, then.
If he gets violent, summons him. You see
The plot?
Chremes:
Yes.
Thais:
Say it all judiciously. 1040
Chremes: I will.
Thais:
Gather up your cloak! [aside] I am undone!
My lawyer now himself has need of one.
Thraso:
Shall I yield to this dreadful slur, Gnatho?
I’d rather die. Donax, Simalio,
Syriscus, follow me. Now straight away
I’ll storm the house…
Gnatho:
Quite right.
Thraso:
…and snatch away
The girl.
Gnatho:
Ah, yes.
Thraso:
And I will beat her, too.
Gnatho:
Of course.
Thraso: Into the fray, then, Donax, you
Take your crowbar. Simalio, the left wing
Is yours, Syriscus, yours the right. Then bring 1050
The rest. Where’s Sanga, the centurion
And thievish standard-bearer?
Sanga:
Here.
Thraso:
Go on,
You knave! A sponge to fight with?
Sanga:
Well, I knew
A leader’s grit and soldiers’ powers, too:
What else should I possess to wipe away
The blood?
Thraso:
Where are the others?
Sanga:
What? You say
The others, damn you? Only Sannio
Is left on guard at home.
Thraso:
Now you must go
And draw the troops up. In the centre line
I’ll place myself and give you all the sign. 1060
Gnatho [aside]:
How wise! His troops drawn up, he then will find
A hiding-place.
Thraso:
A strategy of this kind
Pyrrhus once used. [Chremes and Thais appear at the window]
Chremes [to Thais]:
You see his ruse? My plan
To lock the door was good advice.
Thais:
The man
You think a hero shows himself to be
A paltry wretch full of stupidity.
Don’t be alarmed.
Thraso [to Gnatho]:
What’s your advice?
Thais [aside, to Chremes]:
A sling
For you to use would be the very thing –
Cast on the sly it would make them take flight.
Thraso:
There’s Thais.
Gnatho:
When should we fall to?
Thraso:
Hold tight! 1070
We should try everything before we start
To fight. She may have had a change of heart
And do what I bade her to do without
Compulsion.
Gnatho:
You are wise, there is no doubt.
I always learn from you.
Thraso:
Primarily,
Thais, when you received the maid from me,
You said that you’d be my girl, did you not,
For some time?
Thais:
What’s the point you’re making?
Thraso:
What?
You who displayed a lover openly?
Thais:
And so…?
Thraso:
And left with him clandestinely? 1080
Thais:
My choice!
Thraso:
Give back the maid or I’ll attack
You here and now.
Chremes:
What? Give Pamphila back
Or be assailed? What the - ?
Gnatho:
Watch what you say!
Thraso:
What do you mean by that? You say I may
Not touch what’s mine?
Chremes:
Yours, rogue?
Gnatho:
You do not know
Whom you are cursing.
Chremes:
Why don’t you just go?
You know the score? If you should start a brawl
Today, you may be sure that you’ll recall
Forevermore the place, the day and me.
Gnatho:
You will regret making an enemy 1090
Of such a man as him.
Chremes:
I’ll smash your head
If you don’t sling your hook.
Gnatho:
What’s that you said,
You dog? Is that your game, then?
Thraso:
Who are you,
What do you want and what have you to do
With her?
Chremes:
Well, first of all I have to tell
What you should know – that she’s freeborn.
Thraso:
Like hell!
Chremes:
And she’s from Attica.
Thraso:
Ye gods!
Chremes:
And she
Was born my sister.
Thraso:
Such effrontery!
Chremes:
I warn you, Captain, then, to pose no threat
At all to her. Now, Thais, I will get 1100
The nurse Sophrona to bring her and show
The tokens.
Thraso:
Are you issuing a veto
That I may not touch what is mine?
Chremes:
Too true!
Gnatho:
You hear? That’s theft! Is that enough for you?
Thraso:
Thais, you say the same?
Thais:
Yes, go and find
Someone to answer you.
Thraso [to Gnatho]:
We’re in a bind.
What should we do?
Gnatho:
Go back: she’ll soon be here
To ask forgiveness.
Thraso:
Really?
Gnatho:
Have no fear.
I know a woman’s mind: she will forgo
What you desire, but when you tell her “No”, 1110
She longs for it.
Thraso:
Good thinking.
Gnatho:
Shall I, then,
Dismiss the troops?
Thraso:
Yes, as you will.
Gnatho:
As men
Of valour do, remember to take care
Of hearth and home.
Sanga:
For long my mind’s been there
Among the pots and pans.
Gnatho:
What a mainstay
You’ve proved to be.
Thraso:
Now follow me this way.
Thais:
What’s all this foggy talk? “I am aware”;
“I’m not”; “he’s gone”; “I’ve heard”; “I wasn’t there.”
Be clear! The girl has had her garments rent,
And now she’s all in tears and reticent. 1120
The eunuch’s gone. Why? What’s all this to-do?
Why mute?
Pythias:
Oh dear, what can I say to you?
They say he wasn’t a eunuch after all.
Thais:
Then who?
Pythias:
That Chaerea.
Thais:
Can you recall
Which Chaerea it was?
Pythias:
That young man who
Is Phaedria’s brother.
Thais:
What, you hag?
Pythias:
It’s true.
Thais:
Why is he here? Who brought him?
Pythias:
I don’t know,
Though he, I think, loves Pamphila.
Thais:
Oh woe!
If that’s the truth! Is it because of this
She weeps?
Pythias:
I think so.
Thais:
Ah, you roguish miss! 1130
Did I not warn you, when I said adieu,
About this very thing?
Pythias:
What could I do?
She was entrusted, by your own decree,
To him alone.
Thais: You have unfortunately
Conveyed a wolf into a shepherd’s fold.
I am so much ashamed that I have told
You to do that. What kind of man is he?
Pythias:
Mistress, be quiet! Bite your tongue! For we
Are saved. He’s here.
Thais:
Where?
Pythias:
On the left. Do you
Not see the very man?
Thais:
Why, yes, I do. 1140
Pythias:
Have him arrested, then, immediately.
Thais:
And then do what?
Pythias:
Do you ask that of me?
Just look at him – ah, what an impudent face!
Do you not see he’s chock-full of disgrace?
Chaerea [to himself]:
Both parents were at Antipho’s, as though
On purpose, so that I could hardly go
Inside unseen. But then I saw someone
I knew approaching me, so, at a run,
I took off down some unfrequented street,
And then two more, in fear that I might meet 1150
Someone who’d recognize me. Ah, bad luck!
Is that not Thais? Yes, it is. I’m stuck.
What should I do? And yet why should I care?
What can she do to me?
Thais [to Pythias]:
Let’s stop him there.
[to Chaerea] Dorus, good-day. Say, have you run away?
Chaerea:
Yes.
Thais:
Happy?
Chaerea:
No.
Thais:
You think you’ll have to pay
The price for it?
Chaerea:
Forgive me this one sin:
If I commit another, do me in.
Thais:
My anger scared you?
Chaerea:
No.
Thais:
But…?
Chaerea:
That that one [indicating Pythias]
Might rat on me to you.
Thais:
What have you done? 1160
Chaerea:
Not much.
Pythias:
You say ‘not much’, you misery?
To rape a citizen??
Chaerea:
I thought that she
Was just a fellow-slave.
Pythias:
I hardly can
Restrain myself from flying at the man
And tearing at his hair. He’s here to jeer
At us.
Thais [to Pythias]:
You crazy thing, get out of here!
Pythias:
Why? If I did, I do believe I’d be
In debt to that hang-dog, especially
Since he has actually confessed to you
That he’s your servant.
Thais [to Chaerea]:
Chaerea, let’s do 1170
Away with all of that. Unworthily
You’ve acted: if in the highest degree
I did deserve this outrage, all the same
Your profanation calls out for some blame.
Right now I don’t know how to counsel you
About the maid, since you have made a stew
Of all my thoughts. How could I possibly
Restore the maid back to the company
Of all her friends, as would be fair and right,
As I had hoped to do? That way I might 1180
Do a service to myself.
Chaerea:
I hope, Thais,
That henceforth there will be goodwill and peace
Between us. Circumstances of this kind
May start unhappily but then you’ll find
They end in friendship. Some divinity
Perhaps decreed this.
Thais:
I will certainly
Accede to it.
Chaerea:
Be sure the explanation
Of my unworthy act was adoration
And not an urge to hurt you.
Thais:
Yes, I know –
That’s why I pardon you. I am not so 1190
Callous or green that I’m oblivious
Of love’s strength.
Chaerea:
Now I’m feeling amorous
Towards you, too.
Pythias:
Be careful, mistress, do!
Thais:
I wouldn’t dare –
Pythias:
I don’t have faith in you
In anything.
Thais:
Desist!
Chaerea:
Please succour me:
I put myself into your custody.
If I can’t have her as my wife, I’ll die.
Thais:
But if your father –
Chaerea:
Oh, he will comply
If she’s a citizen.
Thais:
Then wait right here:
The brother of the maid will soon appear. 1200
He’ll fetch the nurse who tended her when she
Was just a baby. And here will you be
To see him recognize her.
Chaerea:
Oh, I’ll stay.
Thais:
And meanwhile, while Cremes is on his way,
Shall we go in?
Chaerea:
Oh yes!
Pythias [to Thais]:
What will you do?
Thais:
Why, what’s the matter now?
Pythias:
I ask of you,
Will you allow him in there even now?
Thais:
Why not?
Pythias:
He’ll cause some rumpus here, I vow.
Thais:
Shush!
Pythias:
You don’t see this man’s audacity.
Chaerea:
I won’t do anything.
Pythias:
You cannot be 1210
Relied upon.
Chaerea:
Please keep me safe!
Pythias:
I’d dare
Not give you anything to keep, nor care
To keep you either. Go away!
Thais:
At last
Here comes the brother.
Chaerea:
Ah, the die is cast!
Let’s go in, Thais. I’d not have him see
Me in this dress.
Thais:
Wherefore? Ignominy?
Chaerea:
Yes.
Thais:
But the maid –
Chaerea:
I’ll follow: go in, please.
Pythias, stay here to usher in Chremes.
Pythias [to herself]:
What should I do? I wonder how I can
Pay back the villain who palmed off this man 1220
On us.
Chremes:
Quick, Nurse!
Sophrona:
I’m moving. Can’t you see?
Chremes:
I can. It’s not in the direction we
Are going, though.
Pythias:
Tell me now - have you shown
The nurse the tokens?
Chremes:
Yes.
Pythias:
And does she own
She recognizes them?
Chremes:
Yes, totally.
Pythias:
Good news: I hope it brings prosperity
To the maid. My mistress from some time ago
Has been expecting you. [Chremes and Sophrona go in] Look! Parmeno,
That splendid chap, is here. How leisurely
He moves! I hope that my ability 1230
Is equal to tormenting him. I’ll go
Inside so that I may for certain know
Of the discovery. Then, back outside,
I’ll make sure that he’s truly terrified.
Parmeno [to himself]:
I’m back to see what Chaerea’s doing here.
If he’s done well, he’ll get a welcome cheer.
Despite the passion he feels for a maid,
Owned by a greedy whore, for which he paid
In spades, I’ve found a way to bring content
To him without cost or predicament. 1240
Then there’s the other point, which I don’t doubt
Crowns all my other deeds – I have found out
How young men may learn all the different ways
Whores may employ so that through all their days
They may loathe them. [enter Pythias, unseen] In them nothing is seen,
When they are out of doors, more neat or clean
Or elegant, and when they’re going out
To dine with lovers, they will pick about
Food daintily, but see their filthiness
When home, their squalor and their neediness, 1250
Their sluttishness, their greed; they’ll eat black bread
With yesterday’s broth. A youth who has been fed
This knowledge is secure.
Pythias [apart]:
These sneers will I
Avenge so that you will not ever try
To ridicule us with impunity.
Ye gods, a wretched youth! Such villainy!
And cursed be he who brought him hither, too,
That scoundrel Parmeno!
Parmeno:
Why, what’s to do?
Pythias:
I pity him. I left so that I may
Not see the foul examples that they say
They’ll make of him.
Parmeno:
I’m done for! What a mess!
Well, I’ll accost her. Pythias, confess
What this is all about! Say what was meant
By those “examples”!
Pythias:
What, you malcontent?
You’ve ruined the man who brought the youth to be
The eunuch, while you planned a mockery
Of us.
Parmeno:
What happened, then?
Pythias:
Well, did you know
The maid Thais was given not long ago
Today’s a citizen, her brother, too,
A nobleman?
Parmeno:
I didn’t.
Pythias:
Well, it’s true - 1270
It has been proven. Chremes ravished her,
And when her brother found out what the cur
Had done, he furiously –
Parmeno:
Yes? Furiously
Did what?
Pythias:
Bound him.
Parmeno:
Bound him?
Pythias:
While pleadingly
Thais said, “Stop it.” He now, furthermore,
Threatened the punishment that’s laid out for
All rapists, something I don’t wish to see.
Parmeno:
How could he carry out such savagery?
Pythias:
Why savagery?
Parmeno:
Could it be otherwise?
Has anyone beheld before his eyes
A rapist in a strumpet’s house arrested?
Pythias:
I don’t know.
Parmeno:
But know this – it’s been attested
That he’s my master’s son.
Pythias:
It’s him?
Parmeno:
Don’t let
Thais lay hands on him. But better yet,
I’ll go inside.
Pythias:
Take care that you should do
Some injury to the man and find that you
Are injured equally, for everyone
Thinks that it’s you who’ve caused all that’s been done.
Parmeno:
What should I do or think up? Ah, I see
The old man from his country property. 1290
Should I tell him or not? I will, although
I shall get from this service many a blow.
But he must rescue him.
Pythias:
That’s wisely done.
Go in! Tell them each instance, one by one!
Laches [to himself]:
Because my country-house is very hear
I have the benefit never to fear
Boredom from town or country: when ennui
Takes over, I change my locality.
That’s Parmeno, I think, there at the door.
I wonder now whom he is waiting for. 1300
Parmeno [pretending not to see him]:
Who’s that? Master, I’m glad you’re safely here.
Laches:
Whom are you waiting for?
Parmeno [aside]:
I’m stiff with fear.
Laches:
What’s wrong? Why do you shake? Come on, tell me.
Parmeno:
Well, I will tell you in all honesty
I’m not to blame.
Laches:
In what? What do you mean?
Parmeno:
You well may ask. Indeed, I should have been
Up-front and told you all much earlier.
Phaedria bought a eunuch and to her [indicating Thais’s house]
I was to give him.
Laches:
Her?
Parmeno:
Thais.
Laches:
I’ll die!
What was the price she paid?
Parmeno:
Twenty minae. 1310
Laches:
Ye gods! A music-girl has hypnotized
Chaerea here.
Laches:
Has he not realized
A strumpet’s function? And has he, then come
To town? A limitless continuum
Of troubles!
Parmeno:
Do not look at me like that,
Master – I didn’t spur him on.
Laches:
You rat,
Don’t talk about yourself! For as I live,
I’ll – But whatever the facts may be, just give
An explanation.
Parmeno:
He was brought instead
Of the eunuch here.
Laches:
Instead?
Parmeno:
That’s what I said. 1320
And he has been arrested since inside
The house for rape and he’s securely tied.
Laches:
I’m done for!
Parmeno:
Well, there’s the audacity
Of strumpets.
Laches:
Is there more iniquity
Or loss to tell me?
Parmeno:
That is all.
Laches:
I’ll go
Inside at once. [enters the house]
Parmeno:
There’s certainly much woe
Coming to me, although I had great need
To act that way. I’m glad, though, that indeed
These women, too, will weep because of me.
For the old man’s been seeking endlessly 1330
Some stimulus or other that he might
Do them a bad turn. Now it’s come to light.
Pythias [to herself]:
It’s been so long since anything at all
That’s happened in my life has made me fall
About with mirth. The old man came into
The house, mistaken. I alone then knew
The thing he feared.
Parmeno [apart]:
What’s this?
Pythias:
Now out I go
To have a word or two with Parmeno.
And yet where is the man I want to see?
Parmeno:
She’s looking for me.
Pythias:
There he is – that’s he. 1340
Parmeno:
What’s up, you dolt? What are you laughing at?
What do you want?
Pythias:
Ah, I am knocked out flat
With laughing at you.
Parmeno:
Why?
Pythias:
You ask me why?
Ye gods, a more moronic man have I
Not seen or will see. I cannot express
How many hours of pure joyousness
You’ve caused inside the house. Yet formerly
I thought you clever. Did you instantly
Need to trust me? Or were you then content
Not only with that crime, by your assent 1350
Committed by the young man, but that you
Betray the fellow to his father, too?
How do you think his father felt when he
Observed his son dressed in that frippery?
You know you’ve had it?
Parmeno:
What, you bitch, were these
All lies? Are you still laughing? Does it please
Your heart to laugh at us?
Pythias:
Oh yes! I’ll say!
Parmeno:
But do you think that you will get away
With this?
Pythias:
Yes.
Parmeno:
Oh but I will get you yet.
Pythias:
I think you will, but, Parmeno, your threat 1360
May wait till later on. Your penalty
Will be to hang, since for his felony
You made a youth remarkable and then
Betrayed him to his father. Both those men
Will make an example of you.
Parmeno:
Now I’m nought!
Pythias:
This prize is for that present that you brought.
Parmeno [to himself]:
I’m caught today just like a rat in a trap,
And, self-betrayed, I cannot beat the rap.
Gnatho:
What hope have we? What is your plan, Thraso?
Thraso:
What is my plan? Well, I intend to throw 1370
Myself on Thais’ mercy and to do
What she commands.
Gnatho:
Did I hear that from you?
Thraso:
Why should I do less, though, than Hercules
When serving Omphale?
Gnatho:
This tends to please
Me much. [aside] I’d rather see a slipper clout
Your head. That creak means someone’s coming out.
Ah, what more mischief is there left to fear?
And why’s that total stranger rushing here?
Chaerea [to himself, aloud]:
Citizens, who is more well-blessed than me
Today? No-one! For it is plain to see 1380
That I’m all-powerful. My thanks are owed
To all the gods, who’ve suddenly bestowed
So many blessings on me.
Parmeno [apart]:
Why is he
So happy?
Chaerea:
Parmeno, so dear to me,
My joys’ creator, do you know the ground
Of my delight? My Pamphila’s been found
To be a citizen.
Parmeno:
So they tell me.
Chaerea:
And she’s betrothed to me.
Parmeno:
How joyously 1390
I hear your news.
Gnatho [apart, to Thraso]:
Did you hear what he said?
Chaerea:
My brother, too, I’m pleased to say, will wed
Thais. Our families are united now;
Thais herself has made a solemn vow
For Father’s patronage: our custody
She now enjoys.
Parmeno:
Is Thais totally
Your brother’s, then?
Chaerea:
Of course.
Parmeno:
Another thing
To laugh about! Now somebody will fling
The captain out.
Chaerea:
And therefore you must see
My brother knows, wherever he may be. 1400
Parmeno:
I’ll check the house.
Thraso [apart, to Gnatho]:
Do you not think, Gnatho,
That am done for good?
Gnatho:
Oh yes, that’s so.
Chaerea [to himself]:
What should I mention first or notably
Commend? The man who gave advice to me
To act or me myself who had the pluck
To do the deed? Or should I praise Good Luck,
My constant guide, who crammed in just one day
So many boons? Or maybe, I should say,
My father’s patience and kind-heartedness?
O Jupiter, I pray, keep safe and bless 1410
These boons! [enter Phaedria]
Phaedria [to himself]:
The things that I’ve heard recently
From Parmeno! But where’s my brother?
Chaerea:
He
Is here.
Phaedria:
Oh, I’m so glad.
Chaerea:
I’m sure you are,
Brother. Thais is worthier by far
Than any other to be loved, for she
Is benefactress of our family.
Phaedria:
To me you praise her??
Thraso [apart]:
Ah, I am undone!
The less my hope, the more I love. The one
To rescue me, Gnatho, is only you.
I beg you, help me.
Gnatho [apart]:
What am I to do? 1420
Thraso [apart]:
By money or entreaties try to see
That I enjoy Thais in some degree.
Gnatho:
That’s tough.
Thraso [apart]:
But, Gnatho, if to anything
You set your mind, I know you: if you bring
This off, ask me for anything that you
Desire – you’ll have it.
Gnatho [apart]:
Is that true?
Thraso [apart]:
That’s true.
Gnatho:
Keep your house open, whether you’re there or not,
For me so that I always have a spot.
Thraso [apart]:
Done!
Gnatho [apart]:
I’ll get ready, then.
Phaedria:
Who’s that? Thraso!
Thraso:
Good-day to you.
Phaedria:
Perhaps you do not know 1430
What’s happened.
Thraso:
Oh, I do know.
Phaedria:
Therefore why
Are you still here?
Thraso:
So that I may rely
On your goodwill.
Phaedria:
Goodwill? I tell you now
If I find you out here, though you may vow
You’re seeking someone else who lives, maybe,
Near here, you’re done for.
Gnatho:
That’s unmannerly.
Phaedria:
So what?
Gnatho:
I didn’t know that you could show
Such arrogance.
Phaedria:
What I’ve said shall be so.
Gnatho:
But listen to my words, for they are few,
And if you’re pleased with what I say to you, 1440
Then act on them.
Phaedria:
Speak!
Gnatho:
Step this way, Thraso. [Thraso steps aside]
Now, first of all, I’d like you both to know
Explicitly that everything I do
I’m doing for myself, but if for you
It’s also advantageous, it would be
Lunacy not to do it.
Phaedria:
So tell me.
Gnatho:
Take in the captain – that’s what I suggest,
Though he’s your rival.
Phaedria:
Take him in??
Gnatho:
Digest
The thought a little. Here with her you live
At little cost, but you’ve not much to give, 1450
And she’s high-maintenance, but he’ll confer
Gifts to your love which you can’t offer her.
There’s no-one fitter for all this but he,
A man of means who gives most lavishly.
He’s dim, slow, stupid, snores all day and night,
And you may have no fear your mistress might
Be smitten with the man, and therefore you
May oust him when you will.
Chaerea [to Phaedria]:
What shall we do?
Gnatho:
I’ve thought of something else – additionally,
Nobody entertains more splendidly 1460
Than him.
Phaedria:
It would be most astonishing
If we can’t use him, too.
Chaerea:
The very thing
I thought myself.
Gnatho:
Quite right! There’s one thing still –
Take me in, too. That stone up that damned hill
I’ve rolled too long.
Phaedria:
We will.
Chaerea:
And gladly, too.
Gnatho:
I beg you, Phaedria, and, Chaerea, you,
Take him – after a taste of him I pass
Him on that you might show folks what an ass
He is.
Chaerea:
With pleasure.
Phaedria:
Yes, it’s only fair.
Gnatho:
Thraso, when you’re prepared, come out from there. 1470
Thraso:
What’s up?
Gnatho
They didn’t know of you, but when
I praised your deeds and character, well, then
I won them over.
Thraso:
Many thanks – well done!
It’s always been the case that everyone
Loves me.
Gnatho [to Phaedria and Chaerea]:
Did I not say to you that he
Is master of Attic propriety?
Phaedria:
Indeed he is exactly as you say.
All:
Give your applause and then be on your way.