ARISTOPHANESÕ
ÒACHARNIANSÓ
Produced
in 425
TRANSLATED
BY
G.
THEODORIDIS
©2004
http://bacchicstage.wordpress.com/
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work may be freely reproduced, stored and transmitted, electronically or
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ÑÑÑÑÐ
Dramatis Personae
DICAEOPOLIS:
A mild-mannered farmer
XANTHIAS:
A Slave to Dicaeopolis
A SECOND SLAVE TO DICAEOPOLIS
A DAUGHTER TO DI
A WIFE TO DICAEOPOLIS
EURIPIDES:
The Athenian tragedian
KIFISOPHOS:
A slave to Euripides
LAMACHUS:
A bombastic general
FOUR SLAVES TO EURIPIDES
FOUR MEM
MAYBEGOD:
A peace negotiator
TWO AMBASSADORS TO THE PERSIAN COURT
PSEUDOARTABAS:
ÒThe KingÕs EyeÓ
TWO EUNUCHS TO PSEUDOARTABAS
Ambassador to Thrace
FIVE ODOMANTIAN SOLDIERS
MEGARIAN:
A mild-mannered pauper
TWO DAUGHTERS TO THE MEGARIAN
BOETIAN:
A mild-mannered merchant
ISMENIAS:
His slave
INFORMER
NIKARHOS:
Another informer.
MISS PEACE
DERKETES:
A wealthy farmer
BEST MAN
BRIDESMAID
HERALD A
HERALD B
CHORUS:
LACRATIDIS
MARILADES
DRAKYLOS
EUFORIDES
PRINIDES
OTHER MEMBERS
TWO ARCHERS (Female)
TWO FLUTE PLAYERS Following the Boetian
CROWD AT THE PNYX
ACT ONE
Scene 1
The
stage is divided into two parts. On Stage Left is DicaeopolisÕ house.
Front door aspect. On Stage Right is a building which will serve as
first, the Pnyx, then EuripidesÕ house Ðboth front door aspect and
indoors and finally as LamachusÕ house, front only. Both houses
have a window through which the audience may witness indoor business. Next to
DicaeopolisÕ house is an altar to Dionysus. The Pnyx has benches around for the
people to sit upon and tables for the Executive Committee.
Day.
The Open Air Assembly Pnyx. Dicaeopolis is standing, all alone,
waiting. Next to him is a sack of garlic which he has brought from his
farm. He keeps moving it about to be near him, whenever he moves.
HeÕs slowly pacing up and down, shaking his head, despondency
slowly giving way to anger and, between comedic pauses, he farts, scratches his
bum and inguinal area, stares tearfully into the distance, scratches the
ground with his feet, sits down, stands up, frets with anxiety and impatience.
Dicaeopolis: Looks
into the distance again and this time, yells angrily
Buy! Buy! Buy! Sell! Sell! Sell!
Sighs several times before he speaks and
when he does so, his speech is ponderous, agonised and peppered with more
sighs.God, there are so many things that eat away at my poor little
ticker! Oh, yes! So many worries! And the pleasures? Shakes his head despondently So few
pleasures! Thinks while counting on
his fingers. First in one hand, then in the other, then back to the first
handÉ Drops his hands to his side in despair. Four, to be utterly
precise! Four! Whereas my pains! Shows his two hands ÐthatÕs what he was counting after all! The
pains IÕve suffered wereÉ bÕzillions! Heaps and heaps of them! More sighs Let me see, now. Which of
these pleasures were really worthy of the name? Oh, yes! Laughs I remember now! This was a real
delectation, this one! It gave my soul something to be really chirpy
about. That was when our leader, Cleon had to vomit back the five talents
shows the fingers on his hand again Ðcount
them Ð five talents, to the Treasury! Five talents ÐthatÕs Back to counting his fingers again. ThatÕsÉ
letÕs see, six thousand drachs to a talentÉ that makesÉ Oooooh, a lot!
Hahaha! He had ripped off our allies by promising them that he could persuade
our council to lower their taxes, so they gave him a neat little bribe of all
these drachmas. But the Knights sniffed out the job and so they made him
cough it all up again. Hahaha! What a beautiful job the Knights did on him! I
love them for that! Men and deed, worthy of
My God! Can you imagine how that froze my heart?
Back to thinking. This time itÕs a
happy thought. But then again, what a joy it was to have that crap
lyre-player, Moschus, followed by divine Dexitheus! Oh, what a delightful
voice that boy has! He came on to sing some lovely Boetian songs.
Absolute delight! Back to thinking.
Sigh of sadness again. Completely the opposite of what happened this
year! Disgusting! Damn near killed myself trying to look away when
that gruesome sight of a flute player, sneaked onto the stage to play his
martial airs. Tararam, tararam, tarararararram! Horrible, stuff, just
horribleÉ believe me, it was horrible! Looks
around him, anger swelling. But, my God! My eyes have never burned so
much as they do now at the sight of this. Not since mummy gave me my
first bath, did they burn so much! Waving
his arms about, indicating the emptiness of the place Look at this!
You wouldnÕt believe it but this is a proper, normal day for the sitting of the
Assembly. Yet, look at it! The place is deserted! Totally!
TheyÕre all at the market, gossiping as usual or running up and down the place
trying to avoid the staining rope of the cops when they try to round them
up. Even the Executive arenÕt here yet. TheyÕll come late Ð as per
always!- all in one go, preferring to push and shove each other to get to the
front row, rather than to talk about peace. Oh,
Here I am, as per always the first one here and as per
always, I sit and wait. And wait, and wait! And, what can I do with
myself? All alone, here? Groans I
groan, and groan and I yawn and I gawkÉ Stretches
his limbs and I stretch and I scratch andÉ Farts loudly, then chuckles and I fart and fart Ðpooh, stinky
garlic farts! Then I donÕt know what else to doÉ Scratches his groin so I start scratchingÉ pictures on the ground,
start tearing at my pubesÉ I ponder about lifeÉ I look far towards my fields
and I long for peace! Peace! How I long for peace! Deep sigh. I hate the cityÉ but I love the village! I love
the village! None of this, ÒI need to buy coal,Ó or ÒI need to buy
vinegarÓ or oil orÉ or anything! We know nothing of ÒbuyingÓ up there. We
supply everything ourselves Ð we gave ÒbuyingÓ the axe! Peace! Here
I am then, absolutely determined to scream and shout and swear at the speakers
if any of them want to talk about anything else but peace.
Enter the Executive Committee, a Herald, two archers and a crowd,
jostling for the front seats.
Ah! Here they are. It must be
Herald:Directing
everyone
This way! This way please! Come in through, into the consecrated area,
please! This way!
Enter
Maybegod, last of all and looking concerned.
45
Maybegod:To Dicaeopolis
Has anyone spoken yet?
Dicaeopolis
shakes his head.
Herald:
Right! Is there anyone who wishes to speak?
Maybegod:
I do!
Herald:
Who are you?
Maybegod:
I am Maybegod:
Herald:
Maybegod? You mean, you are not a mortal?
Maybegod:
No, not a mortal. I am immortal! Because Maybegod senior married Demeter and
they gave birth to Triptolemos. By him was born Keleos who wedded grandma
ÐthatÕs Faenarete- from whom emerged Lycinos and from Lycinos came I!
ThatÕs me! Immortal Maybegod! And as such, the gods have entrusted me Ðme
alone- with the peace negotiations with
Herald:
Archers! Out with this idiot!
The
archers come and grab Maybegod.
55
Maybegod:
Oh Triptolemos and Keleos, have you forsaken me?
Maybegod
is thrown out of the pnyx by the archers.
Dicaeopolis:
Unfair! Unfair! The Committee is being unfair to the Assembly by throwing
out a man who wants to negotiate peace and to rid us of our war shields!
Herald:
You, sit down and shut up!
Dicaeopolis:
I will not sit down and shut up until you start discussing peace!
Herald:
Our ambassadors from The KingÕs Court!
Dicaeopolis:
Which KingÕs Court? I hate all these wanky, peacocky feathery,
crappy ambassadors!
Herald:
Quiet!
From
Stage right enter slowly and, pompously feigning dignity, the
Persian ambassadors dressed in overdone Persian garb. Their
phalluses protrude through their many feathers.
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, Ekvatana, baby! Look at those posers!
65
Ambassador: Addressing the Executive
Committee. Angrily.
Gentlemen! You have sent us to the Great King on a salary of two drachmas
per day. That was over ten years ago, during the archonship of
Euthymenes!
Dicaeopolis:
Ah, the poor little drachmas!
Ambassador:
And we have suffered terribly. We were thoroughly bored as we strolled
under the sun umbrellas along the plains of Carystros, lying in those luxurious
coachesÉ we nearly died of it all!
Dicaeopolis:
While I was taking it easy, sleeping on crap beds at the battlements!
Ambassador:
And wherever we dined, the hosts would always force us to drink out of golden
goblets and crystal cups! All that sweet, unmixed wine!
75
Dicaeopolis:
Oh,
Ambassador:
ThatÕs because the barbarians consider real men only those who drink and eat a
great deal.
Dicaeopolis:
Whereas we, here in
80
Ambassador:
At the end of the fourth year, we arrived at the Great KingÕs Court but he had
to vacateÉ he took his army and went off looking for a dunny. And there
they all sat and shat, for eight months! Made huge mountains of
gold! Mountains and mountains of it!
Dicaeopolis:
Affluent effluence! Hahaha! Eight months, hey? Yells so that the ambassador may hear him I wonder how long it took
him to gather this hugeÉ bumhole of his, back together again?
Ambassador: Responding
to Dicaeopolis
A full moon! Then he came back home and made us eat oxen, roasted whole
in the bread oven!
Dicaeopolis:
Buuuull- shit! Who ever saw oxen roasted in bread ovens?
Ambassador: Still
with Dicaeopolis
Swear to Zeus and hope to die! Then he served us a huge birdÉ Real
huge, it was, three times the size of CleonymusÕ bum! This bird was
calledÉ trying to remember Lyre, no,
Ripper!
90
Dicaeopolis:
YouÕre the liar! YouÕre the one whoÕs ripped us off with shitful lies
like this Ðripped us off of our two drachs per day! Per every day!
Ambassador:
And now, we have come here bringing with us, Pseudoartabas, whoÕs called. ÒThe
KingÕs Spy,Ó errr, I mean, ÒEye.Ó
Dicaeopolis:
I wish the crows would rip your eye out mister Ambassador!
Herald: Yells
The KingÕs Eye! All stand for the KingÕs Eye!
Enter
ÒThe KingÕs EyeÓ Pseudoartabas with his two eunuchs. Their attire is even
more contrived than that of the AmbassadorsÕ and the manner and air of
Pseudoartabas is even more pompous and condescending. He is wearing a
frightening mask upon which is painted a huge eye, much like those one sees at
the sides of the front of old Persian ships.
Dicaeopolis:
Great Hercules! Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my God! Man what an eye! What do you
use it for, as a look out? Are you the one on the ship who shouts out
the warning, Òwar ship ahoy!Ó or are you the eye on the shipÕs nose
searching for a shit house, I mean, ship house? And what a piece of
beaten hide surrounds it!
Ambassador:
Right! Pseudoartabas, now please tell the Athenians what the Great King
has sent you to say.
100
Pseud: Makes rude gestures, swinging and
pointing first at his bum, then at his phallus
Artaman exarzan! Colo megalo, holo satra!
Ambassador: To
the people
Did you all get what he said?
Dicaeopolis:
Not me, no!
Ambassador:
He said that the Great King will be sending you all a great deal of gold Leans to Pseudo and whispers in his ear
Say the word ÒgoldÓ loudly and clearly.
Pseud:
Greeks him muchy bummy hole not get him muchy goldy.
Dicaeopolis:
Now, that was clear enough all right! Damned idiot!
Ambassador:
Yeah? What did he say?
Dicaeopolis:
What did he say? He says weÕve got overused bum holes and so we wonÕt get
any gold from the damned barbarians!
Ambassador:
No, youÕre wrong. He didnÕt say Òbums,Ó he said Òtons!Ó He means
the King is going to send us tons of gold!
109
Dicaeopolis:
Tons, my bum! YouÕre just as big a wanker as he is! Ah, forget it!
Piss off! IÕll ask the questions from now on. To Pseudoartabas Come now, youÉ KingÕs prick! Talk to me and
be clear about it or else IÕll be painting your bum Sardinian red. Now!
Is that great king of yours going to send us any gold? Pseudoartabas shakes his head SoÉ these ambassadors here are lying
to us? This time he nods. Dicaeopolis is
highly surprised. NowÉ that was a real Greek nod that one, wasnÕt it?
No doubt about itÉ Looks closely at him
and at the eunuchs These wankers are all from around here! These
eunuchsÉ Aha! I recognise one of them! That one there! HeÕs
Cleisthenes, the son of Sybirtius, that one! ButÉ Looks closer Cleisthenes didnÕt have a beardÉ Looks even closer at him until the penny drops It is you!
You, with your hot, passionate Ð and smooth-shaved bum! Did you really
think you could fool us, pretending to be a eunuch with this monkey
beard? And this one? IsnÕt he Stratos?
123
Herald:
You! Shut up and sit down! Ahem! The Assembly invites The KingÕs
Eye to the Prytaneum!
Ambassadors,
Pseudoartabas and his eunuchs leave the Pnyx. While Dicaeopolis speaks
the Executive Committee prepares the next item in the agenda.
Dicaeopolis: To
the audience
DoesnÕt this sort of stuff make you homicidal? Here I am, straining to
survive from one day to the next while the doors to the dining halls are
never shut for these crooks! Thinks for a
moment Right! ThatÕs it! I thought me a great and mighty thought! Now
whereÕs my little Maybegod?
Maybegod
pokes his head from behind a wall.
Maybegod:
Here I am! Right here!
130
Dicaeopolis:
Here, Maybegod. Searches in every
pocket and fold of his cloak and tunic and gathers up some coins. Counts
them and hands them to Maybegod Take these eight drachmas of mine and go
and make peace with the Spartans for me, my children and my nearest and
dearest! To the Executive Committee
And you, gentlemen, you can go on with your ambassadorising and with your
looking like idiotic dorks!
Maybegod
chuckles with sly joy and runs off.
Herald:
Let Theorus, ambassador from the court of Sitalces, King of Thrace,
approach!
Enter
Theorus, dressed in equally exaggerated Thracian clothes.
Dicaeopolis: To
the audience
Here we go again! Another costume, another wanker!
Theorus:
We would have not stayed in
Dicaeopolis:
Éif your salary wasnÕt so great!
Theorus:
If the whole of
Dicaeopolis: To
the audience
ThatÕs the time when Theognis, old Òswowy,Ó I told you about, produced
his tragedy. Sure brings on the winter with his tragedies, that boy!
Brrrr!
141
Theorus:
I was drinking with Sitalces during all that time. He loves the Athenians
so much! He adores them, you know! He lusts after them! So much so that
he had covered all his walls with graffiti, saying, ÒAthenians are
beautiful!Ó And his son, the one we made an Athenian citizen, he was
eager to come to
151
Dicaeopolis: To the audience
IÕd be buggered if I believe any of thisÉ except the locusts bit!
Theorus: Indicating
behind the curtain
So he has sent you these here soldiers. They are from one of the most
genuine war-loving tribes in
Dicaeopolis: To
the audience
Now this will be good! WeÕll get to see the real colour of their money!
Herald:
Ahem! The Thracians whom Theorus has brought Ð please approach!
A
motley band of soldiers, ill equipped, ill dressed, looking as if theyÕre
starved and not at all Òwar lovingÓ are ushered in. Their phalluses look
Òstrange.Ó
Dicaeopolis: Laughs
heartily as he mocks them
What is this ugly lot of Dickyskins? In factÉ He approaches them for closer scrutiny talking about DickysÉ
Theorus:
You are looking at the Odomantian Army, sir!
Dicaeopolis:
Odomantian what?
Pointing at their
phalluses
And
who snipped off the figskins from their Odomantian pricks?
Theorus: Like an
insulted salesman
These here soldiers Ðif you give them a mere two drachs a day theyÕll have the
whole of Boetia conquered!
Some
soldiers have discovered DicaeopolisÕ sack of garlic and theyÕre furtively
eating it.
161
Dicaeopolis:
Two drachs for these halfcocks? Oh, God! What tears would flow from the
eyes of those true soldiers, those rowers who fought the really great battles,
our city savers, if the heard of this outrage. Two drachs a day Ðfor
snipped Dickys!É Sees the soldiers
tearing hungrily at his garlic Oi! Shit! Stop that you rotten buggers!
Leave my garlic alone! Grabs a spring
garlic from the teeth of one of the soldiers Give it back!
Theorus:
Oh no! Oh, no! Poor fool. DonÕt go near them, now, you idiot! Once they
get a bit of garlic into them they get so horny they turn into fighting cocks!
Dicaeopolis: At
the Exec. Committee. Fuming with anger
Are you lot going to sit there and watch as a bunch of barbarians do this to
me, in my own country? No response
from the Committee Right! Then I insist that no discussion should take
place about the salary of theseÉ ThraciansÉ The Assembly should be dismissed
Ðright now! Zeus has spoken. He has sent us a signal. I have felt a drop
of rain on my head!
Herald:
Right! The Assembly is dismissed! The Thracians may come back the
day after tomorrow.
All
stand up and leave, while Dicaeopolis is fighting with one of the
starving Thracians over his garlic.
Scene 2
The
Pnyx is cleared Of people, benches and tables and turned into the front of
EuripidesÕ house, perhaps while the following is going on.Outside
DicaeopolisÕ house. Dicaeopolis is examining the strings of garlic
hanging from the eves of his house. He is shaking his head at the small
number remaining.
174
Dicaeopolis:
Damned thieves! Odomantian soldiers! Thieves, damned thieves the lot of
them! Halfcocks and thieves! TheyÕve eaten all my garlic! IÕve
hardly got any left. Sees Maybegod
approaching, out of breath Maybegod! YouÕre back from
Maybegod:
Quick, Dicaeopolis, IÕve got to run! The Acharnians are chasing me.
Dicaeopolis:
Why, whatÕs up?
Maybegod:
I was on my way here, bringing you the peace treaties IÕve signed for you with
Sparta, and I was running as fast as I could but then, somehow, some old
Acharnians, tough bits of stick the lot of them, hearts of oak, twisted old
soldiers from the days of Marathon, tough as maple and steel and rock,
sniffed me out and they all came after me, yelling at me, Òyou, most
god-cursed creature. YouÕre bringing peace treaties from
186
Dicaeopolis:
Never mind their shouting. Have you brought me the treaties?
Maybegod:
Of course! Brings out of his cloak three
small wine bottles I brought you three types to try. Hands him one Here! This one here
is a five-year one. Taste it!
Dicaeopolis: Takes
the top off and takes a sniff
Yuk! Poh!
Maybegod:
WhatÕs wrong?
Dicaeopolis:
ItÕs awful! Stinks of tar and ship building!
191
Maybegod: Hands him another bottle
All right, taste this one, then. ItÕs a ten-year treaty. What do
you think?
Dicaeopolis: Smells
this one also and is still unsatisfied
Naaaah! Very sour! It really smells strongly of delegates going around the
cities urging their allies to get a move on with the war preparation.
Maybegod: Anxious
that the Acharnians might appear any second, hands him a third bottle
Well, this one is a thirty-year treaty. Both, for sea and land. Quick, have a
taste!
Dicaeopolis: Smells
it and finds it most agreeable.
Mmmmm! What a delicious, scrumptious aroma. Smells again Ah, yes! This is the scent of Dionysiac festivals, of
nectar and ofÉ takes another whiff
let me see, subtle but assertive traces ofÉ of ambrosia! This truce here
does not utter words like, Òtake three daysÕ provisions and head to the
front!Ó No thisÉ Takes yet another
whiff, then puts his ear to the mouth of the bottle This says, Òyou may go
wherever you wish!Ó Mmmmm! Yes! IÕll take this one and pour libations and
drink it to the very last drop and wish the Acharnians all the joy in the
world.
Loud shouting of the approaching
Acharnians.
And I, now that IÕve excluded myself from the war, I shall go to my fields to
celebrate the Dionysiac festival.
Maybegod: Aware
of the noises
And I shall rush off before the Acharnians get me!
Exit
Maybegod, stage Left and Dicaeopolis goes into his house. A moment later
the chorus rushes in, Stage Right. They are the Acharnians who are
pursuing Maybegod. Very old, out of breath, in pursuit of Maybegod.
They are running all around the stage looking for him.
204
Lacratides: Out of breath
Ask every one, everywhere! Ask all the people ask them about this
traitor. Come on, this way. The city needs to capture him. Tell me
if you see this evil truce bearer anywhere. Overtaken
by despondency. Ach! He has run off! Escaped! WeÕve lost him! God, I
am so old! I hate my old age! HeÕs
being overwhelmed by nostalgia. There was a time whenÉ when I could run so
fast Ðeven with a sack of coals on my back, I could and did outrun real
athletes. Kept up with Phaylos once. Pythian champion! This traitor
here wouldnÕt have a hope in Hades back in the old days. I donÕt care how
fast he can run! He wouldnÕt be escaping me so lightly back then. But
now!
Marilades:
But now, now, poor old Lacratides! YouÕve lost your limbs, and your
legs are getting heavier and heavier by the day and the traitor has escaped us!
Lacratidis:
No! LetÕs go after him, Acharnians. No one should be able to
boast that theyÕve escaped us! Us, Acharnians, even at our age.
225
Drakylos:
Despairing Zeus, almighty! Who would
dare sign treaties with the enemy now? We need the war to continue
so as to avenge our ruined farms!
Prinides:
And I wonÕt stop fighting until I plunge Ðfull vengeance!- like a sharp, painful
rod deep into their flesh. That should stop them from setting foot upon
our vineyards again!
Lacratides:
I shall seek this man out from place to place even if I have to go all the way
to Palene, and when I find him I shall enjoy stoning the traitor Ðto death!
Dicaeopolis: Shouts
from within his house
Quiet! Quiet please, all! Reverence from all of you, please!
Reverence!
238
Lacratides:
Sushhh Quiet a minute! Listen friendsÉ Did you hear that? They all prick their ears HeÕs after reverence! Listen!
Prinides:
ThatÕs the very man weÕre after! LetÕs get out of the way and hide. I
think heÕs about to come out for a sacrifice.
Dicaeopolis
comes out of his house, followed by his daughter and two slaves. HeÕs
carrying a pot, his daughter a basket and one of the slaves, Xanthias, a
standard, which is a huge phallus and which he is holding it rather
carelessly, irreverently. DicaeopolisÕ wife is inside the house,
standing by the window, watching them.
Dicaeopolis:
Reverence, reverence all! Basket bearer at the front!
Xanthias! Hold that cock straight! Put the basket down here, please
daughter, so that we can begin the sacrifice.
They
walk to the altar of Dionysus upon which the daughter puts the basket.
245
Daughter:
Mum, bring me the ladle so that I can spread the sacred potion on the bread.
Mother
obeys daughter, who, solemnly pours the potion onto the bread.
Dicaeopolis observes and when sheÕs done he takes up a reverential attitude
and, with a supervisory glance all around him, demands attention from
all.
Dicaeopolis:
Right! Xanthias takes this as a cue to
stand straight again and to make sure that the phallus heÕs holding stands
equally as respectfully. The second slave also adjusts his posture WeÕre
all ready! Oh, Great Lord, Dionysos! IÕm sending you this offering as thanks
for allowing me, along with my own folks, to celebrate the Rural Dionysia and
for releasing us from the burdens of war. Through our offerings I ask
you, Lord, to let our Thirty-year Peace Treaty be joyous to us all. To his daughter Now, sweetie, mind how
you carry the basket around. Daughter
picks up the basket Hmmm! Darling, you are so beautiful that youÕve
got to make yourself look ugly. Pretend youÕve just eaten something sour
and make an ugly face. Daughter tries.
ThatÕs it! She walks ahead a
little and Dicaeopolis talks sarcastically behind her back, as if she canÕt
hear him Oh, yes! Oh, how happy the man whoÕll marry you will
be, my darling! Oh yes! And, no doubt the two of you will produce a
couple of little weasels, just like you: morning farts instead of morning
fucksÉ lazing about all day! Hehehe! Louder
now, addressing her And watch out that no one in the crowd ItÕs only the four of them but he looks
suspiciously at the two slaves pinches your little jewels. To Xanthias Xanthias! You and I
will walk behind her bearing the sacred phallus. Chides him Erectly! Xanthias
adjusts I shall now sing the phallic song. You, wife, watch from the
house. Intones religiously as they start
walking around the altar.
Oh, Phallus, loving boy of Dionysos, orgy lover, night
wanderer, seducer of all, pederast! I greet you again, after six
long years! I have returned to our village with my heart full of joy
because I made a truce with the Spartans, and got myself rid of the bothersome
business of war and of all the Lamachuses, war-mongering generals, one and
all! Oh, Phallus, Phallus! Stops singing as he falls deep into a
fantasy What joy, Phallus, oh Phallus, my Phallus! What a joy it would give me
Ð oh what a joy, if somehow you grant it that, one fine day, I find
StrymodorusÕ slave, Thraca Ð oh, that girl who right now is at the peak of her
beauty!- what joy it would give me, if I, accidentally on purpose,
walking around Mount Phelleus, I find her stealing wood and I catch her from
behind, grab her tightly under her arms, throw her to the ground, play with her
andÉ take the pip right out of her cherry! The other participants are
surprised by the lewdness of his ecstasy and Slave 2 taps him on the shoulder.
Dicaeopolis snaps out of it and sighs. Then he regains his composure and
continues the prayer. Oh, Phallus, Phallus, my dear Phallus! Come drink
with us now and revel with us and, in the morning youÕll drink a cup of my
peace wine and I shall hang my shield over the smoking hearth.
Suddenly
the Acharnians jump out in front of them yelling and throwing
stones at them.
280
Lacratidis:
ThatÕs him! ThatÕs the man! Stone him, stone him! Hit the despicable man,
hit him! Come on, men, stone him!
DicaeopolisÕ
people drop everything Ðbasket, pot and phallus- and flee into the house,
slamming firm the door behind them.
Dicaeopolis:
From the window Great Hercules! WhatÕs this? Watch out,
youÕll smash my pot!
Marilades:
WeÕre aiming at your head, you disgraceful droplet of snot!
Dicaeopolis:
But why, dear, elderly Acharnians?
Drakylos:
You dare ask why? You slimy, disgusting, traitor! You dare look us in the
face after you went and signed up a treaty with our enemy, all on your
own?
Dicaeopolis:
Ohhhh, the Peace treaty! Well, you obviously donÕt know why I did
that. Listen and let me explain to you why I did that.
Euforides:
Listen to you? Listen to a dead man? WeÕll burry you with our stones in a
minute!
295
Dicaeopolis:
Not before you listen to me, you wonÕt! Please, dear friends, stop and
listen to me!
Lacratidis:
Forget it! I wonÕt let you spin us a story. I hate you more than leather
beater leader of ours, Cleon, whose hide IÕm going to turn into sandals for our
brave, young Knights, one day. As for you, long speeches wonÕt save you. Not
after your treaties with the Spartans!
305
Dicaeopolis:
Dear friends! Forget the Spartans for a minute and letÕs talk about
Peace. And then youÕll see if I havenÕt done a good deed by getting this
treaty.
Marilades:
Good deed? Good deed? How could it be a good deed? YouÕve
signed a truce with a people whose word is not bound by either altar or
faith! TheyÕre infidels! No religion to put fear into them. Or
Honour to their word. How could that be a good deed?
Dicaeopolis:
Because, men, we blame the Spartans too much! I know for certain that the
Spartans are not the sole cause of all our problems.
311
Drakylos:
Is that right, you sly creep? They are not the cause of our
problems? You dare say this to us so blatantly and expect us to spare
you?
Dicaeopolis:
Not of all our problems, not all! In fact while IÕm at it, I can prove to you
that they are also the victims of many of our own doings!
Euforides:
Fuming with anger Ooooh! You dare defend our enemies like that! This is
so awful! So terrible! Puts his hand to his heart Ohhhh! My heart is
boiling!
Dicaeopolis:
If IÕm not telling the truth and I canÕt convince the people, Indicating the
audience IÕll put my head on the chopping block!
Lacratidis:
LetÕs hurl our stones at this traitor, neighbours and beat him till heÕs as red
as our necks!
321
Dicaeopolis:
What black anger is burning your heart, Acharnians! Will you not listen
to me? Will you really not listen to me?
Marilades:
Absolutely not!
Dicaeopolis:
Oh well, then, it looks like IÕve had it!
Drakylos:
Kill me if I ever listen to you!
Dicaeopolis:
No, Acharnians, I beg you!
Euforides:
YouÕre already dead, boy! YouÕre gone, now! More stones thrown at them
Dicaeopolis:
Right! ThatÕs it! Now IÕm going to show you! My blood for yours! I have here as
hostage the dearest of your friends! He disappears into the house.
Lacratidis:
What does this threat mean, neighbours? Does he have one of our children
inside? Is that whatÕs giving him this courage?
Dicaeopolis
comes back to the window. HeÕs holding a pannier full of charcoal in one
hand and a threatening dagger in the other. HeÕs black all over from the
coal dust. The Acharnians are horror-struck by this.
331
Dicaeopolis:
All right then. Cast your stones at me if you wish. But
youÕll never see this baby again! Now weÕll see if any you love your
coals as much as you all say you do! Come on, letÕs see! How much
do you love your coals?
Lacratidis:
To his friends On, no! WeÕre stuffed! WeÕve had it now, men!
Examines more closely the pannier and recognises it And that
pannier! I recognise it. ItÕs from my village. Shouts at
Dicaeopolis No, donÕt! DonÕt do it! No! Your thinking is all
wrong! Nonononononono!
Dicaeopolis:
Feigns a murderous disposition I will! IÕll kill this baby and you can
scream all you like! I wonÕt listen to your crap any longer!
336
Marilades:
No, please! This dear little basket is as old as we are. We grew up
togetherÉ and weÕre from the same villageÉ and weÕre both coal lovers.
DonÕt kill it!
Dicaeopolis:
You wouldnÕt listen to me before, would you? Well now Ð
Drakylos:
No, no! Speak, if you want. Tell us whatever you likeÉ that you love the
SpartansÉ IÕll let you say anythingÉ I wonÕt forsake my little coal
basket!
Dicaeopolis:
First chuck away your stones!
The
Acharnians do so.
Acharnians together:
There! Now put your dagger down!
Dicaeopolis:
Oh yeah? Check your cloaks please and see that there are no stones hiding
in there!
The
Acharnians all shake their cloaks to give proof that there are no
stones Òhiding.Ó One last stone is heard dropping noisily.
Lacratidis:
See? TheyÕre all on the ground. See?
Prinides:
All shaken out. Stop stuffing around. At the count of three, put your
dagger down. All together OneÉ twoÉ and three!
Dicaeopolis
drops his dagger and comes out of the house.
347
Dicaeopolis:
Right! Well done! YouÕve just managed to save the lives of some adorable
little Parnethian coals, here. Imagine the howling youÕd be making if IÕd kill
them! And if something did happen to them it would be the fault of their
own neighbours. Shakes the black dust from his body Poor little basket.
It got so frightened it spat out ink, like a do. God, youÕve got such
awful manners, you Acharnians! All that shouting and stone throwing! So vulgar.
You wonÕt listen to me even when I offer to put my head on the block for my
good arguments. I do love my life, you know!
Lacratidis:
Still angry Well, come on then! Bring out your block and start
talking, you piece of chucked out scum.
Marilades:
LetÕs hear those great arguments of yours. I want to know what you
think there is to say.
Drakylos:
You chose the means of judgement so, go get your block!
Dicaeopolis goes into the house and comes out again with the chopping block
which he puts down.
365
Dicaeopolis:
Here we are. One block to act as court. Takes up posture as if to make a speech Ahem! I am a bad speaker, I
know but I just must speak. I shall speak plainly and freely. IÕm
not one to hide behind my shield, like some cowardly generals. IÕll tell
you of my views on the Spartans. Looks
about him with some trepidation But IÕm still very afraid though.
Because I know for certain what peasants are like. They love it when some
damned sycophant comes along and flatters them and their city-rightly or
wrongly. The peasants just do not see that these mongrels are
traitors who are in it for the money and for nothing moreÉ As for the rest of
the men, I know their souls. I know exactly what theyÕll do:
TheyÕll just bite my head off with their voting! ThatÕs what they did to
poor Aristophanes last year when, in his play, he had a few words to say about
Cleon. Well, Cleon immediately rushed him off to the Council and there
spat out a whole tongue-torrent of spinning abuses and lies and crap about him
that the poor man nearly drowned in all the injustice. So, in view of
this, let me dress in the clothes which would draw the most pity from you. I
need to look like a real pauper, a real beggar.
385
Lacratidis:
Why all these twists and turns and tricky delays? For all we care you can
get yourself disguised as The Invisible Man, if you like! Go down to Hades, get
HieronymousÕ ugly, hairy helmet and cover your ugly face with it, or go
and get one of SisyphousÕ many tricks but this debate is not going to wait any
longer!
The
Acharnians recede to the background while the next scene unfolds.
Dicaeopolis: To
the audience
This is where I must show what stuff my soul is made off! I knowÉ I shall
go over to Euripides. Walks over to
EuripidesÕ house and knocks on the door. Hellooooo! Hey boy, are you
there? Slave? Where are you?
Kifisophos:Through
a half-opened door
Yes? Who is it?
Dicaeopolis:
Ah, Kifisophos! Is your master, Euripides home?
Kifisophos: Ponderously,
pseudophilosophically, condescendingly
He is and he isnÕtÉ Work that out if you got the brains!
Dicaeopolis: Tries
to work it out
He is and he isnÕt. How can that be?
Kifisophos: Exasperated
at DicaeopolisÕ lack of intelligence
Just as I said, old man! In and outÉ sees
that Dicaeopolis is lost Look! His mind is wandering around looking
for verses, so thatÕs not in; but his body is there, lying down, constructing a
play.
400
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, dear Euripides, how fortunate you are to have such a witty slave who can
answer the door with such oh-so-clever remarks. Call him for me, please,
Kifisophos!
Kifisophos:
ThatÕs impossible! Slams the door in
DicaeopolisÕ face
Dicaeopolis:
Impossible or not, IÕm not leaving, even if I have to smash the door
down. Shouts Hey Euripides! No answer Euripides! No answer again Hey Eury, boy! Can you hear me? Come on,
Eury, youÕve let me in before so let me in again, now! Euryyyyyyy!
ItÕs me, Dicaeopolis Chollidis, your friend!
Euripides: From
within
IÕve got no time to waste.
Dicaeopolis:
So, donÕt waste any time! Make it fast and roll down here!
Euripides: From
within
Impossible!
Dicaeopolis:
No itÕs not!
Euripides: From
within
All right. IÕll roll down but IÕve got no time to waste!
Sounds
of someone rolling down the stairs.
Scene 3
Continuing
from previous scene. TheyÕve just entered EuripidesÕ house.
Euripides climbs back onto his bed, which is somehow raised precariously
well above ground level. At his bedside comes and sits his slave,
Kifisophos. On the wall and elsewhere hang various old rags and bits and
pieces of theatrical costumes and other props. Both, Euripides and
Kifisophos are wearing ragged clothes. From the scrolls and quills
strewn about the bed itÕs obvious Euripides had been writing.
410
Dicaeopolis:
HeÕs astonished to see the state of EuripidesÕ habitat Dear Lord!
Euripides!
Euripides: Makes
himself comfortable in his bed
Yeah, whatÕs with you?
Dicaeopolis:
WellÉ you sit yourself up there, in midair like a bird in a straw nest to do
your writing! WhyÉ why on earth canÕt you do it down here? On solid
ground? No wonder all your characters are lameÉ and look at your clothes!
Rags! No wonder your characters are also paupers and beggarsÉ Remembers why
heÕs there and kneels down and begs Ah, yes, beggars! Euripides, I beg
you! On my knee caps. Lend me some rags from some old tragedy of
yours so that I can make a long speech to the chorus ÐtheyÕll kill me if I
donÕt say it well.
Euripides:
Which rags do you want? The ones I used for Oeneus, that poor,
unfortunate hero?
420
Dicaeopolis:
No, not Oeneus Ðsomeone worse off.
Euripides:
Blind
Dicaeopolis:
Thinks a moment No, not
Euripides: To
Kifisophos, angrily
What rags does the man want? Back
to Dicaeopolis Do you mean those of poor Philoktetes?
Dicaeopolis:
No, no, even poorer than him!
Euripides:
Ohhh! I know! YouÕre after the filthy rags of Bellerophon? That
poor lame creature?
Dicaeopolis:
NoÉ HeÕs trying to think of the name of the character heÕs got in mind.
NoÉ the one IÕm thinking of is not only a beggar and lame but also a brilliant
oratorÉ
Euripides:
Ah! Now I know who youÕre thinking of! ItÕs Telephos, the Mysian,
right?
Dicaeopolis:
ThatÕs it! Telephos! The Mysian!
Euripides: To
Kifisophos
Boy, give him TelephosÕ rags.
Kifisophos gets up and looks for them.
TheyÕre there, on top of ThyestisÕ rags, amongst those of Inos.
Kifisophos: Hands
them to Dicaeopolis
Here you are.
Dicaeopolis:
Takes the costume and examines it. Show is to the public. ItÕs a
true bundle of tatters. He puts his fingers through all the holes and
brings the rags close to his face, which the audience can see through the
holes. Oh, holy Zeus! Zeus, whose eye sees through all things
struggles to put on the clothes. His phallus is in the way and sticks out
from under the tunicÉ and indicating his phallus sees below all
things! Oh, Zeus, please dress me up like the most wretched mortalÉ Sees
a cap on the wall Euripides, since you were kind enough to lend me these
rags, could you also lend me something which will really match them? That
little cap there, which Telephos wore on his head. I need to be a real
pauper today. ÒTo be, but not to look like what I be!Ó as your Telephos put it.
Indicating the audience That lot should know who IÕll be but the
chorus out there is like one of yours, too stupid to work it out and theyÕll be
just standing there, gaping at my subtle verbiage and loquacity. Chuckles
wickedly What games, IÕll be able to play with them! To the
audience You lot know IÕm Aristophanes, donÕt you? The
author? Of this play?
445
Euripides:
To Kifisophos Give him the cap. YouÕve got a dense and subtle little engine in
that pointy head of yours, havenÕt you?
Kifisophos
nods with a chuckle. HeÕs beginning to enjoy this banter between
Dicaeopolis and Euripides. From now on he behaves like an over-energetic puppy
waiting for Dicaeopolis to give him the next command.
Dicaeopolis:
Takes the cap Bless you, friend and to hell with Telephos! Oh, I
can feel my brain flooding with all these subtle little phrases of yours. Looks
about him But I think I also need a walking stick.
Euripides: Nods
to Kifisophos who goes and brings a walking stick to Dicaeopolis
Take it. Now go! Enough! Get out of my marble abode!
Dicaeopolis:
Feigns hurt soul Ooooh! Addressing his soul Poor soul! See how heÕs
chucking you out even though youÕre still in need of so many items? No, I need
to be a bit gluey here. One of those really oily beggars. Back to
Euripides Euripides, please give me that little cane lamp holder as wellÉ
please! You donÕt need it. Look, itÕs all smoky and burnt.
Euripides:
What on earth do you want to do with that cane lamp holder?
Dicaeopolis:
Do with it? Nothing really. I just need it, thatÕs all!
Euripides:
Getting impatient You know? YouÕre being a real bum-ache now. Come
on, get out! Out of my house!
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, all right, all right and may the gods grand you your motherÕs fate.
Impishly confiding to the audience Selling cabbages, hihihihihihi!
Euripides: Furious
Piss off!
Dicaeopolis:
All right, all right! Goes towards the exit but remembers What
about a little cupÉ one of those with chipped lips?
460
Euripides: Nods to Kifisophos who finds
it and hands it to Dicaeopolis
Take the damned thing and go! You irritating little man! Now get
out! Out!
Dicaeopolis:
Takes the cup and examines it. Then remembers. Oh, no! How this
hurts! Euripides, you donÕt know how this hurtsÉ Darling, dearest Euripides,
friend! One more little, tiny thingÉ a little pottyÉ you know one of those with
a hole broken in them andÉ a sponge in the hole to keep it from drippingÉ
Euripides:
Man! YouÕre ripping the heart right out of my tragedy!
Kifisophos has the potty ready even
before Euripides tells him. He hands it to Dicaeopolis, smiling sympathetically.
Now, take the potty and shove off!
465
Dicaeopolis: Examines the
potty
Right. Now, IÕm going! Hesitates ButÉ Euripides what can I
do? I need something else desperately! IÕm dead without it! Sweet,
sweet, EuripidesÉ one more little thing. Just one more. Just give
me some of those cabbage leaves your mother throws out. I need to put
them in this cane lamp holder.
Euripides:
Grrr! This is really knocking me about this! Kifisophos has moved
enthusiastically again and produced the leaves There! Take
them! There go all my dramatic props!
Dicaeopolis:
Examines the leaves and puts them in the lamp holder Right!
DonÕt worry dear Euripides. Now IÕm really going! Moves towards the
exit but once again he remembers Oh, no! I forgot again! Darling
EuripidesÉ I know IÕm a pain, Òa pain great enough to rouse the ire of
kings,Ó as your Telephos would say, hey? But I forgot the most
important thing, Euripides. Sweet, sweet, Euripides. You know how I love
you donÕt you? Sooooo much! Kill me if I ask you for anything else exceptÉ
except one more thingÉ some of those dried up parsley leaves your mother throws
out-
Euripides: Interrupts
him infuriated
The man is making fun of me! To
Kifisophos Throw him out and bolt the doors!
Kifisophos
is sadly obedient.
Scene 4
In
front of DicaeopolisÕ house. The chopping block is still there. The
chorus is slowly moving in on him.
480
Dicaeopolis:
To himself Oh, my poor soul! Poor, poor soul! YouÕve got to do the whole
thing without the parsley now! Poor soul! Have you any idea what contest
youÕre going to contest? YouÕre about to make a speech in favour of the
Spartans! After a few moments, he sighs and lifts his chin up. All right
then. Head erect, my soul and forward march! ThatÕs it! Moves
to make a speech but sees the chopping block and recoils WhatÕs up?
WhatÕs stopping you, Dicaeopolis? You shouldnÕt have any worries, not
while youÕre full of Euripides. How could you go wrong? Courage, my soul! Go
ahead! Put your brave head on the block and say whatÕs in it! Oh, what a
brave heart, youÕve got, Dicaeopolis! Puts his phallus on the block
490
Lacratidis:
SoÉ what are you doing? What are you going to say? You know youÕve got to
be real brave, here donÕt you? A real iron man. YouÕve put your one and
only Dicky on the chopper, and youÕre about to speak against all of us! Turns
to his colleagues with surprise The thing doesnÕt bother him at all, men! Back
to Dicaeopolis All right then, speak, if you want!
During
DicaeopolisÕ speech the Acharnians move, one by one as they are being persuaded
by the argument, into two camps.
496
Dicaeopolis:
Well, here I am, a pauper and a writer Ðof comedies, no less! And I am about to
speak to you, my dear audience of matters that are important to our city.
You all think this is a dreadful thing to do, I know. Well, donÕt!
Comedians know justice and IÕm a comedian, so IÕll speak about justice, no
matter how hard it sounds to your ears. The things I will say will be hard but
fair. Right. LetÕs see now. Ah yes! Firstly, I can see that
thereÕs isnÕt a foreigner amongst you, not one, so our leader, Cleon spits at
the sound of his name he wonÕt be able to accuse me Ðas he did last year-
that IÕm bagging you in front of foreigners. We are here, all on our own,
celebrating our own Lenaia festival, no foreigners of any sort, tax
payers or allies. No one! What we have here is thoroughly winnowed
wheat. ThatÕs us. No chaff ÐthatÕs the foreigners, chaff!
Chuckles I call them Òthe chaff of the cityÓ Resumes his serious posture.
Folks, I really hate the Spartans. I really do, and I hope that Poseidon,
their own God, sends them a damned huge earthquake and sinks all their houses,
because the scum have torn down my own vines, as well. But then, speaking to my
friends here, can we really blame the Spartans for this? Because some of
our own men, some Athenians ÐI donÕt mean the city
Well, so far, we might call this a petty crime, the sort that we do ourselvesÉ
Frequently! But then these drunken fools, they went to
SingsÒWe shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the land, we
shall fight them in the market, no Megarian any where!Ó
ThatÕs why, the Megarians after a while were becoming desperately hungry
Ðstarving, in fact. So what could they do? They began begging the
Spartans to reverse that whore-begotten law! They had asked us,
Athenians, many times but we had refused. And here begins the clamour of
the clashing shields. One may say that there was no need for that
but then one might also ask, well then, what was it we needed to do? If
for example someone discovered that the Spartans sailed over say to one of our
tiny islands, Seriphos, for example and smuggled out of there some little
puppy, what would you do, stay at home? Of course you wouldnÕt! YouÕd be
out there, launching three hundred ships, immediately, and the city would be
drowned under the noise of soldiers choosing their captain and distributing
their pay, and youÕd be seeing the hustle and bustle as all of the figure heads
of Athena were being regilded and the Pireas market would be buzzing with
crowds distributing wheat at one stall, men buying wine skins and oar straps
and wine brimming jars, at another stall and garlic and oil and
sacks of onions at yet another stall and wreaths and anchovies andÉ thereÕd be
flute girls andÉ black eyes. And at the docks people would be making
oars, banging nails, tying oar straps and oars to the oar holes. And
youÕd hear flutes, whistles, whistling commands to the oar hands at the oar
holesÉ I know for a fact that thatÕs what youÕd be doing! Indicating his
costume And do we not know that Telephus himself would also be acting
thus? If we donÕt then we donÕt have a brain between us. And thus I
conclude my speech!
By
now the Acharnians are split into two sides.
557
Lacratidis:
Sees the split in the ranks and gets very angry Is that right, you
screwed up piece of disgrace? You Ð you, a mere beggar dare talk to us
like this? So whatÕs the harm if one of us happens to be an informer,
hey? WhatÕs with all this agony?
Marilades:
By Zeus! I think that every word Dicaeopolis said was the truth.
Not a single lie amongst them!
Lacratidis:
Charging towards Dicaeopolis, intending to beat him up Truth or not,
there was no need to mention all this stuff. This boldness of his wonÕt make
him a happier man, IÕll tell you that much!
Marilades:
Trying to stop Lacratidis Hey, hold it! Hold it! What are you getting
angry for? Stop! Stop! Hey listen! Lacratidis stops and looks threateningly
back at Marilades who suddenly becomes frightened. If you try and hit
this manÉ heÕllÉ heÕll hurt you more.
Other
members of the chorus come and grab Lacratidis noisily from the waist.
565
Lacratidis:
O Lamachus! You, whose eyes are like lightning! Wearer of the terrifying
helmet! Friend and relative! Come and help me! To the audience And you,
captains and generals and attackers of walls, come quickly! Hurry,
theyÕve got me by the waist!
Noisy,
bombastic, martial fanfare introduces Lamachus, who is fully armed, with sword
and shield at the ready. He is wearing a helmet with a ludicrous
abundance of plumes and feathers. A huge bright and frightening gorgon is
painted on his shield.
572
Lamachus:
Who shouted the war cry? Who needs my help? What clamour must I join? Who
stirred the Gorgon on my shield?
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, Sarcastically Here he is! Lamachus! HeroÉ of the feathered crests and
armies!
Lacratidis: Indicating
Dicaeopolis
This man has been saying nasty things about our city for hours now!
Lamachus: To
Dicaeopolis
You? A beggar? You dare speak against
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, Lamachus, forgive me! I know IÕm a beggar and I know I said a little
too much!
Lamachus:
What did you say about
Dicaeopolis:
Feigns nausea IÉ I donÕt know. IÉ I beg you, military doodahs make me
nauseousÉ Indicating the shield can you put that beastie gorgon of yours
away?
Lamachus:
Moves shield away from him. There!
Dicaeopolis:
No, put it down. Upside down. On its backÉ
Lamachus: Does
so
There!
Dicaeopolis:
ThatÕs it. Make it look like a wash basin. Now give me that feather from
your helmet!
585
Lamachus: Does so
Here, take it!
Dicaeopolis:He
tickles his face with it
Yiiiik! Now hold on to my head so I can vomit. These plumes
make me so sick!
Lamachus: Tries
to snatch the feather away from him
Oi! What do you think youÕre doing? Using my feathers to vomit
with? ItÕs a feather, not a tickler!
Dicaeopolis:
A feather, not a tickler. Well then tell me what poor birdÕs bum was the
whole plume plucked out of? A peacockÕs bum? A lyre birdÕs bum? A
wankerÕs bum?
590
Lamachus: Fuming with anger
Right! YouÕre a dead birdÕs bum!
Dicaeopolis:
No, no, Lamachus! ThatÕs not your forte! Your forte is to decapitate pricks.
He brandishes his phallus
Here! Come on, do mineÉ if youÕre so strong! YouÕve got all the
tools you need! Sword, spear, shield, feathersÉ
Lamachus:
You! YouÉ dare talk to a general like this? You? A mere
beggar?
Dicaeopolis:
Me? A mere beggar?
Lamachus:
Of course you are. What else?
595
Dicaeopolis:
What else? What else? IÕm a useful citizen, thatÕs what else! Not
some Chief Dick in the GovernmentÉ And during war time IÕm a simple Private
Dick, whereas you! As soon as the war starts you rush off and become a
Fully Paid Dick!
Lamachus: Indignant
I was hand picked!
Dicaeopolis:
Sure you were. By three cuckoo birds! ThatÕs exactly why IÕve made
my own peace treaties! It made me sick watching old men go off to
the front line while you, you, young pricklets run away from it.
Some of you go off to
Geres-bloody-godsgift-prickus and Pede-bloody-rastus and those at Kamarine and
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Lamachus:
Proudly Every one of them hand picked!
Dicaeopolis:
So why is it then that you lot, somehow always get paid whereas those
Indicating some members of the chorus poor old buggers, get nothing? You,
Marilades, old age is closing in on you. Have you ever been made an
ambassador? Marilades shakes his head See? He says never! And
yet heÕs a smart man and a hard worker. What about you Drakyllos?
You Euforides or you, Prinides? Has any one of you ever been to Ekvatana
or Chaon? They all shake their heads See? They all said no. But ask
Lamachus and ask KoisirosÕ son, and youÕll find that theyÕve all got to know
these places very well. People like these two who, only yesterday, because of
their mounting debts and unpaid subscriptions, folks would yell Òshit ahoy!Ó as
soon as they saw them in the streetÉ like when people empty their slop out of
the window in the evening! TheyÕve been there all right!
Lamachus:
Oh Democracy! Do we have to put up with this?
Dicaeopolis:
Not unless you get paid for it, right?
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Lamachus: Infuriated
Right! IÕm off! IÕm off to fight! To fight all the
Peloponnesians. All of them, and always! And IÕll stir up the whole
place, with the navy and with the infantry! With all my might and
strength!
Exits
in a anger. Similar martial fanfare.
Dicaeopolis:
And I shall announce that all the Peloponnesians and the Megarians and the
Boetians may come and buy and sell from me as they wish andÉ Shouts at the back
of Lamachus to forget about Lamachus!
Exits
also in anger. While the chorus is going through the next recitation the
stage is set for Act 2.Dicaeopolis, with the help of his slaves, his wife and
daughter, silently set up a couple of market stalls whereupon various products
are arrayed. They measure a space and draw lines and put markers to establish
the boundaries of their Òmarket place.Ó A sign is placed at some point,
with the words ÒDicky MartÓ on it. Xanthias with the daughter and Slave 2
with DicaeopolisÕ wife have established to the eyes of the audience but
not to those of Dicaeopolis an unequivocal sexual bond.
The work is completed just as the chorus has finished the following.
626
Lacratides:
The man has completely changed the minds of the people about the peace
treaties.
Marilades:
But, men, letÕs take our clothes off and play our part in the play.
Drakylos:
Since the days our poet has first begun putting on plays, he had never used the
opportunity to boast about how fantastic he is at it. However seeing that his
enemies have managed to persuade the gullible Athenians that he has made fun of
them and berated our city, he finds himself today, forced to answer these
charges.
Euforides:
He says that heÕs done a great deal for you. For example, the fact that
you are no longer so easily persuaded by foreigners who come here trying to
seduce you and cheat you with flattery, is due to his good teaching.
Prinides:
The fact that you are no longer the gorking twits that you once were, is thanks
to Aristophanes. In earlier days, all these foreign ambassadors had to do was
to call you violet-crowned men and the word ÒvioletÓ would have raising your
bums to the wind. Or, if one of them tickled your vanity with Ò
Lacratides:
For godÕs sake he used the adjective one uses to describe anchovies drenched in
oil! I mean, Òsleek,Ó for goodness sake! He has served you well, our poet,
simply by the fact that he warned you against these awful tricks.
Marilades:
He has also shown the governments of our subject States how our sort of
Democracy is really governing them!
Drakylos:
Now, the next time these ambassadors come to pay their taxes, they would want
to see the best of your poets, the one who put himself in so much danger
so as to show the Athenians what justice is.
Euforides:
His fame and audacity has reached so far that the Great King himself, examining
the Spartan ambassadors about the fate of our war, asked them first who
has the best navy and then he wanted to know about which side the poet
says nasty things.
Prinides:
Because, the Great King thinks, those who take AristophanesÕ advice will become
better human beings and theyÕll also be the ones whoÕll win the war.
ThatÕs why the Spartans are asking for peace and demand to keep our poetÕs
birth place, Aigina. Not because they want the little island for extra
territory but because they can then claim our poet to be one of them. And
you, you ought never give him up because his comedies will always be a fight
for justice.
Lacratides:
He also says that heÕll be teaching you a lot more wonderful things, to make
your lot a happier one. He wonÕt be licking your bumholes or making you false
promises, or giving you nothing sleeky trickery, or hocus-pocus or raining
praises upon you. Just good old, pure teaching. The best of it ThatÕs what
heÕll be giving you! The very best teaching available! A real
education!
Marilades:
As for Cleon, let him do his worst. His schemes and tricks will bear no
fruit. Justice and the Good are his allies; and good old Aristophanes
wonÕt be caught hanging around the city like him, a coward and a letch-arse!
Drakylos:
So, come to us , O Muse! Show us now your fiery glow and your Acharnian
strength which burns like a spark amidst the coals of oak! Show us the
spark which flares with the breeze to fry the frying fish for some and to bake
a cake or two for others, while others yet Ða slave or two- knead bread or spin
with spinning hands the Thasian appetisers. So come to us, neighbours to you,
one and all with rustic fervour in your song.
Euforides:
We, oldies accuse the city of not cherishing our old age in a manner worthy of
all our naval exploits. Because instead of respect, we suffer terrible
indignities and, as aged men the youth is constantly taking us to court, or
weÕd be laughed at by speech makers as being losers and nobodies as well as
deaf and overused flutes holes. Our walking sticks are the only Poseidon,
our only saviour and support.
Prinides:
Old age and youth, hey? We get to the courts and weÕd be lucky to get but
an inkling, a misty shadow of justice! Whereas our prosecutor, a
youth himself Ðand a lusty youth at that- wanting to show just how lusty his
youth is -at our expense, of course- bombards us with huge, well-rounded
missiles of words.
Lacratides:
Take old Tithonos, for example. A very old man. Well some young and
lusty, self-important prosecutor, hauls him up onto the stand and sets upon him
with traps and lures and with muddying the waters and leaving the poor man,
confounded, mumbling and withdrawing from court with a stinging fine. Outside,
poor Tithonos sees his friends, and begins to whimper and cry that the few
drachs he had left wonÕt go to pay for his coffin now but for this fine.
Marilades:
How can this be fair, to ruin such an elderly man in a place where the speeches
are timed and regulated? Is that a court of justice or what? A man
who suffered so much and spilled so much manly, hot sweat fighting at
Marathon? A Man, worthy of the name, worthy of our city? One minute
we are fighting at
Drakylos:
Or Thucydides, another poor old warrior! Is it right that such a man, bent with
years to be lost in a real brutal, Skythian type of legal desert against
Kifisodemos, another savage, crap-spitting prosecutor?
Euforides:
I was so sad, I cried when I saw this hateful archer torture this old man. By
Demeter, when Thucydides was a young man, when he was the true Thucydides he
wouldnÕt have taken any insults even from Demeter herself and he would have
floored ten hefty wrestlers, no lesser than Euathlos himself. He would have
shouted down three thousand archers and his own arrows would have pierced
through them -and through their whole family tree!
Lacratides:
Well then, if you wonÕt leave the oldies to their peace, have two types
of court. Let the old man have his toothless old lawyer and let the
young man have his young Alcibiades, you know that wide-holed chatterbox
son of Kleinias. So make such laws as necessary to have old men brought
to court by old men and young men by one of their own age.
Acharnians
withdraw to the sides.
ACT TWO
Scene 1
Everyone
except Dicaeopolis has gone back into the house. He has just thanked everyone,
smacked his hands clean and, putting on a smile of self-satisfaction,
takes his place behind one of the stalls to wait for customers.
719
Dicaeopolis: Pointing at the boundaries
he drew
Right then! Here are the boundaries of my market place where everyone,
Peloponnesians as well as Megarians and Boetians can come and trade with me and
Shouts at LamachuÕs door Lamachus can go and get stuffed! He indicates
the three leather whips As inspectors of the market place I appoint these
three horse whips, which came to me from
Goes
into the house. Enter a Megarian with his two daughters and an almost empty
sack on his back.
729
Megarian:
Oh, darling market! Athenian market, loved by all Megarians, greetings!
Oh, how IÕve missed you! Like a baby misses its mummy! Takes his
bag down and offers it to his daughters Come darling, worthless daughters of a
miserable father, see if you can find something in here to eat. They examine
the sack and find only some old leaves which they throw down. They shake their
heads Well then let your empty stomachs listen to me well:
Which do you prefer Ðto be sold or be starved?
735
Daughters:
To be sold, to be sold!
Megarian:
ThatÕs what I say, too! Examines them with dissatisfaction But then, who would
be so stupid as to make such an obvious loss? Thinks for a minute and comes up
with a solution Yes! ThatÕs it! I just remembered an old Megarian
trick! I shall turn you both into little pigs! Hehehe! Looks into his
sack and finds some trotters Here we are. Put these on your hands
and feet! They do so but their posture is careless Come on, girls! Try
and look as if youÕre from good stock. Make pretend that a
good sow gave birth to you! Because, by Hermes, if I donÕt sell
you, youÕll be feeling the full rage of a real hunger when we get home! Looks
into his sack again and comes up with two snouts which he hands to them
Now put these snouts on. They obey and he examines them. He is satisfied
Now squeeze yourselves into the sack. They obey. Once theyÕre into
the sack he taps on the head of one And, donÕt forget, every now and then
squeal and make a koi-koi, make the sort of piggy noises that the sacrificial
piggies make, all right? Nods from within the sack IÕll call Dicaeopolis now.
Yells Hey, Dicaeopolis! Dicky where are you? Dicaeopolis appears at the
door carrying the law pillar. Do you want to buy some little piggies?
750
Dicaeopolis:
Very excited at the sight of the Megarian What? A real Megarian?
Megarian:
Yes! IÕm here to do business.
Dicaeopolis:
Ah, good, god, very good! puts the law pillar down So, how are
things in
Megarian: Miserably
Ah, well! Gesturing at his stomach Our stomachs are still singing around the
fireplace!
Dicaeopolis:
Ah, yes, the empty stomach and the empty fireplace! The hungry stomach
and the empty fireplace, hey? What a duet they could put compose! All
they need is a good flute player, right? And what else is news in
Megarian:
What else? Well, let me seeÉ The day I was leaving for the market, the
politicians were wondering what to do to bring about the quickest possible
death to us all!
Dicaeopolis:
That would put a certain end to all of your worries then, wouldnÕt it?
Megarian:
Correct!
Dicaeopolis:
SoÉ what else, my friend? WhatÕs the price of wheat these days?
Megarian:
Wheat? The price of wheat is at an absolute premium! It has shot up so
high, soooooo highÉ only the gods can buy it!
760
Dicaeopolis: Nods in sympathy, then,
indicating the sack
Is this salt, youÕre bringing us?
Megarian:
Salt? After your occupation of Minoa, and since youÕre the masters of the
sea, itÕd be you whoÕd be the lords of the salts, wouldnÕt you?
Dicaeopolis:
Is it garlic, then?
Megarian:
Garlic? What garlic? Whenever you lot attacked us, youÕd come
charging into our fields like mice and burrow yourselves underground and rip
all their heads off!
Dicaeopolis:
So what have you got in here, then?
Megarian:
Proudly I am bringing you piglets. Little beauties. Special. The sort
they use for sacrifices.
765
Dicaeopolis:
Oh! Well done! Show me!
Megarian:
Oh ho! YouÕre gonna love this! They are so beautiful! Feel
them if you like! They are so plump, so delicious!
Dicaeopolis: Feels
around the outside of the sackÉ finds the tits
Hello, whatÕs this?
Megarian:
A piglet, I swear! A little sow!
Dicaeopolis: Feels
around a bit moreÉ finds the bums. Becomes more and more suspicious.
A piglet, hey? And where do such piggies grow?
Megarian:
Dicaeopolis: Feels
around the sack a bit more.
IÉ no! I donÕt think theyÕre little piggies. Sows or otherwise!
Megarian:
Wanna bet? Ho, ho ho! What a silly doubting Dicky you are!
Ha! To the audience He says theyÕre not piglets! Could you believe
it? I bet you, salt to oregano, theyÕre little sows. ThatÕs what theyÕre called
in Athenian, sow. ÒSow, sow!Ó You hear them yelling at them all the
time, ÒHey, you old sow!Ó and ÒCome here you little pig!Ó and ÒYou little porker,
you!Ó They yell it all the time!
Dicaeopolis: Looking
even more uncertain
They seem to beÉ of the human variety!
Megarian:
Not giving an inch But of course they are! Of course they
are! By our Grand, Megarian hero, Diocles! They are my very own variety.
Whose did you think they were? Sees that Dicaeopolis is not convinced Do
you want to hear their voice?
Dicaeopolis:
Now, that IÕd love to hear!
Megarian:
Right you are! Right, my little piggies, say hello! Silence from the sack.
Leans over and, after smacking one on the head, speaks softly but sternly
to them. Listen, you little shits, if you donÕt say something, youÕll be back
home before you can say ÒHermes!Ó
Daughter: Timidly
Koi, koi!
Megarian:
Now, was that a piggy or not?
Dicaeopolis
is about to laugh but controls himself. Instead he mumbles, Òeither
piglet or pussyÓ and wonders how the Megarian will pull this through. The
Megarian, frustrated at the manÕs disbelief, opens the sack and one of the
daughters jumps up!
Dicaeopolis: Bursts
into laughter
Wow! ItÉ it certainly looks like a little piggy nowÉ but I think when she
grows up sheÕll be a real cunt! Hohohohoho!
Megarian:
In five years sheÕll look just like her mum!
Dicaeopolis:
But sheÕs not yet ready for the altar.
Megarian:
What? Of course sheÕs ready for the altar.
785
Dicaeopolis:
Walks around the daughter and inspects her closely But this littleÉ piggie is
missing a tail!
Megarian:
Oh, thatÕs because sheÕs still young. Wait till she grows up a bit. Then
sheÕll get a real beauty! A real big one. Fat and red. YouÕll
see. Stuff her full of good food and sheÕll grow up to be a real good sow
for you!
Second
daughter emerges from the sack. Angry at being left out of the deal.
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, ho! Well, look at that! These cunts look identical!
790
Megarian:
Same mother, same father! Indicating their cunts And when these little
beauties grow up a bit and get a bit more hair around them, theyÕll be perfect
for the altar of Aphrodite!
Dicaeopolis:
They donÕt sacrifice pigs on AfroÕs altar!
Megarian:
DonÕt they? But sheÕs the only god who loves them, bless her! And,
of course, after the sacrifice, shove a skewer into them and the flesh of these
little piglets is scrumptious!
Dicaeopolis:
Can they eat without their mother yet?
Megarian:
Of course! As well as without their father!
Dicaeopolis:
SoÉ what do they like eating mostly?
Megarian:
Whatever you give them. Ask them yourself!
Dicaeopolis:
To the daughters Little pig, little pigÉ
Daughters:
Koi, koi!
800
Dicaeopolis:
Do you eatÉ chick peas, piggies?
Daughters:
Koi, koi!
Dicaeopolis:
And figs from Fivalos?
Daughters:
Koi, koi!
Dicaeopolis:
You eat figs, too, do you?
Daughters: With
enthusiasm this time
Koi, koi, koi, koi, koi!
Dicaeopolis:
How loudly you squeal about the figs! Shouts towards the house Xanthias!
Xanthias appears at the door, obviously
having been interrupted from his amorous work.
Dicaeopolis:
Xanthias bring us here the figs IÕve got inside and letÕs see if these piggies
will eat them.
Xanthias
disappears into the house, comes back with the figs and places them on one of
the stalls. HeÕs in a hurry to get back to his work so he does so.
As soon as the figs are put onto the table, the ÒpigletsÓ charge at them.
Dicaeopolis:
Wow! They sure love their figs! Look how greedily theyÕre gobbling
them upÉ Great Hercules! Where did you say these little piggies are from,
Gluttony?
810
Megarian:
Ah, sorry, mate. It wasnÕt just them. I snatched one myself!
Dicaeopolis:
I love the way they eat! VeryÉ decorously, veryÉ city like! Right, IÕll
take them. Tell me, how much do you want for the little porkers?
Megarian:
For this one here a string of garlic and for this oneÉ a bag of salt.
Dicaeopolis:
Right. IÕm buying them! Wait here a moment.
Megarian:
IÕll be right here. To the audience Oh Hermes! God of Trade!
If only I could sell off my wife that easilyÉ and my mother!
Dicaeopolis
goes to his house, stops at the porch where the garlic is hanging Ða reminder
of the beginning of scene 2, looks at and ponders over their diminishing quantity
for a moment but then, convinced heÕs doing the right thing, tears a
string off. Then he goes inside to get the salt. While
all this is going on, an Informer enters, brandishing a fearful truncheon
and looking very mean. He approaches the Megarian and his daughters. The
daughters see him and, frightened, scramble back into the sack.
Informer:
You! Where are you from?
Megarian:
Me? IÕm a pig seller from
Informer:
Right! IÕm confiscating the pigs and expose you as a seller of enemy products!
Megarian:
Here we go again! This is the sort of crap that brought about all our woes in
the first place! He grabs at the bag protectively
Informer:
ThatÕs Megarian talk, that! YouÕll cop it now! He tries to drag the sack
away Let go of the sack!
Megarian:
Shouts Dicaeopolis! Dicky! A sycophant is here and he says
heÕs going to expose me! Dicky, help!
Dicaeopolis:
From within. Very angry. Who? A sycophant? Who? WhoÕs exposing
whom? Comes out of the house, rushes to his stall, pulls down the whip and
looks furiously at the informer. Addressing the whip. Right!
Come on, Market Inspector, letÕs get these informers out of our market place,
shall we? To the informer Now! What sort of exposure have we here,
hey?
Informer:
Frightened a bit but defiant IÕm exposing the enemy. Should I not expose the
enemy?
827
Dicaeopolis: Comes around the stall to
the Informer and chases him away
Piss off! Go and do your exposing somewhere else!
Exit
the Informer. The piglets come out again.
Megarian:
What a slimy plague this lot must be to you Athenians, hey?
Dicaeopolis:
DonÕt worry about them, Megarian. Here you are, hereÕs the price youÕve
asked for the piglets. Hands him the goods HereÕs the string of garlic
and the salt, and joy aplenty to you!
Megarian:
We donÕt say that in
Dicaeopolis:
What, ÒJoy aplenty?Ó A bit over the top, is it? Sorry. Well, ÒJoy
aplentyÓ to me, then! Hohohoho!
Megarian:
To his daughters Well, my little piglets, even without your father, now, you
should still try and get whatever they give you: bread, salt,
prick. Take whatever they give you.
Exit
the Megarian and Dicaeopolis takes the ÒpigletsÓ into his house.
Scene 2
836
Lacratides:
Well, hereÕs a man with joy aplenty!
Marilades:
Did you hear how well his plans came through? HeÕll be able to feed
himself well, simply by sitting down at his own little market.
Drakylos:
And if informers like Ktesias want to come around, theyÕll be shedding tears.
From
now on, Dicaeopolis and his family Ðincluding his daughter, the two Òpiglets,Ó
his wife and his two slaves- come and go, bringing various stuff out to the
stall and taking other stuff back inside, generally looking busy and
jolly. Xanthias is now happier with his masterÕs new, female
acquisitions. Everyone is still there when the Boetian enters.
Euforides:
No other man will be able to cheat you, with your shopping, Dicaeopolis Ðby
buying everything before you get to the market Ð hihihi! YouÕll already
be there, before everyone else! Choose your goods at your own pace! Hahahaha!
Prinides:
And Prepis that loose-arse, wonÕt be dropping his guts on you.
Pinches his nose Pohhh!
Lacratides:
And Cleonymus wonÕt be able to screw you, here at your own market. No,
your cloak will always be clean and youÕll be seen walking the whole length of
your market without bumping into characters like Hyperbolous, the summons
psychoÉ
Marilades:
Éor into Kratinos, whoÕs always wearing that stupid haircut Ðyou know the
one? The skinhead sort. The one which makes him look like a real sleazdick!
Drakylos:
Or that other slimy character, Artemos, who calls himself a musician and whose
armpits stink as if heÕs descended from a heard of goats!
Euforides:
Or that crook, Pauson! He wonÕt be able to chuck insults at you any more,
and youÕll never again need to meet LysistratosÉ
Prinides:
Éthat piece of shame from Cholareis, whoÕs steeped in evil and whoÕs always
shivering and always hungry Ð for longer than thirty days a month!
Enter
a Boetian, with Ismenias, his slave. Both are burdened by a great many
wares for the market. They are followed by some flute players.
860
Boetian:
In agony By Hercules IÕve really stuffed up my shoulder with all this.
Ismenias, put the oregano down Ð gently! And you, Theban musicians,
blow ÒThe BitcheÕs BumÓ on your bony flutes.
The
music is intolerable for Dicaeopolis and the rest.
Dicaeopolis:
What the crowsÉ Get these buzzing wasps away from my gates! How did these
children of Cheris that dreadful bag pipe player get to my door?
Boetian:
By HerculesÕ boyfriend, the Theban Iolaus! Good stranger, youÕd be doing
me a favour if youÕd send them away. TheyÕve been right behind me blowing
those stupid pipes all the way from
873
Dicaeopolis:
A Boetian! Bread-stick lovers one and all! Welcome! Greetings, my
friend! LetÕs see, what have you got there?
Boetian:
All of BoetiaÕs goodies: Oregano, baskets, ducks, wicks, jays, woodcocks, water
fowl, wrens, divers Ð
Dicaeopolis:
Interrupts him YouÕve come here like the rough wind that drops all the birds
from the sky!
Boetian:
Ah, but I also bring geese, rabbits, foxes, moles, porcupines, cats, lyres,
martins, otters and Copaic eels.
Dicaeopolis:
Ahhhhhh! Copaic eels! My friend! You have brought me the most delicious
of morsels. Let me say hello to your eels!
Boetian:
To his eels Come! Let the eldest of the fifty Copaic water virgins come out of
there and make this stranger happy.
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, beloved eel, you! IÕve longed for you for so long! The poets
sigh hot sighs for you and Morychus adores you! Finally, oh, finally, youÕve
come! To his slaves Get the grill and the bellows out boys and ÐOh, look at it,
will you! What a sweet looking eel. WeÕve been waiting for it for six long
years! Look at it! Darling daughter, say hello to this beauty! IÕll
get the coal for our delicious, darling stranger! Take her in, folks and even
death wonÕt separate me from her, not when sheÕs garnished with a bit of beet
root!
Dicaeopolis
hands the eel to Xanthias. DicaeopolisÕ family goes into the house to prepare
the eel. Appropriate Ðas well as inappropriate- noises issue from there,
suggesting a good time in the kitchen.
895
Boetian:
What about me? Where is my money?
Dicaeopolis:
The eel is the price of your entry into the market. What else do you want
to sell me?
Boetian:
The lot, of course!
Dicaeopolis:
Tell me then, how much do you want? Or would you rather barter?
900
Boetian:
IÕll barter. IÕll get whatever you Athenians have but we Boetians donÕt.
Dicaeopolis:
Examines his wares LetÕs seeÉ we have Anchovies from Phaliron andÉ pottery.
Boetian:
Anchovies and pottery? WeÕve got those. I need to get stuff we
donÕt have back there.
Dicaeopolis:
Ah! I know just the thing youÕre after. Pointing at a jar Take this
informer. HeÕs dressed up as a jar.
Boetian:
An informer! Yes! By the twin gods. IÕd be making a lot of money if I
took one of them back with me. Full of dirty monkey business, they are!
Enter
Nikarhos, an informer. HeÕs short and overdressed, pompous and
Dictatorial. He too, brandishes a fearful truncheon.
Dicaeopolis:
Talking of monkeys, hereÕs our own Nikarhos!
Boetians:
HeÕs a little short for an informer, isnÕt he?
Dicaeopolis:
Short but full of venom!
910
Nikarhos: Pointing at the BoetianÕs wares
with his truncheon
Whose load is this?
Boetian:
Mine. I brought it all the way from Thebes. Sees that Nikarhos is
doubtful Swear by Zeus!
Nikarhos:
Then I expose them as enemy products!
Boetian:
Mocks him and laughs YouÕve got a war going with the little Dicky birds?
Nikarhos:
Yes, I shall expose your Dicky birds as well as you!
Boetian:
Me? What have I done to you?
915
Nikarhos: Pompously indicating the
audience and with his truncheon pointing at the wares
IÕll tell you, for the sake of the audience: You have brought to this
country enemy wicks.
Dicaeopolis:
YouÕll expose the man because of a lamp wick?
Nikarhos:
Indeed! One man could set a whole fleet on fire with a lamp wick!
Dicaeopolis:
A whole fleet, with a wick?
Nikarhos:
IÕm certain of it!
Dicaeopolis:
How?
Nikarhos:
A Boetian can tie the wick to the wings of a mosquito, then light it, then
shove it into the sewer which leads to the docks, wait there for a strong
Northerly which, when it gets there, will make the flames big enough and strong
enough to turn our whole navy into ashes, within seconds!
Dicaeopolis:
Into ashes, youÉ Smacks him on the head with the butt of the whip you
escaped fart! A spark and a mossy can turn our navy into ashes?
926
Nikarhos:
Distressed turns to everyone around him See that? YouÕre all
witnesses.
Dicaeopolis:
Grab him! Shut his mouth up! They all attack and grab Nikarhos
Bring me some of that packing, someone. Boetian hands him some straw IÕll
pack the idiot up like a vase so he wonÕt break on the way there.
Nikarhos
is ÒpackedÓ and a rope is tied around his neck.
Lacratides:
Tie him well, Dicky. Tie his prick well Ðfirmly, so it wonÕt wobble about
and break on the way.
Dicaeopolis:
No worries! IÕll take care of that, all right. Taps and pulls at
NikarhosÕ phallus which, in response makes an odd sound ItÕs a sad sound, this
one, isnÕt it? Sort of crackedÉ badly baked. The Gods hate that
sort of sound!
935
Marilades:
So whatÕs the use of a prick like that, then?
Dicaeopolis:
Oh, lotÕs of foul and disgusting things! This the sort of prick thatÕs
used as a pestle to grind law suits and foul indictments, a wick to spy with, a
stick to stir shit withÉ make all sorts of poisonsÉ
Drakylos:
How can anyone feel safe using such a foul-sounding tool?
Dicaeopolis:
HeÕs finished with the stuffing and, smacking his hands with satisfaction Well,
itÕs made of sturdy stuff, really, if you hang it by the feet.
Euforides:
To the Boetian HeÕs done a good job with the straw.
Boetian:
Laughs Yeah! It looks like harvest time!
Prinides:
HeÕs all yours for the harvest, good stranger. Take this sycophant now
and make what good use you can of him. Take him all around and expose him
to everyone for the informer that he is.
952
Dicaeopolis:
It took a bit out of me, but I managed to do a good job with the fart, donÕt
you think? Hands the rope to the Boetian
Boetian:
Takes the rope from Dicaeopolis but offers it to his slave Here,
Isminias, take him and be careful how you handle him.
Dicaeopolis:
YouÕre taking home a bad piece of work but still, making a profit out of
informing on informers would be a good thing.
Boetian,
Nikarhos and Ismenias exit. Dicaeopolis goes inside his house.
Scene 3
A
slave comes out of LamachusÕ house and yells in front of DicaeopolisÕ house.
Slave:
Dicaeopolis! Dicky! Diiiickyyyyy!
960
Dicaeopolis:
Yes? Who is it? Comes out Yeah, what do you want?
Slave:
Lamachus has asked me to ask you to sell him some Dicky birds and a bit of eelÉ
heÕs given me to give you one drachma for the Dicky birds and heÕs given me to
give you three more drachmas for the eel. HeÕs going to the festival of Wine
DrunksÉ I mean, Wine Cups.
Dicaeopolis:
Lamachus? Lamachus? Who is this Lamachus who wants some of my eel?
Slave:
You know Lamachus! My master! That fearful, bull-strong, shaker of the
shield upon which a fierce Gorgon is painted and wears three plumes that
beshadow his mighty shadow crest.
Dicaeopolis:
Ohhh! Shouts in the direction of LamachusÕ home so that Lamachus can hear
him That Lamachus! No! I wouldnÕt give him anything, even if he
gave me that shield of his. Let him and his plumes eat beshadowed
sardinesÉ and if he starts shouting again like before, Picks up his whip and
shakes it at the slave IÕll call the market inspectors again!
Slave runs back into LamachusÕ house.
IÕll start packing everything up, I think. Starts doing so as he intones:
Oh, on the wings of a dove and the beak of a sparrow, I am carried awayÉ
While
the chorus speaks, all the members of DicaeopolisÕ family come out and, forming
a Òchain gang,Ó help bring all the merchandise into the house, until they
are all inside. The door shuts firmly behind them. Again, noises
are heard which suggest a good time in the kitchen and elsewhere in the house.
971
Lacratides:To the audience
Did you see Athenians? Did you all see how wise and prudent this man is?
Marilades:
How with his own treaty he managed to buy all the things he needs for his
household and all the delicious things that are worthy of his table? So
easily!
Drakylos:
Without bother or fuss, all good things come to him.
Euforides:
I shall never invite War into my house, nor will I sing with him the martial
songs of Harmodius.
Prinides:
HeÕs a loud drunk, who burst into my party once and, while we were all enjoying
ourselves with all sorts of delightful things, in he goes and does all
the harm he can, smashing and spilling everything and arguing and fighting with
everyone; and no matter how often I told him to sit down and to take this
lovely cup and enjoy the drink, he still went on and wildly burned down my vine
stakes and even more wildly spilled all our wine!
Dicaeopolis
comes out and carefully, proudly, places a bundle of feathers next to his
door. They are the feathers of the chickens and all the other birds theyÕve
slaughtered for their dinner. He smiles with satisfaction, burps,
farts, chuckles and goes back inside.
Lacratides:
Whereas, this man, Dicky, here, has his table covered with delicious morsels
and, as you saw, proud of what heÕs done, puts the customary feathers at his
entrance, a sign of the good life thatÕs going on inside.
DicaeopolisÕ
door opens once again and this time a woman, the personification of Peace comes
and stands in front of it.
Marilades:
Oh Peace! Ohhhh! Stunning mate of Aphrodite! Beloved of the Graces. WeÕve
forgotten just how beautiful your face is!
Drakylos:
Ohhh! If only, if only Eros would join us Ðjust you and me together-
somehow!
Euforides:
Even in a painting, like those which the artists draw with all those wreaths
and blossoms! Or do you think IÕm too old for you? Hehehe!
Prinides:
I reckon I could still manage three little tasks for you, deary! Old or
notÉ
Lacratides:
ÉIÕd first plant a loooooong vine into you and thenÉ
Marilades:
Ésnuggled right up close to it, right next to that vine IÕd plant a couple of
figs, and thirdlyÉ
Drakylos:
Thirdly, all around that vine and those two figs IÕd pop in some olive trees.
Euforides:
Then, weÕd be able to have our New Moon ritual by anointing our
bodies with olive oil.
Peace
smiles appreciatively and goes back inside. A moment
later enters a Herald.
1000
Herald:
Hear me people! Let everyone, at the sound of the trumpet, drink fast from his
jug. He whose jug is the first to be empty, will, as did our forefathers, win a
wine skin the size of KtisiphosÕ stomach!
Herald
leaves.
Dicaeopolis:
From within. Did you hear that wife? Children? Slaves?
Piglets? Peace? Did you all hear the proclamation? Move! Boil
and roast and turn the meat about! Pull those rabbits out of the fireÉGet
those wreaths doneÉ pass me the skewers to stick into the Dicky birds!
A
moment later Dicaeopolis comes out, flustered but happy with anticipation.
Prinides:
To Dicaeopolis I envy your good sense but even more, I envy your joy!
1010
Dicaeopolis:
Ah, youÕll see just how joyful I am when you see my roasted Dicky birds!
Lacratides:
I think youÕre right about that as well!
Dicaeopolis: Goes
to the window and shouts chef-like commands at the household
Stir the fire a bit!
Marilades: To
the audience
Do you hear him? See what a refined cook he is? See how well he knows the
art of cooking?
Enter
Derketes, a farmer, dressed in bright, wealth- white clothes. He is
ÒAlmostÓ blind and holding a cup. He looks very sad.
Derketes:
Distressed
Hades! Hades! Hades! Hades!
Dicaeopolis:
Who on Earth is that?
Drakylos:
Some poor, god-forsaken, misery-clogged man.
Dicaeopolis:
Yeah? Well, on your way, misery-man! We donÕt need any misery
today, thanks!
1020
Derketes: Stretches out his cup to him
Dear Dicaeopolis, darling Dicky. Since youÕre the only one whoÕs got any
peace around here, please let me have someÉ just a little bitÉ even if itÕs
just for five years.
Dicaeopolis:
Why? What happened to you?
Derketes:
Oh, poor me! Poor me! IÕm screwed! IÕve lost my oxen!
Dicaeopolis:
How?
Derketes:
The Boetians invaded my village, Phylae. They ran off with them.
Dicaeopolis:
ShouldnÕt you be in mourning, then, you sly shit? YouÕre dressed in
white.
Derketes:
Well, shit is right! The oxen made me wealthy with their manure!
1026
Dicaeopolis:
So what is it you would possibly need then?
Derketes: Feigns
total blindness
Oh, well, IÕve cried so much about my poor oxen, IÕve lost my sight.
Please, Dicky, if you care for poor Derketes from Phylae, just rub a bit of
your peace on my eyes, quick!
Dicaeopolis:
Ohhhh, poor Derketes! Sorry, but IÕm not in public medicine, like Dr.
Pittalos!
Derketes:
Please help me! Perhaps IÕll be able to see the oxen!
Dicaeopolis:
Nope! Go and cry at PittalosÕ people.
Derketes:
From his cloak he takes out a little reed Please, Dicky, just drop me a
drop or two of your peace in this tiny little reed.
Dicaeopolis:
No, not even a droplet. Go cry elsewhere!
Derketes:
Oh, my ploughing oxen! My poor, poor ploughing oxen!
Exit
Derketes.
Euforides:
Our man has discovered that peace is sweet and doesnÕt want to share it with
anyone else.
Dicaeopolis
goes back to his window and shouts similar chef-like orders to those within
1040
Dicaeopolis:
Hey, you! Spread a bit of honey over the entrails and turn the Dicky birds
over!
Prinides: To the
audience
Hear him? His orders are as sweet as a song!
Dicaeopolis:
And toss the eels!
Lacratides: To
Dicaeopolis
God, youÕre killing me with hunger; and all this smoke and all your shouts will
also kill the neighbours.
1046
Dicaeopolis: Even more pompously
Get that fish fried till itÕs nice and brown!
Goes
inside to show them what he means Enter a Best Man and Bridesmaid. He has come
from the wedding feast and heÕs holding a platter with food on it and a
small bottle made of alabaster. The Bridesmaid is holding onto the Best
ManÕs phallus and they both have a cheeky grin on their face.
Best Man:
Dicaeopolis! Hey, Dicky! cheekily Hihihihihihi!
Dicaeopolis:
From within What? Who? Comes out Where?
Best Man:
IÕm the Best Man at a wedding and the groom has sent this meat for you from his
wedding dinner. Both chuckle
Dicaeopolis: Comes
down and inspects the meat
Ah! Yes, heÕs done it very well, whoever he is!
Best Man:
He asks, in return for this meat Ðhihihihihi!- for you to put a bit of your
peace in this alabaster bottle, so that he can go on Ðhihihihihihi!- screwing
instead of going to war.
Dicaeopolis:
Get off! Take it, take it all back! ThereÕs no way IÕll be giving
you any of my peace, not for a million drachs! The Bridesmaid chuckles
But whoÕs this?
Best Man:
This here is the Bridesmaid and sheÕs got a personal message for you from the
bride. Hihihihihi!
1058
Dicaeopolis:
Well, come on, then, tell me! She moves towards him, still holding onto the
Best ManÕs phallus. This makes the Best Man move closer to Dicaeopolis
also. More chuckles from both. Finally, she manages to whisper
coyly. Dicaeopolis laughs at her message and they all laugh together
Hahaha! Oh gods! What a funny thing! What a funny thing the
bride has asked this girl to ask of me! Hahaha! SheÕs asked her to ask me
to help her keep the prick Ð I mean her husbandÕs prick Ð home!
Ohhohohoho! Call out towards the house Xanthias! Bring here my peace
bottle. This is the only donation IÕll make. Women have no reason
to suffer during war. Hohohoho! Keep the prick home! Hohohohoho!
Xanthias brings the peace bottle and hands it to Dicaeopolis Come,
darling, bring me your little bottle. Dicaeopolis pours some wine into
her bottle Now, you know what to do? Tell the bride that when the
order comes for the men to enlist, that night, to rub some of this on her
husbandÕs Dicky. All right? She nods but from the expression on the coupleÕs
faces we can tell that the Peace Wine will be rubbed on the Best ManÕs prick.
Dicaeopolis, also understands this, so he pours a bit extra in the bottle
Good! Hands the peace bottle to Xanthias Right! Xanthias,
take this back and bring me the for the festival. I must be off.
Xanthias
takes the bottle and runs back inside. Bridesmaid and Best Man hop off
happily. Enter, unhappily Herald A. HeÕs running.
Marilades:
Now hereÕs someone clearly not happy. Look at his twisted eyebrows.
HeÕs running to tell us something awful, I bet.
1071
Herald A:
Oh what tortures and pains! Worthy of Lamachus himself! He knocks on LamachusÕ door
Lamachus: Bombastically
within
Who knocks upon the doors of these war-blessed halls, where the shiny bronze of
shields and spears outshine the sun?
Herald A:
The generals, sir, have given orders that you should take all your troops and
all your helmets and all your plumes and hurry to the snow, to guard our
borders. ThereÕs been a report that Boetian thieves are coming to the
Festival of the Cups to do their usual dirty work.
Lamachus:
By now he has opened the door. His Phallus is sad. Damned Generals! High
in number, low in use! How dreadful! How terrible! Can I not at least
have time for one festival?
Exit
Herald A.
1080
Dicaeopolis: Laughs at LamachusÕ
misfortune
Oh, Lamachus the battle boy! Lamachus the lameÉ brain! LamachusÕ crest has
fallen!
Lamachus:
Furious at his misfortune as well as at Dicaeopolis You! YouÉ god-cursed
coward! You dare laugh at me?
Dicaeopolis: Pointing
at LamachusÕ fallen phallus
And is this the mighty four-winged Geryon with which youÕll fight the enemy?
Lamachus: Distressed
Oioioioioio! What a terrible message the messenger has brought me!
Enter
Herald B. HeÕs is also rushing. Heading for Dicaeopolis.
Dicaeopolis:
Oioioioioi! What terrible message this messenger will bring me!
Herald B:
Dicaeopolis! Tries to catch his breath
Dicaeopolis: Impatient
Yes? What is it?
Herald B:Takes a
deep breath now and rattles off this long list of goodies in
such a way that it hurts Lamachus to hear. To Òrub it inÓ the Herald
turns occasionally to Lamachus. Dicaeopolis, of course, is
ecstatic. Quick, grab your food platter and your cup and run to the
dinner. The priest of Dionysus has personally invited you. Hurry!
TheyÕve been waiting for hours to begin the orgy- I mean the
festivities. Everything is ready. Couches, tables,
mattresses, cushions, garlands, perfumes, sweets of all sorts, whores galore,
cakes, pastry bits and pieces, sesame rolls, little biscuitsÉ and those delightful
dancers, those beautiful lovers of HarmodiusÉMmmmm! Hurry!
Lamachus: Even
more distressed and green with envy
Oioioioioioioi! Luck has forsaken me!
Exit
Herald B
1095
Dicaeopolis: To Lamachus
Well, what can I say? You chose the great ugly Gorgon, I chose sweet,
beautiful peace! Xanthias! Shut the door behind you and prepare the
platter for the dinner.
They
both go into their respective houses but both can be seen through the
window. ItÕs a time of busy and furious, loudly made contrasts. An
ÒAgon,Óas it is usually called, a combat between two ideas.
Lamachus:
Slave, bring my army sack!
Dicaeopolis:
Slave, bring me my food platter!
Lamachus:
Some salt with oregano and onions!
1100
Dicaeopolis:
Fish for me, Xanthias. I hate onions!
Lamachus:
Some of the anchovies. The ones cooked in fig leaves.
Dicaeopolis:
Some nice tripe in my fig leaves, Xanthias. IÕll cook it there.
Lamachus:
Bring me my plumes!
Dicaeopolis:
Bring me the pigeons and the Dicky birds!
1105
Lamachus:Checking it and proudly displaying
it to the audience
This plume is beautiful. Ostrich! So white!
Dicaeopolis: Similarly
displaying it to the audience
Ohhhh! This Dicky bird is so scrumptious, so brown!
Lamachus: Angry
at Dicaeopolis
Will you stop mocking my war stuff, man?
Dicaeopolis:
Man, you wanna stop ogling my Dicky bird?
Lamachus:
Back to his slave Bring me the
case for the three plumes.
1110
Dicaeopolis:
Bring me the platter with the hare.
Lamachus:
Examining the plumes Damn! The hair-worms have eaten these plumes!
Dicaeopolis:
Shall I eat this hare before dinner?
Lamachus:
Angrier, at Dicaeopolis Man, would you stop talking to me?
Dicaeopolis:
Man, IÕm not talking to you! IÕm debating with the boy here! To Xanthias Would you like to bet on
what is nicer, locusts or Dicky birds? WeÕll let Lamachus here decide.
Lamachus: To the
audience
Look how the man insults me!
Dicaeopolis: To
the audience
Yeap, he prefers, the locusts, all right!
Lamachus:
Take down my spear and bring it to me, boy!
Dicaeopolis:
Boy, rips the snags out of the fire and bring them to me!
1120
Lamachus:
Come, slave, hold this spear for me so that I can pull it out of its sheath.
Hold it tightÉ ThatÕs right. Ahhhh!
Dicaeopolis: Indicating
his phallus
And you, little piglet, hold tight on this!
Lamachus:
Boy, bring the braces for my shield.
Dicaeopolis:
And theÉ bread loaves for myÉ stomach!
Lamachus:
My round shield, the one adorned with the Gorgon.
1125
Dicaeopolis:
And my pie.. the one adorned with cheese.
Lamachus: Indicating
the audience
Now isnÕt that a coarse joke for our audience?
Dicaeopolis: Displaying
it to the audience
Now isnÕt this a beautiful, sweet cheese pie for our audience?
Lamachus:
Boy, put a bit of oil on this shield. I can see a man in it, one about to
be prosecuted for cowardice.
1130
Dicaeopolis:
You pour the honey now, boy. I can seeÉ I can seeÉ I can see with my
little eyeÉ I can see a man in tears, by the name of Lamachus the Gorgonhead!
Lamachus:
Boy, bring me my battle-proof breast plate!
Dicaeopolis:
Boy, my battle-proof wine cup!
Lamachus:
Puts his breast plate on and smacks at it with pride Ah, yes! Armed with
this IÕll be right amongst the enemy!
1135
Dicaeopolis: Brandishing the cup
Ah, yes! Armed with this, IÕll be right amongst my drinking mates!
Lamachus:
Secure the mats on the shield.
Dicaeopolis:
Secure the food into the basket.
Lamachus:
IÕll pick up my back pack.
Dicaeopolis:
And IÕll pick up my cloak and go.
1140
Lamachus:
Boy, pick up the shield and start walking. Damn! ItÕs snowing. Brrrr!
This is wintry work!
Dicaeopolis:
Boy, pick up our food and letÕs go have a good drinking orgy!
Lamachus
and his slave exit and Dicaeopolis and Xanthias as well as the two
Òpiglets,Ó dressed to kill come out of their respective houses.
Lamachus is in full armour and his slave, loaded with military equipment
is trembling with fear and trepidation. The two ÒpigletsÓ throw a
brilliant cloak over DicaeopolisÕ shoulders. Xanthias is carrying a basket of
goodies for the festival. In contrast to Lamachus and his slave, Dicaeopolis
and his retinue looks very happy. Both sides glance at each other
with appropriate expressions of scorn, before they exit from different
directions.
Euforides:
Go forth, young men, each on a very different path to the other!
Prinides:
One path ends with drinks and garlands the other with ice and snow and outpost
guard duty. The first though, ah, the first!
Lacratides:
HeÉ will have a young beauty, rubbing his Dicky in bed! Hahahaha!
Marilades:
As for Antimachus, that creep, that saliva drip, that so-called author of lyric
poets Ðyou know the one!
Drakylos:
The one who wrote up a petition to stop the chorus sponsors from paying the
chorus! ThatÕs the one. Well, IÕve got four words you, Master
Antimachus!
Euforides:
May Zeus murder you! The stingy bum left me Ðme! A poor chorus master, to go
home -after the stunning show I put on a couple of years ago, he made me go
home starving.
Prinides:
The creep left me off his list for the Òafter-the-showÓ dinner! Me! You,
Antimachus! This is how IÕd like to see you suffer:
Lacratides:
Imagine, Antimachus! YouÕre standing there, in front of a delicious cuttle
fish, all nicely salted, deliciously cooked, just served Ðsizzling hot!- and
your eyes are devouring itÉ
Marilades:
Still with me, Antimachus? Your eyes are devouring this beautiful cuttle
fish and your mouth Ðas per usual- dripping spit everywhere. Well, just
as your hand moves towards it, what happens?
Drakylos:
A dog snatches it from under your nose and runs off with it! May the gods
grant me this sight! ThatÕs my first wish, boy! There is another.
Euforides:
One which takes place at night.
Prinides:
YouÕre returning from a day of horse riding, Antimachus, and youÕre all hot
and sweaty and utterly bothered.
Lacratides:
ItÕs night, remember? Well, our friend Orestes the drunk sees you and
gongs you one on the head.
Marilades:
So, youÕre furious and youÕre mad and itÕs nightÉ
Drakylos:
Éso you canÕt see too well, and you get off the horse and grab Ðyou want a
rock, right?
Euforides:
No, you grab a turd Ða freshly made one, of course!-
Prinides:
Swooshy and squashy and mushyÉ
Lacratides:
Éand squishyÉ and you toss it and itÉ
Marilades:
Éand it misses and it hitsÉ no, not Orestes our drunken friend butÉ
Drakylos:
É Cratinus, our buggersÕ friend.
Euforides:
Still with me Antimachus?
Scene 4
Enter
LamachusÕ slave. HeÕs all hot and bothered. He runs up to LamachusÕ
house and knocks at the door.
1174
Slave:
Hey, servants of Lamachus! Quick, get some water! Get some hot
water, Quick. Heat some water in a pot! A servant comes out of the house
Quick! Get some cloth and waxed wool and lint and bandages and stuff, for
his ankle. The servant runs off inside and slave now turns to the
audience The master hurt himself jumping over a ditch. He hit a
stake and dislocated and twisted his ankle, broke his head by some falling
stone and the Gorgon shot off right out of his shield! Swoosh! Ah, the
poor man! How his beautiful plumes rolled on the ground. He got so angry
at that, he let out such a sad, sad lamentation! He said, Takes up a tragic
posture ÒOh, bright light, this is the last my eyes will see of you. I dieÉ my
eyes will see no moreÉÓ Well, you wouldnÕt believe it but straight after
he said this, he sees a band of thieves, so he gets up out of the ditch and
chases the thieves and all the other runaways with his spear. Right up
their bum his spear was! Ah, here he is now!
Enter
Lamachus. HeÕs all bruised and bandaged, helped by a slave on either
side. Bodies and phalluses are in concert as to the state of their
general disposition.
Lamachus:
Oioioioioioiiiiiii! What awful pains! Achhhh! Dreadful aches!
Achhh! IÕm dyiiiiiing! Muuuuuuuumy! IÕm hit! IÕve been hit by an enemy
spear. Achhhhh! You think IÕm screaming because of these wounds,
because IÕm going to die? No! IÕm screaming because that rotten
man, Dicaeopolis is going to see me like this and laugh at me and at my
woes! Oioioioioioioiiiii!
Enter
Dicaeopolis ÒhelpedÓ by the two Òpiglets,Ó one on each side, of course, and
each holding DicaeopolisÕ phallus with one hand. They are all drunk, very happy
and with a garland somewhere around the vicinity of the top of their
head. A cup is dangling from DicaeopolisÕ phallus. He
is fondling the breasts of the Òpiglets.Ó
1198
Dicaeopolis:
Oioioioioiiiiii! What delightful tits! Firm like quinces! Mmmmmm! To one
of them Oh, sweet, sweet, sweetie porky pie, give me a kiss. A
deeeeeep kissÉ with the innermost lipsÉ like lockjawÉ as a prize for winning
the drinking contest! Hick! I was the first to empty my cup, you know!
Hick!
Lamachus:
Envious Oioioioioioioiiiiii! What suffering, what bitter pain these fiery
wounds give me! Oioioioioiiii!
1205
Dicaeopolis:
Ohohoho! Well, hello, Sir Lamachus, Sir Knight of the GorgonÕs head!
Lamachus:More
envious
Oioioioioioiiiii! Achhhh!
Dicaeopolis:
To one of the girls Will you kiss me? Erotically? She does and as
she does, her hand lets go of his phallus.
Lamachus:Green
with envy
Oioioioioioiioiii! Achhhhh!
Dicaeopolis:After
the kiss, turns to the other girl
Will you bite me? Erotically? She does so and also lets her hand off his
phallus, which, now unpropped, drops.
1210
Lamachus:
Greener with envy Oioioiiii! How hard I paid for that battle!
Dicaeopolis:
Has everyone paid their dues for the orgy?
Lamachus: Disgusted
Oh Apollo, Apollo, Apollo!
Dicaeopolis:
Indicating his phallus
CanÕt pull it any more, today, boy! ItÕs exhausted! Try again at
the feast of the Healer! Hahahaha!
Lamachus: Even
more disgusted
Take me, boy, take me by the arms! Friends hold me!
Dicaeopolis: Again
indicating his phallus
Me, too, girls, grab my prick from the middle and hold it!
Pleeeeeease! They do. Dignity is restored!
Lamachus: seeking
sympathy
IÕm a bit dizzy. The stone hit me and my sight is fading.
Dicaeopolis:
Me too! I wanna go to bed. Indicating his phallus Look, itÕs
rising! ItÕs gonna blow up!
Lamachus: Seeking
more sympathy
Quick, men! Take me to Dr. PittalusÕ clinic, to his soothing hands.
Dicaeopolis:
And me, take me to the judges! About to walk but stumbles Oooops, someone
else do the driving. Where is the chief? I forgotÉ IÉ want my
prize!
Lamachus:
Desperately seeking sympathy
The sharp spear ran itself right through my bones!
Dicaeopolis: Suddenly
discovers his cup
Ohhhh! Look at my poor empty cup! Hurrah for me! Hurrah for my victory!
To the girls, the audience and the chorus Come on, shout with me, hurrah!
They
all do so
Lacratides:
Well, hurrah!
Marilades:
Hurrah for your brilliant victory, Dicaeopolis!
All Acharnians together:
Hurrah for our old Dicky!
Dicaeopolis:
Hehehe! Once again, I drained my brimming cup, a cup full of unmixed
wine! One glug! One solitary glug! Shows the empty cup
around See? My cup is empty!
Drakylos:
YouÕre the hero of the skin!
Euforides:
YouÕre a winner with the drink.
Prinides:
Go and get your prize, Dicky boy!
Dicaeopolis: To
the girls as he heads towards the exit to go and claim his prize
Come with me girls and letÕs sing to our victory!
All Acharnians together: Following him towards the exit
WeÕre with you, boy! WeÕre with you! Oh, Victory, Victory,
Victory! SheÕs yours, Dicaeopolis! SheÕs yours, Dicky Boy!
Exit
all but Lamachus with his slaves who look like theyÕve lost the contest.
End
of AristophanesÕ Acharnians