ARISTOPHANES’
Date of 1st production 414 BC
Awarded the 2nd prize
TRANSLATED BY G. THEODORIDIS
ACT TWO
Birds move to either side of the stage. Procne leaves Centre Stage is vacant for a short while and the lighting shows up the great wall behind the cliff.
Pause
Enter Pistheteros, Euelpides, Xanthias and Manes all wearing wings. They examine each other and Pistheteros bursts out into chuckles with Euelpides, while Xanthias with Manes. The two slaves also show their single sandals which are also fitted with wings.
801
Pistheteros:
Here we are folks! Hahahahaha! What… what… what a funny sight you are! The funniest I’ve ever seen, by Zeus!
Euelpides:
And you’re laughing at what, may I ask?
Pistheteros:
I’m laughing at these long quills you’re wearing for wings! Hahahahaha! Do you know what you look like, winged like that?
He walks around him for closer inspection
You look like a chook and a wardrobe-and-make-up victim!
Euelpides:
And you, my friend, you look like a Love Bird who had a close shave!
Pistheteros:
Reminds me of Aeschylus,’ tragedy “The Myrmidons” where he has an eagle shot down by an arrow with eagle feathers attached to it. So the eagle says, “shot down not by others but by own feathers!”
Gum Cock:
So what’s next?
Pistheteros:
First thing is the name. What will we call this city? It should be something magnificent, something delightful. After that, we should make sacrifices to the gods.
Euelpides:
I agree entirely.
Gum Cock:
Let me see. What name should we give our city?
Pistheteros:
How would you like that great name which the Spartans call their own
city,
Euelpides:
Holy Herakles! A city like
Pistheteros:
Then what? Think of a name!
Gum Cock:
Indicating his environment
We need a name which would make people thing of all of this: the clouds and the airy spaced, something grandiose!
Everyone stops to think about this.
Pistheteros:
Well, what about… “Land of the cloudy Gum Cock?”
Everyone ponders on this with a smile of acceptance.
820
Gum Cock:
Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Oh yes! Absolutely! What a grand name you’ve found for it Pistheteros! Land of the cloudy Gum Cock! Yes! It has a good ring to it! I love it!
Euelpides:
Absolutely! Hahahaha! This must be the very Land of the cloudy Gum Cock where all our crooks, like Theogenes and Aeschines have all their wealth! Hahahaha!
Pistheteros:
Oh no! It’s even better than that! This is where the Gods outdid the earthlings in a game of verbosity. This is the very plain of Phlegra!
Cockatoo:
What a bright, fantastic city that will be! So, now which god will we have as its protector? For whom shall we weave the Ceremonial Robe?
Pistheteros:
Shall we give that role to Athena Polias?
829
Euelpides:
Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy No! By the good god Zeus! How on earth can you keep any order in a city which has a woman god in full lethal armour while one of its citizens, Cleisthenes the beardless girlie, sits there doing his knitting?
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
Then, who’ll be in charge of the walls around the Acropolis?
Pistheteros:
A bird! One of our lot. Of the Persian race. The one everyone calls, Ares’ Killer Kid.
835
Euelpides:
Yes! My Lord Killer Kid! What a bird! And one perfectly capable of living on the rocks!
Pistheteros:
Well then, mate, off you go into the deep blue sky and help the birds build the walls. Bring them the gravel, take off your clothes and work the mud well, carry the troughs, fall down from the ladder, put guards on duty, keep the fire burning, run around with the bell and stay there for the night. Then send a herald up to the gods then from there send him to the humans below and then let him come to me here.
845
Euelpides:
Angry
Sure! While your majesty stays here and yells at me!
Exit Euelpides
Pistheteros:
Go, darling, go! Otherwise none of what I’ve just told you will happen! I’ll stay here and prepare the sacrifice to the new gods. Now where is the priest? I need to call him to organise the ceremony!
To the slaves
You! And You! Pick up the basket and the pot with the purifying water.
Slaves obey.
Gang-gang Cockatoo
I wholeheartedly agree and I shall bring grand and wondrous things for the gods: poems and gifts; and for their sake I shall sacrifice a little sheep.
So, let the Pythian voice be heard,
And let the idiot Heris accompany us with his flute.
From within the distance of Stage Left we hear Heris’ flute. Badly played, dissonant, comical.
Exit Gang-gang Cockatoo and after a moment re-enters with a Priest and a goat, all dressed up for the sacrifice (Ribbons around its neck, a garland and blood painted on its forehead). It is a tiny, skinny goat with a long beard and two very long horns.
The priest, too, is overdressed with long wreaths flowing from all over him, golden garlands, and a sceptre with cotton buds at the top. Exaggerated make-up, etc.
Pistheteros:
Yells towards Heris:
Oi, there! Enough of your lousy noise.
Turns to the rest of the congregation of birds.
Herakles almighty! What a sight that was – and believe you me, I’ve seen many of them! A vulture with a pipe shoved up his beak! What next!
Right-o, Priest! Do your work. Sacrifice to the new gods!
Priest:
I shall, I shall! bring the boy with the basket here!
He looks into the basket, finds a knife and raises it into the air.
All ye, all ye, pray to the fowl Hestia, to the Raven who guards its hearth
To all the boy- and girl-gods together and alone -
Pistheteros:
To you, Hawk of Sunium and Lord of the Stork!
Priest:
As well as
Swan of Pytho and of
Pistheteros:
To the audience
See, we’ve changed their names now. We no longer have Artemis of the Dodo but Artemis of the Crow.
Priest:
Sabazian Pigeon and Great Ostrich Mother of gods and folks
876
Pistheteros:
Lady Ostrich Cybele, Cleocritus’ mummy! What a horny boy that is, ey? Sex up to
his eyebrows!
Priest:
To the
denizens of this
880
Pistheteros:
Ah, God, the Chians! Let’s never forget the bloody Chians!
Priest:
And let us pray for:
The fowl heroes and the children of those heroes
The Turtle Doves and Pelicans
The Peacock and the Scrub Cock
The Wild Goose and the Red Goose
The Redneck and the Blueneck
The Black Tit and the Crying Chick –
Pistheteros:
Impatient
Stone the crows, mate!
Sounds of outraged Crow
Enough with all your invitations! Look at the size of this poor animal! How many do you think can feed from it? All these eagles and vultures you’re inviting! Can’t you see, you bird brain, that just one hawk can tear up this little goat all on its own?
Go on, get out of here! You and your stupid wreaths. I’ll slaughter this little beastie myself!
The priest drops the knife back into the basket and exits angrily
Gang-Gang Cockatoo:
So, for you again, we’ll come to your service and raise a second prayer, one which shows respect for the gods and one which is sacred and we’ll invite the gods – or rather one of them only since, all I can see on this goat is a beard and a couple of long horns.
Bend over and whispers to the goat
Where’s your meat, mate?
Pistheteros:
Raises the knife
Now, as we do the sacrifice, let us also pray!
Enter Poet.
He is shabbily dressed. Also exaggerated make-up. He carries a papyrus from which he reads and a quill with which he writes. His entrance is flamboyant.
904
Poet:
Oh, thou most blessed land! Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock!
Oh, thou Muse! Sing now its song!
Pistheteros:
Shocked
Now, where the hell did this little item come from? Who or what are you?
Poet:
“I am the scribe of the mellifluous tongues
and the tireless slave of the nine Muses!”
…to quote Homer!
Pistheteros:
So much hair and a slave? No slave is allowed to have such a crop!
Poet:
Oh, no! “We are all untiring servants of the nine Muses.”
…to quote Homer!
915
Pistheteros:
No wonder your jacket is so pitiful! And so what brought you all the way up here, untiring servant of the Muses?
Poet:
Pointing at the papyrus
I’m here because I have written many songs for your Cloudy Gum Cock land. Lovely dithyrambs for the virgins to sing at your festivals… of the style of greedy Simonides.
920
Pistheteros:
Examines his papyrus and looks surprised
When did you manage to write all this stuff? When did you start?
Poet:
Oooooh… a loooong time ago. I’ve been singing the praises of this city from way back!
Pistheteros:
But I’ve only just given the city its name, a minute ago –just like a baby- on its tenth day!
Poet:
Shuffles through his papyri and reads
“Ah, but like the fleet-footed legs of horses
Run the words of the Muses
Father and
builder of
Sacred name of the Sacred priests
Pray give me the blessings you can
With a nod make a grant.”
…to quote Pindar.
931
Pistheteros:
Damn! This mongrel is going to pester us for a long time if we don’t give him something to send him on his way!
Looks around and sees Manes
Hey, you! You’ve got a coat and a cloak. Give the coat to this genius of a poet!
Manes, angry takes off the coat and hands it to Pistheteros:
To the poet
Now take this, you! You’re shivering from the cold.
Poet:
Back into his papyri
“My dearest Muse accepts this gift
Most gladly
But do let your heart learn some
Words by Pindar…”
940
Pistheteros:
By Zeus! I don’t think we’ll ever get rid of this man!
Poet:
“From within the nomadic Skythians
Straton runs hither and thither
Possessing nothing from the weaver and
All through Summer and Winter
Shamed he lives without a cloak!”
… got my meaning?
Pistheteros:
Sure, I got your meaning. You want that little cloak there as well!
To Xanthias
Boy, give our genius here your cloak
Xanthias refuses
Come on, take it off! The poet needs it!
Xanthias takes the cloak off, hands it to Pistheteros: who, in turn hands it to the poet.
Here you are! Take it and leave now.
Poet:
I’m leaving and when I get back to my city, I’ll write this sort of poem for you:
“Rejoice you who sit on a golden throne,
You city, most horrid, most icy
I’ve visited her snowy valleys once, snowy and well trodden.”
Hooroo, hooroo, hooroo…
Pistheteros pushed Poet towards the exit
As Poet exits he is repeating the word, “hooroo” (good bye)
Pistheteros:
To the poet as he leaves
Yea, yea, sure but by Zeus, you’ve certainly escaped the colds of this winter, stealing our cape and cloak!
Back to the birds
By Zeus! Now that was a bit of bother I’ve never expected to get so soon after building our city!
To Xanthias
Boy, grab that holy water and do another circle with it.
Quiet everyone!
Takes a hold of the goat’s horns and getting ready for the kill.
Voice of seer from Stage left
Seer:
Don’t start on that goat!
Pistheteros:
Who on earth are you?
Enter the seer holding a papyrus and a quill.
Seer:
Me? I’m a seer!
Pistheteros:
Then piss off out of here!
Seer:
Cursed man! How dare you commit such sacrilege? Sacred things are not to be taken lightly!
Looks into his papyrus.
Now, I see here an oracle written by our great seer Bacis about our great war with the Spartans, which utters words specifically concerning the Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock.
Pistheteros:
Is that so? Why didn’t you tell us about this oracle before I’ve built this city?
965
Seer:
Pompously
Religious prohibitions
Pistheteros:
Mimicking the seer’s Pomposity.
Well, I better listen to those utterances then!
Seer:
“…but when the wolves will co-habit with the white crows
in that place between
Pistheteros:
Corinth? Corinth? Our enemy? What’s that evil city got to do with me?
Seer:
It’s Bacis’ allusion to the air, the space between the two cities.
Back into the papyrus
“…your first sacrifice should be a ram whose fleece is white as snow to Pandora, the goddess who gives gifts and, to the seer who first utters my words give to him new sandals and a cloak.”
Pistheteros:
By Zeus! Does the oracle mention sandals?
Seer:
Offers him the papyrus but pulls it back just before Pistheteros: has a chance to take a good look.
Just here, see?
Reads again
“… and they should give him a bottle and upon his hands they should place the ram’s offal…”
Pistheteros:
You mean there’s also the giving of offal in there as well?
Seer:
Offers him the papyrus but pulls it back just before Pistheteros: has a chance to take a good look.
Just here, see?
Reads again
“…and if, O, god-inspired youth, you accomplish the things I ask of you
You will become an eagle in the clouds. If, however you do not,
You will not become a turtle dove, or a bush cock or a woodpecker.”
Pistheteros:
All that is in there too, I suppose?
980
Seer:
Offers him the papyrus but pulls it back just before Pistheteros: has a chance to take a good look.
Here, take the book!
Euelpides::
Gestures at Xanthias who digs into the basket and finds a papyrus which he hands to Euelpides. He opens it and before he begins reading,
Strangely enough, your oracle is totally dissimilar to this one which I wrote myself from Apollo –himself:
Pompously angry
“… and when an uninvited impostor arrives and angers the sacrificers
AND desires a share of the offal of the beast, then that impostor you should be beating hard between his ribs!”
Seer:
No way! It says no such thing!
Pistheteros:
Here’s the book!
Offers him the papyrus but pulls it back just before the seer has a chance to take a good look.
“…and give nothing even to an eagle of the clouds nor to Lampon
or to Diopeithes, our great seers!”
Seer:
All that is in there too?
Pistheteros:
Smacking him around with the papyrus and kicking him.
Here’s the book for you and here’s the door! Get out of here!
Guides him with beatings towards Stage Left
Seer:
Help! I’m being slaughtered!
Exit Seer.
Pistheteros:
After him
Go on, piss off! Go on! Run, you bastard! Take your oracles shove them elsewhere!
Enter Meton, an astronomer and geometer, carrying appropriate instruments and dressed in rather effeminate clothes. (A comment will be made about his boots).
He is walking backwards into the stage measuring the floor with one of his gigantic instruments. His boots are white and have red ribbons attached to them; ribbons which wave about in a comical way. Suddenly he stops, raises his head and looks around.
Meton:
I have come to you…
Pistheteros:
To the audience
Here’s another pain!
To Meton
You have, have you? And you’ve come to us to do what exactly? What grand idea brought you here?
Walks around him in disbelief at his appearance
Where are your pretty boots heading with that idea of yours?
995
Meton:
A little afraid
I’m here because I want to geometricise the air for you… divide and subdivide the land among you…
Pistheteros:
By the gods! And who among the mortals are you?
Meton:
Me? You ask ME who I am? I am Meton!
Pistheteros: shows total lack of care
Meton! I am known throughout Greece and Colonus! Colonus! In Athens! I’ve built a huge clock there!
Pistheteros:
So… what’s all this stuff you’ve got here?
Meton:
These? These are rulers to measure the air…
Pistheteros: is lost
Because, you see, air, in its entirety is like an oven. Same shape, so I shall put over its top, this curved ruler and by inserting this compass here…
Pistheteros: is further lost
Have you got that?
Pistheteros:
I’ve got nothing!
Meton:
Well, then I’ll place a straight ruler next to it and measure it and so I’ll make a square out of a circle and place a marketplace in its centre where all the roads will be straight… It’ll be like a star which, though round, all its rays go off in all directions in straight lines.
Pistheteros:
This man is as good as Thales! Meton?
Meton:
Yes?
1010
Pistheteros:
You know, Meton, I like you a lot, so please, listen to me.
Meton turns an ear towards him
Hit the road!
Meton:
But what’s the problem?
Euelpides:
We treat the foreigners here just like they do in Sparta: we beat them up, we hassle them and then we throw them out of the city!
Meton:
Is there a revolution going on?
Pistheteros:
Oh, no, Zeus no!
Meton:
What then?
Pistheteros:
He is wheeling his arm around with a closed fist, threatening Meton
There’s a unanimous decision taken here, to beat the hell out of all smart-arsed impostors!
Meton:
Takes the hint
So… I better get out of here, ey?
Moves towards his exit
Pistheteros:
Absolutely, by Zeus! Though I don’t know if you’ll manage to do that quickly enough because this beating is getting closer…
Begins to punch him
Meton:
Running off
Help! He’s slaughtering me!
Exit Meton
Pistheteros:
At his back
I’ve warned you, haven’t I? Why don’t you measure yourself all the way back? Go on! Piss off somewhere else, you mongrel!
Enter Inspector. A public official carrying two urns for votes (votes made out of pebbles)
1021
Inspector:
Where are the consuls?
Pistheteros:
Now who can this be? Is this Sardanapallus, that corrupt bastard barbarian?
Inspector:
Pompously
I am an Inspector, sir and I was called by lot to visit the Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock.
Euelpides:
Inspector, are you? And who sent you here?
Inspector:
Some dreadful bill instigated by Peleas.
1025
Pistheteros:
Well then, could we make an agreement? We give you your payment and you kick no fuss. What do you say?
Inspector:
Of course, by the gods. I am so busy and in such a hurry to get home. I should be in Parliament right now, represent the Persian Pharnaces.
Pistheteros:
Raises his fist again
Well, then. Take your pay and run!
Begins beating him
Inspector:
Hey! What was that?
Pistheteros:
That was the Parliament working for Pharnaces!
Inspector:
I call on witnesses! Witnesses! An Inspector is being attacked!
Inspector runs off
Pistheteros:
Go on! Piss off out of here, Mr Ballot Urns!
What an amazing thing! I haven’t done the initiation ceremony yet and they’ve already sent the inspectors to our fair city!
Enter Law Vendor with a huge scroll of papyrus, sealed with flowing ribbons.
Law Vendor:
Reading pompously
“…And if any
inhabitant of the
Pistheteros:
Now what sort of crap do we have here? What’s with this huge book?
Law Vendor:
I am a law vendor and I am here to sell you some laws.
Pistheteros:
Is that right? Like what sort of laws?
Law Vendor:
For example like this one: “The inhabitants of the Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock must use the same measures, weights and laws as those used by the Olophyxians.”
Pistheteros:
Wheels his arm around again ready to beat the Law Vendor up
And you, my friend, are about to cop the same as did the Smackarouxians!
Law Vendor:
Hey! What’s wrong with you?
1045
Pistheteros:
Why don’t you take your laws and piss off out of here ey? Because I’ll be showing you some laws of my own you crooked bastard and they won’t be to your liking!
Law Vendor runs off.
Inspector rushes back in with his ballot urns.
Inspector:
I hereby summon Pistheteros: to appear in court in the month of April on a charge of hubris and battery.
Pistheteros:
Are you kidding? What the hell are you still doing here?
Law Vendor rushes back in.
Law Vendor:
“… and if anyone expels officials and does not comply with the law written on the law pillars…”
Pistheteros:
Bloody hell! Are you still here, too?
Inspector:
I’ll destroy you! I will! I’ll write you down for a ten-thousand drachmas fine!
Pistheteros:
And I’ll smash both your ballot urns!
Inspector runs off
Law Vendor:
Do you remember all those evenings when you shat at the bottom of the law pillars?
1055
Pistheteros:
Pinches his nose with disgust
Phooooh! Somebody catch the bastard!
Law Vendor runs off
Pistheteros: calls after him
Hey, hang around for a bit, won’t you? Hahahaha!
To the slaves
Right-oh men. Let’s get out of here as fast as we can! Let’s go inside and sacrifice this ram to the gods!
Exit all but the chorus of birds
Gum Cock:
I who see all and rule all will
Henceforth receive the sacrifices
With reverential prayers.
I am the supervisor over all the Earth and the protector
Of the flourishing fruit
By killing the newborn of all those races of beasts who,
With hungry mouths descend upon all the
Peas and their pods which the soil sprouts forth
As well as the trees and crop upon which they graze.
And I shall murder those beasts who destroy
Aromatic gardens with despicable acts.
Whatever crawls, whatever bits with our
Wings will be destroyed.
1072
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
Well, today you would have heard the proclamation that he who kills the Milesian philosopher and atheist, Diagoras, will receive one talent. So will anyone who kills a dead tyrant. One talent for him also! One whole talent also for him who kills Philocrates the sparrow man and four whole talents if he can bring him before us alive. This reward is given because Philocrates bunches seven finches together at a time and humiliates them by selling them all for an obol. And the thrushes?
Indicates with gestures that Philocrates screws the thrushes.
He puffs them up and displays them for the public in a most undignifying manner.
As for the boobook owls, he digs holes in their beak with their own feathers.
As well, he catches pigeons, keeps them locked up in a cage, ties them to a net and then forces them to act as bait to catch other birds.
Galah:
And that’s our proclamation!
Those of you who are in the habit of keeping birds in their gardens we demand that you release them. Or else, if you don’t release them, the birds will catch you and turn you into bait to catch humans!
1088
Redneck:
Oh, how happy is the mob of the feathered birds,
Birds have no need for a heavy cloak in winter.
Birds do not suffer under the summer’s long scorching rays.
No, they live inside the leafy embrace of valleys full of blossoms just when all
The scorched cicadas sing their endless mid-day sacred song.
And birds spend their winter
Playing with mountain nymphs inside the deep caverns.
In spring, birds feed on myrtle, their flesh all virginal and white,
And they also feed on the fruits in the gardens of the Graces.
1102
Gum Cock:
There’s a need now to say something to the judges about winning this theatrical contest and it’s this: The gifts which we shall give to these judges if they award us the first prize will be far better than those which Priam’s son, Paris-Alexander received.
To begin with, those little coins with the owl on them –which all the judges just love to get their hands on- will never leave your purse and, in fact, they’ll live in there and they’ll make you more little owls, more little coins. As well, you’ll be living the life of priests because we’ll be building on top of your houses eagle nests. And if you’d happen to want a Cock, we’ll respond quickly by placing something holy in your hand. And if you’re off to an evening meal will send you on your way with a B.Y.O. gizzard.
HOWEVER! If you do not vote for us, you better wear a tin hat like the statues do, because if you happen to be wearing some fashionable white cloak or anything white, that’s when we’ll get our own back. All the birds will be shitting all over that white cape of yours!
Enter Pistheteros, Euelpides and the slaves
1118
Pistheteros:
The sacrifice went very well my friendly fowl! Most auspicious, in fact.
Looks around anxiously
But why haven’t we received a messenger to tell us how things are going at the wall constructions? Ah! Here’s one, running and panting as if he were the Olympian Alpheion himself!
Enter First Messenger all puffed out. His wings and face are soiled from a lot of work.
First Messenger:
Woo woo woo woo where is… woo woo woo where is Pistheteros: the ruler?
Pistheteros:
Here!
First Messenger:
Woo woo we’ve finished the wall!
Pistheteros:
Great stuff!
1125
First Messenger:
It is a most elegant and grandiose piece of work. So great that even if Proxeneidis and Theogenes the brags charge at each other from opposite directions, full speed ahead, with chariots and horses each horse bigger than the Trojan one, they’d still be able to pass each other side by side!
Pistheteros:
By the great Herakles!
First Messenger:
And its length, its length I’ve measured its length myself. It’s one hundred miles!
Euelpides:
Woa! What a length, by Poseidon! So who did all this building?
First Messenger:
Just the birds. There were no Egyptian stone carriers or
masons or builders. The birds built it
all by themselves huge and precise.
Birds only, jackaroos the lot of them!
What a sight! The Cranes, three thousand of them from
Pistheteros:
Who did the clay work for them?
First Messenger:
The Herons came with their pans.
Pistheteros:
How on earth did they put the clay into those pans?
First Messenger:
Ah! That was a most wondrously wise thing to see, my friend! All the ducks came around and used their feet to make mud out of the clay and then use them like shovels to scoop the clay up and toss it into the pans! Quite a sight to watch! What a sight, by Zeus!
Euelpides:
There’s nothing that good feet can’t accomplish!
First Messenger:
Absolutely, by Zeus! The ducks wore white aprons in front of them and then the Swallows came along and, just as the birds feed their young, the Swallows used trowels to put the clay into the mouths of the ducks!
Pistheteros:
No need to pay expensive builders this way, is there?
But then, hang on a minute, who knew anything about wood? Who did the woodwork for this wall?
1154
First Messenger:
The carpenters were also birds. Wise Pelecans who used their beak to cut out the gates. You should have heard the noise they made. Just like a shipyard! Now the gates are all in place, complete with their bolts and well guarded, bell ringers go constantly around and there are guards everywhere. At the towers there are signal fires constantly alight. Well, I’m off now to have a bit of a wash. You take care of the rest now.
Exit First Messenger.
Pistheteros and Euelpides look astonished.
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
What’s the matter with you two? Are you shocked that the wall has been built so quickly?
Pistheteros:
By the Gods! Of course we are! Of course we are! Don’t you think we’re right to be amazed? Doesn’t it sound just a bit too far fetched to you? It sounds more like a lie then a truth to me.
Euelpides:
Hey, look! There’s a guard running towards us. No doubt to report on what’s going on over there. Looks like he’s doing a war dance.
Enter Second Messenger, flapping his wings in distress.
1170
Second Messenger:
Oi,oi,oi,oi,oi,! O, Zeusy, Zeusy, Zeusy! Oh my, my, my, my!
Pistheteros:
What’s all this?
Second Messenger:
Dreadful stuff! Dreadful stuff! Simply dreadful stuff!
Catching his breath
One of the gods, one of Zeus’ boys, flew right through our gates and into our airspace, right past the drongos, our daytime guards!
Pistheteros:
Dreadful deed indeed! Simply dreadful! Brave, but dreadful!
Euelpides:
Who was it?
Second Messenger:
We’ve no idea… only that he had wings!
Pistheteros:
Well, shouldn’t you have sent a patrol after him, immediately?
Second Messenger:
But we did that! We’ve sent three thousand hawks –cavalry archers- and every bird with hooked talons has gone after him. Rednecks, Eagles, Hawks, three-testicled Gang-gangs, Guzzlers, Garbage guts… they all flew off after him immediately. The air shook with the speed of those birds, flying to catch the god. He couldn’t have gone too far though. He should be somewhere around here.
1185
Euelpides:
Go then! Grab slings and arrows and let all reserve units enter the fray! Someone give me a sling!
Exit Second Messenger
Enter the two slaves with weapons
Gum Cock:
It’s war! War has broken out between us and the gods!
Unspeakable, unutterable, despicable war!
Place a guard here and there and everywhere around this cloud-gathered air!
Erevus’ son. Keep keen watch in case the god slides past your by your error!
Redneck:
Prick your ears everyone and stand aloof. Listen for the flying god’s flapping wings. The wind has already carried them nearby!
Iris appears flying.
Pistheteros:
Hey, you! You there! Where are you flying? Why in such a hurry, my girl? Stop right there! Don’t move an inch! Hold iiiiiit! Hold it! Who are you and where are you from? Where have you been? Talk!
Iris:
I’ve been sent
here by the gods of
Pistheteros: and Euelpides: approach and examine her.
Pistheteros:
So, what’s your name, Parolos or Salaminia? You’re not one of those tax-collectors, are you?
Iris:
No, my name is Speedy Iris.
Pistheteros:
Are you a ship or a bitch?
Iris:
What?
Pistheteros:
To the chorus
One of you three-testicled birds grab her, will you?
Iris:
Grab me? A bird? Why? What wrong have I done to you?
Pistheteros:
You’ll cop it now, my girl!
Iris:
This is unheard of! Why?
Pistheteros:
Which gates did you go through, you ugly bitch?
1210
Iris:
I don’t know, truly, by Zeus! I don’t know what gates you’re talking about!
Euelpides:
See how she mocks us? Did you go anywhere near the Bum Commander Birds?
Iris:
What was that?
Pistheteros:
Were you given the seal by the storks?
Iris:
Don’t be disgusting!
Euelpides:
So you didn’t get it, ey?
Iris:
You’re a very sick bird!
Pistheteros:
So… there was no Bum Commander to give you an entry to your passage?
Iris:
By Zeus! You lot are disgusting! No, no one has entered my passage, thank you very much!
Euelpides:
And then you go flying quietly about someone else’s city, all through its air ways?
Iris:
Where else are the gods supposed to fly?
Pistheteros:
Where? I don’t know where, by Zeus but certainly not through these parts! Now, even right this minute you are breaking the law and you should know that the punishment for that offence would be death which would suit you more than all the other irises in the word! We should be catch you and kill you, young lady!
Iris:
But I’m immortal!
Euelpides:
Nevertheless, you’d be put to death! Now listen: We’d be in terrible trouble if we’re the bosses and you gods do as you please without paying any attention to what your rulers say. It is we who are now your superiors… Tell me now, where were you off to with those speedy wings of yours?
1230
Iris:
Me? I’ve been sent by the Father of the gods to deliver a message to the humans… the message being, “offer sacrifices to the Olympian gods! Fill the sacrificial altars with slaughtered sheep so that the aromas of the burnt meat may reach their nostrils!
Pistheteros:
What are you on about? What gods are you talking about?
Iris:
To us, of course! Us the inhabitants of the sky!
Euelpides:
So, you think you’re the gods, do you?
Iris:
Of course. Who else do you think might be gods?
Pistheteros:
It is the birds who are now the gods of the humans, by Zeus! And to the birds the humans must offer sacrifices, not to Zeus… by Zeus!
Iris:
What a moron! What a moron you are! You’re shaking the dire mind of the gods and Justice will be swift because with one of his bolts Zeus can destroy your whole mob. One fiery bolt like that Lycimnius sent in Eurypides’ play and both, your body and your house will burn.
1243
Euelpides:
Woa there! Stop! Stop your nauseating belching. Listen you! Do you think you’re talking to some Lydian or some timid little Phrygian? You might be able to make them shake in their feathers with this sort of nonsense but do you know what I could do if Zeusy up there bugs me any more? I’ll have his palaces turned to ashes, including Amphion’s palace. I’ll send flame-throwing eagles and I’ll send off against him six hundred Porphyrions hawks in leopard skins even though just one Porphyrion alone has already done him enough harm.
Pistheteros:
As for you! You, Iris the servant girl, I’ll tear your little thighs apart and fuck you and amaze you how an old cock like me can keep it up for three consecutive rogerings!
Iris:
Why, damn you sir and your disgusting language!
Euelpides:
Off you go now! Quickly! Come on, fuck off!
Iris:
My father will put a stop to your foul arrogance!
1260
Pistheteros:
O, me, o my! I’m sooooo scared! Go on, off you go now! Go and turn on some other younger man!
Exit Iris
Gum Cock:
We’ve made it clear to the gods that they are prohibited from passing through this city and told the mortals not to send sacrificial smoke to the gods through here.
Pistheteros:
I’m terribly worried about the herald we’ve sent to the humans. He’s still not back yet!
Pause
Enter the First Herald holding a golden crown
Herald:
O Pistheteros:! O blessed Pistheteros:! O most wise Pistheteros:! O, most beautiful Pistheteros:! O, most wise Pistheteros:! O, most, most, most blessed Pistheteros:! O… please stop me, Pistheteros:!
Pistheteros:
What are you blabbering about?
First Herald:
All the folk below want to show their appreciation to you for your great wisdom and offer you this golden crown.
1276
Pistheteros:
I accept. But why do the folk below honour me like this?
First Herald:
Why? You have built an ethereal city, so glorious, so magnificent that you have no idea how much the humans love it and honour it. Before you built this city they had all suffered from Spartomania! They dragged around long clubs, left their hair long, unwashed and untidy and they all behaved like Socrates: always hungry and always in worn-out and torn clothes. Now, they’ve all changed completely!
They’re in the grips of ornithomania. They have this excessive love for the birds and the only thing they do all day is to joyfully mimic the birds! As soon as they wake up in the morning they rush out of their bed, go off into the fields to graze and then, when they come back to the city, they all bend over books searching for votes.
Not only that but this ornithomania of theirs has developed to such a degree that now they’ve started calling themselves by bird names. For example, our famous lame and drunk innkeeper, is calling himself Mr Partridge. One-eyed Opuntius is calling himself Hawkeye. Menippos calls himself Swallow, Philocles calls himself Brolga, Theagenes is now Foxhen, Lycourgos became Egyptian stork, Cherephon a bat, Syracusios calls himself a Galah and Meidias, because of that ugly face of his and his head which was smacked about by a Quail, well he was given the name Quail.
And so, because of this ornithophilia of theirs, all they do all day long is sing songs to them. Whenever they see a swallow, or a cockatoo, or a shrub lark or a bush tucker bird, or a wing or even just a bit of a feather, out comes their song!
So that’s what’s happening down there. I’m telling you, this place will be filled by ten thousand men wanting wings and asking to learn the ways of the hooked-taloned birds. I’m telling you, you’ll have to find wings for them all!
1308
Pistheteros:
Right! No time to waste then with all the work we’ve got to do!
Xanthias, you run and fill all the baskets and pans you can find with wings. You, Manes, bring them all to me at the gate where I’ll be standing to greet the visitors.
Xanthias, Manes and First Messenger leave
Gum Cock:
It won’t be long now when some man will say that this city has a good population.
With a bit of luck everyone will love our city passionately!
Pistheteros:
Calls in the direction of Manes
Come on Manes! Stop wasting time. Do as I tell you for once!
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
After all,
Indicating the audience
What’s down there that’s not up here? Every thing a settler could wish or dream for, this city has it: Wisdom, Passion, Divine Graces and a most happy Peace with its sweet face!
Pistheteros:
What an idiot of a servant you are! Come on, speed it up!
Manes comes out with a basket overfilled with wings. Slips, slides, drops basket, spills wings.
Redneck:
Tell him to hurry! Bring a basket of wings over here! Hurry!
Pistheteros:
He’ll hurry if I beat him like this!
Wheels his arm around as if to give Manes a punch but instead kicks him on the bum.
Gum Cock:
He’s so slow! Slower than a donkey!
Pistheteros:
That’s my Manes, all right, a very lazy boy!
1330
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
To Pistheteros:
Now you make sure, though, to put all these wings in some order and give the right ones to the right people. Put the wings for the musicians here, those for the prophets there, those who love the sea here and then check each man carefully as you give him his wings.
Enter Recalcitrant Son
Recalcitrant son:
O, how I’d love to be an eagle and fly high with wings over the vast waste of the blue waters of oceans.
Pistheteros:
It seems that our messenger was quite right. Here’s someone singing a song… about eagles!
Recalcitrant son:
He, he! O, dear me! There’s just nothing sweeter than flying! I’m in the grips of ornithomania for sure! I love all the fowl laws and so I fly to you, I want to live with you!
Euelpides:
Hang on a minute! Which laws do you mean because birds have many of them!
Recalcitrant son:
All of them! I love them all. Particularly I love the laws which say you can grab your father by the neck and bite him deep and hard!
Pistheteros:
By Zeus, yes! We do think a cheeky chick who beats his father to be quite a brave chick!
Recalcitrant son:
And that’s exactly why I want to shift house and come here! So I can beat my father and get all his money!
Euelpides:
But we have an ancient law here, written in the Storks Statutes which says, “If a stork’s father brought his little chicks up with all the necessities for a healthy life and they grew up, it is the duty of the storklings to look after their father in his old age.”
Recalcitrant son:
What was the good of coming here then, by Zeus, if now I’ve got feed my old man?
Pistheteros:
No, no, my good friend! Good will brought you here so I’ll be kind to you and treat you like an orphan. I’ll give you wings.
He does so
Now let me give you this advice my boy and it’s a good one because that’s what I was taught myself when I was your age. Don’t beat your father.
Goes into a basket and comes out with a cock’s spur. He offers it to the recalcitrant son.
Here, take this cock’s spur and imagine that you’ve got a crest on your head. Then join the army. You’re a top cock now! Go on campaigns! Stand on Guard! Work for your food. Let your father live his own life and if you really want to fight then go off to the Thracian front and fight there!
1370
Recalcitrant son:
You’re right, by Dionysus! That’s good
advice and I’ll take it!
Euelpides:
And that’s certainly the smart thing to do, by Zeus!
Exit Recalcitrant son:
Cinesias (a stork) enters pompously reciting one of his poems (in reality one of Anacreon’s) He’s whirling about the stage and flapping his arms about as if he’s about to fly. He limps.
Cinesias:
O! How I fly so high with so light
A wing! This path of Olympian songs or that…
Pistheteros:
This boy here, is going to need a whole truckload of wings!
Cinesias:
…fearless of body and mind
fearless in search of a new way
Euelpides:
We welcome most warmly Cinesias the storky dorky! Hold it! What’s with all this whirling about in a circle on your lame leg? What sort of a dance is this?
1380
Cinesias:
O, how I wish to be a bird
A nightingale with clear voice I’d like to be!
Pistheteros:
Stop all this sing-song and tell me what you want from us.
Cinesias:
From you? From you I want wings, wings to fly high with, to fly high, so I can catch, so I can catch new, new, new stanzas; stanzas whirling in the wind whirling in the wind and in the snow-white snow!
Euelpides:
You mean, it’s possible to catch these stanzas from inside the clouds?
Cinesias:
But of course! Our whole art hangs from the clouds! The most brilliant bits in the dithyrambs are full of sweet air and dark and moody blues at the tips of speeding wings. Do you want to hear some of them?
Pistheteros:
No, no, no, no! Eh, no thanks!
Cinesias:
By Herakles, I say you shall! I’ll give you the whole air:
Coughs as he gets his voice ready. Sings… off key.
I see the idols of roosters
Of roosters splicing the sky
Of birds with necks so long, so loooong, soooooo loooong!
Pistheteros: and Euelpides: together:
Whoooooa there! Cast anchor, poet!
1395
Cinesias:
Not noticing the plea
And so I run and run and run like the running wind
And I whirl about and I wander and I wander fast like the wind’s breath…
Pistheteros:
Grabs Cinesias by the throat
By Zeus! I’ll grab a hold of this windpipe of yours and choke the breath-wind right out of it!
Cinesias:
Escapes and continues
Gulp, gulp, gulp…cough, cough, splatter…
So then I charge towards the South the South, the South. Then I swerve this body northerly, northerly -o, northerly and open a channel through the sky’s windy wastes – wastes without a harbour nor without an end…
Euelpides comes around and kicks Cinesias on the bum
Cinesias:
To Euelpides
Now that’s a clever little trick you’ve done there, old man!
Euelpides:
Aren’t you happy to have your bum winged like this?
Cinesias:
What a way to treat the most sought after cyclic chorus master in all of the tribes in the Universe!
Pistheteros:
Well, would you like to stay with us up here and begin directing your idiot colleague Leotrophides and a chorus of flying fowl from the Dickheads tribe?
Cinesias:
You mock me! I know that for sure but you should also know that I will not stop my singing until you give me my wings so that I can cut highways through the sky!
Exit Cinesias
Small pause before Blue Tit and Red Tit climb the cliff to do some mating.
Enter Informer wearing old and torn clothes. He looks around and notices the two mating birds.
Informer:
Speaking to Blue Tit busy on the cliff.
O, broad-winged bright Blue Tit, who are these birds with their multicoloured wings who have no coins hidden in their purses?
Blue Tit too busy to respond
Pistheteros:
Damn, what a headache I’ve made for myself here! Here’s another babbler coming this way!
1415
Informer:
I said, brightly coloured Blue Tiiiiiiiit !
Euelpides:
Looks up on the cliff and see the mating. Then to Pistheteros
I think he’s singing this little routine because of his worn out cloak but by the looks of it, he’ll need more than a few blue tits to get a new one!
Informer:
Who is it that hands out wings to the new arrivals?
Pistheteros:
That would be me. What can I do for you, tell me.
1420
Informer:
Wings! I want wings and don’t make me repeat myself!
Euelpides:
And… what are you going to do with them, fly off to our enemy, Pellene, I suppose. Get yourself one of those lovely woolly cloaks they give away as prizes at the chariot races?
Informer:
By Zeus no! I serve subpoenas to the islanders… and I’m an informer as well…
Pistheteros:
What a divine occupation!
Informer:
…and I hunt around for lawsuits. That’s why I need wings; to fly around the cities serving the subpoenas.
Pistheteros:
So, you’ll be better at this job with wings, will you?
Informer:
Well, no. It’s just so that I won’t be molested by the thieves. With wings, I’ll be able to fly back home with the cranes, you see and I’ll be able to swallow many lawsuits to use as a ballast.
1430
Pistheteros:
Is that your job? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? A young, healthy man like you and you make your living by informing on our allies?
Informer:
What would you have me do? I don’t know how to use a shovel.
Euelpides:
But there are plenty of other, more honourable occupations, by Zeus! Why not take up one of those? A young man of your stature should be employed honestly, honourably, instead of stitching up lawsuits for everyone!
Informer:
Will you stop the lectures and put some wings on me, stupid?
Pistheteros:
That’s what I’m doing right now!
Informer:
How? How can you put wings on a man with just a lot of yakity yak?
Pistheteros:
Oh, that’s simple! Words can make everyone fly off the handle.
Informer:
Not everyone.
Euelpides:
Surely you’ve been to the barber shops where fathers often say of their sons, “Look how Dieitrephes has sent my son flying off his head with his dreadful talk about horse racing!” Or, someone else would complain about his son’s brain flying off with a love for acting and ran off to join a tragic chorus.
Informer:
So, brains fly with mere words?
Pistheteros:
Absolutely! It’s words that send a man flying into the dizzy hight of dignity! So that’s what I’ll do for you, as well. I shall offer you words which will give you wings which will send you off on a lawful, straight path.
1450
Informer:
But I don’t want that!
Euelpides:
No? What will you do then?
Informer:
Forget it! You want me to disgrace my family, a family that, since the days of my grandfather, has been drawing its livelihood out of this occupation! No way! Just shove a pair of speedy wings on my back. From a hawk, say or a Galah so that I can do my subpoena act on the foreigners, get them charged and get back home again without wasting any time.
Pistheteros:
Right! Now I get you! You mean, you want
to get to
Informer:
Well done! You’ve got that right.
Pistheteros:
Furthermore,
while the poor man is sailing to
1460
Informer:
That’s exactly right. So, I’ve got to be whizzing round just like a spinning top.
Euelpides:
A top, ey? I know exactly what you mean. Now let’s see… looks inside a bag and finds a whip. He pulls it out and brandishes it
about. Got it! By Zeus, I’ve got it! This is from whip-country,
Informer:
Bloody hell! That’s a whip!
1465
Euelpides:
Don’t be silly! This is not a whip! This is a pair of wings. You wanted to be a spinning top, well let me use them on you and you shall!
Informer:
No way!
Exit Informer in a hurry.
Pistheteros:
After him
Go on then, fly! Fly off and piss off out of here! Damned nuisance! And a bitter bite of it you’ll get one day with your crooked, sleazy way!
To the slaves and Euelpides:
Come on then, let’s grab all these wings and go!
Exit the four men.
1470
Gum Cock:
What new, wondrous and frightful things have we not seen as we flew around the world.
There’s a tree in
Gang-gang Cockatoo:
And then, there’s another land, at the edge of darkness. It’s a place bereft of any light, or any torch and it’s where heroes meet humans for food and chit-chat during the day. But never at night though, never at night! Oh, no! It’s never safe at night because the night is bereft of heroes.
Because if any human meets up with Orestes, the world acclaimed thief of the night he’ll get a hiding and have all his clothes ripped off his back!
Enter Prometheus terrified and hiding his face under an umbrella. He is looking around everywhere, in search of Pistheteros:
Prometheus:
Oh me oh my! I hope Zeus doesn’t see me… Where is Pistheteros:?
Enter Pistheteros: carrying a chamber pot. Sees Prometheus.
Pistheteros:
Now What!
What is this, now?
What’s with the hidden facial?
Prometheus:
Is there a god following me?
Pistheteros:
Trying to see beneath the umbrella
No… no! Who are you?
Prometheus:
What time is it then?
Pistheteros:
What time is
it? It’s just gone
1500
Prometheus:
Evening or later?
Pistheteros:
Damn it! This is getting up my nostrils!
Prometheus:
What about Zeus? What’s he up to? Gathering clouds or spreading sunshine?
Pistheteros:
By Zeus!
He pulls at the umbrella
Prometheus:
All right, all right, I’ll remove the umbrella!
Pistheteros:
Prometheus! Dear, dear, darling friend!
My Prometheus!
Prometheus:
Shhhh! Don’t shout like that!
Pistheteros:
Why? What’s the matter?
Prometheus:
Shhh, speak softly and don’t utter my name. If Zeus sees me down here I’m a dead liver! All right. Hold this umbrella over me so that the gods won’t see me down here and I’ll tell you everything that’s going on up there!
1510
Pistheteros:
Right-oh, mate! Good thinking! True Promethean thinking.
Guides him to the tree.
Now come under here quickly and speak freely.
Prometheus:
All right. Listen.
Pistheteros:
I’m all ears.
Prometheus:
Zeus is gone!
Pistheteros:
Gone? What do mean? When did he go?
Prometheus:
When? Zeus was gone the moment you lot occupied the air. As you know, gods
without the scent of sacrifices are nothing and the humans have stopped
sacrificing since the moment you’ve built this city. Not a nostrilful of burnt thigh bone reaches
our nostrils any more. It’s as if we’re
fasting for the funeral ceremonies of the Thesmophoria! As for the gods of the barbarians, they’re
all starving and screaming like Illyrians that they’re going to march against
Zeus, unless he opens up the ports for them to trade again and import their
beloved offal pieces.
1515
Pistheteros:
You mean to say that there are even more gods above you lot?
Pometheus:
Of course! Who do you think Execestides prays to? Of course we’ve got to have gods for the refugees.
Pistheteros:
What are they called, these gods of the barbarians?
Prometheus:
What are they called? They’re called Triballians! You know, our famous Thracian allies, the savages from up North.
1530
Pistheteros:
Right! I understand now! That’s where we’ve got the phrase, “well, bugger me dead,” from!
Prometheus:
Could well be, could well be! But I’m telling you, mate and you better listen: Zeus and the Triballians will be sending their ambassadors here for talks. I suggest you agree to nothing unless Zeus hands the sceptre back to the birds and gives you the Princess as a wife.
Pistheteros:
The Princess? What princess?
Prometheus:
Ah, the most beautiful woman in existence, Pissy! She looks after Zeus’ bolt… I mean thunderbolt – as well as after everything else, like she has to make the tough decisions, write the just laws, be the wise one, make sure everything and everyone is in order, sets up customs fees, deals with sycophants, awards daily minimum wages…
Pistheteros:
You mean she does the lot?
Prometheus:
That’s what I said. You take her away from her and all that talent will come along with her to you also. That’s the reason I’m here, to tell you all this. Because I’ve always loved the humans.
1546
Pistheteros:
I know, I know. You’re the only god who made it possible for us to have a bit of a Barbie occasionally.
Prometheus:
And as you well know, I too hate all the gods.
Pistheteros:
And that’s why they’ve always hated you and treated you like a real Timon the Misanthrope.
Prometheus:
I better run off back home now. Give me my umbrella back.
Takes it and puts it over his head.
See? Now even if Zeus sees me from up there, he’ll just think that I’m one of the basket bearing virgins in a procession.
Pistheteros:
Hands him the chamber pot.
Here, you might as well take this too. Processional virgins have to carry a stool as well.
Exit Prometheus. Pistheteros goes inside. The two mating birds have finished their mating and whistling happily come down to join the rest of the birds.
1553
Gum Cock:
There’s a land…far, far away where the One-Footers live a very odd way. So wide is their single foot that one minute they hop and the next they lay below it under its shade. They’re also called Umbrellapods. There’s a lake there, which Socrates, the ever-unwashed visits so as to play with all the spirits. Pistheteros, our cowardly general, went there one day as well, to see if he could find his own soul which had deserted him on the battlefield. He had gone there with a sheep-camel as an offering and, when he got there he did what Odysseus did, acting on Circe’s orders: He just cut its throat off and turned away and left the place. So, from down below, in Hades, Chaerophon sniffed out the stench of the slaughtered flesh and blood from down the underworld and rose up as a bat!
Enter ambassadors, Poseidon, Herakles and Triballos.
Poseidon is dressed in slick, neat, regalia, Herakles in his usual garb of a huge roughly hewn club and a lion skin over his shoulder. Triballos, being the god of the barbarians, is ignorant about how to throw a cloak over his shoulder so he’s done this badly. Poseidon will correct it for him later.
They stand at a corner as far as possible from the cave’s entrance so that when Pistheteros: and Euelpides: enter the stage there could be a moment or two before they notice the ambassadors.
1565
Poseidon:
Now remember: This city here is called “The Land of the Cloudy Gum Cock” and we are here as ambassadors…
Hey! What on earth are you doing? You buttoned up your cloak from left to right? Turn it the other way, you idiot! You remind me of Laispodias who had one leg shorter than the other so he used to turn his cloaks back to front to hide his limping! What a dreadful thing Democracy is! Where will it all end, when the majority of the gods will vote for him as an ambassador!
Stop your incessant fidgeting!
Damn you, you great oaf! Of all the barbarian gods I’ve ever seen in my life you take the first prize!
So, Herakles, what now?
1575
Herakles:
You heard me! I said I want to throttle the man who built all these walls to keep the gods out!
Poseidon:
But, Herakles, we’ve been sent to negotiate!
Herakles:
I think that’s twice the reason for throttling the bastard… whoever he is!
Enter Pistheteros, Euelpides and the slaves carrying a barbeque, a few jars and urns, a table, and all the necessities for a feast. For a few moments they don’t notice the ambassadors and they set everything up.
Pistheteros:
Shouts at the slaves for individual items which are immediately handed to him as if in a modern operating theatre.
Cheese grater!
Herbs!
Poker!
To poke the fire with, fool!
Xanthias runs back and corrects the errors. Others laugh.
Poseidon:
Sir, we three gods bid you good cheer!
Pistheteros:
Hang on a minute. I’m scrunching up some herbs.
Herakles
Ehhh, what sort of meat is this?
Euelpides:
Ehhh, this here meat is the meat of revolutionary birds which the democratic birds convicted.
Herakles:
So why all these herbs?
Pistheteros:
Oh, hello, Herakles! What’s up?
Poseidon:
Ahem! We’ve come here sent by the gods as ambassadors to negotiate a peace settlement.
Euelpides:
There’s no oil in this jar!
1590
Herakles:
And birds should be very oily!
Poseidon:
Now, with this war we’re engaged in, we gods get nothing. However, if we were to be friends, you’d be able to have plenty of rainwater for your billabongs and halcyon days for every day hereafter. We are fully authorised to sign up an agreement on this issue.
Pistheteros:
Hang on a minute! We didn’t start this war against you! In fact, we’re quite ready to sign up a treaty with you even now, if you’re prepared to act justly… which simply means that Zeus returns his sceptre to us, the birds. And, if we can agree on this, I shall invite the ambassadors to brunch!
Herakles:
That’s a good enough bargain for me! I agree!
Poseidon:
What? You drongo!
You moron, you garbage guts!
Are you going to deprave your father of his authority?
1606
Euelpides:
Really? Wouldn’t the authority of you gods increase if the birds rule the humans below?
Right now, the humans can hide beneath the clouds, bend their heads and mumble off false oaths all the time! Whereas, if you were to make yourselves allies with the birds, the moment someone swears a false oath, say, he swears by “the raven and Zeus” a raven will bolt down to the perjurer and rip his eyeball out of its socket!
Poseidon:
That’s true, by Poseidon! You’re absolutely right!
Herakles:
That’s what I reckon, too!
Pistheteros:
To Triballos:
And you? What do you say?
1615
Triballos:
Coughs, adjusts his cloak.
Da. Odada hoddadodo!
Herakles:
See? He agrees, too!
Pistheteros:
And there’s yet another benefit we can add for you in this agreement. Let’s say some human swears that he’ll make an offering to a god but then, through sheer greed he reneges with nonsensical reasoning like, “Oh, the gods are patient!” and doesn’t pay, we’ll sort him out!
Poseidon:
Now, tell me how you could do that!
Euelpides:
Simple! The moment this man starts counting his coins or is sitting naked in a bathtub, a Brolga will shoot down and pinch enough money to pay for two sheep and deliver it to the god to whom he had made the promise!
Herakles:
Again I vote that we give them the sceptre back!
Poseidon:
Well, ask Triballos here, as well!
Herakles:
Threatening him with his huge club.
Hey Triballos! How would you like a smack on the head?
Triballos:
Saaf naka vaktari kroosa!
Herakles:
He says it’s absolutely wonderful!
1630
Poseidon:
Oh, well, if that’s what you both say then I’m with you.
Herakles:
To Pistheteros: and Euelpides:
Oi, Pissy! We’ve voted to agree about the sceptre thing!
Pistheteros:
Oh! And there’s yet another thing I remember asking for: That I’ll hand Hera back to Zeus but Zeus will hand me, as a wife, his Princess.
Poseidon:
Oh! Come on! It looks like you’re not interested in negotiations at all! Come on, men, we’re going home!
Pistheteros:
Big deal! See if I care.
To Euelpides:
Chef, make that sauce a bit sweeter!
Herakles:
You’re worse than the humans, Poseidon! Where are you off to? Hang on a bit! Are we going off to war for the sake of a mere woman?
Poseidon:
So what should we do?
Herakles:
Agree, of course. What else?
Poseidon:
You poor suck! Can’t you see this bastard is trying to trick you? Can’t you see that all this works against your own interests? Because if Zeus gives up his rule to the birds, when he carks it, you’ll be left without a penny whereas, as matters stand now, you’ll inherit everything he leaves behind.
1646
Pistheteros:
He is still near the barbeque.
Woa! Hahaha! What lovely bullshit he’s piling up on you, Herakles!
Look! Come over here. I want to tell you something.
Herakles approaches the barbeque, his eyes and mouth open wide at the food. Pistheteros waves some of the smoke towards Herakles’ face.
Your uncle Poseidon, there, Herakles, is trying to cheat you, my poor boy!
Listen, forget about what your father will leave behind. You’re entitled to none of it! You’re a bastard, my boy. An illegitimate son, my son. You’re the son of a mortal woman, remember? Alcmene! That’s your mummy… and she was the wife of Amphitryon! Totally illegitimate! Pure bastard! No inheritance at all when your daddy dies.
Herakles:
Threateningly
Ey! Who’s a bastard! What are you on about?
Pistheteros:
That’s right, by Zeus! That’s what you are because your mother was a foreigner. Why do you think Athena, a daughter, has been named as the Heiress if she had real, legitimate brothers?
1655
Herakles:
Still, daddy could still leave me a “Bastard’s Portion” of his wealth, after he dies, couldn’t he?
Pistheteros:
Nope! The law won’t allow him. This uncle of yours, Poseidon there, will be the first to kick up a fuss against your claim. He’s agitating you now but he’ll be the first to be jumping up and down, arguing that he is the true, legitimate, non-bastard brother… of your father! Hang on, let me tell you one of Solon’s laws. Solon our great law giver, said: “No bastard children may be considered as next of kin if there are legitimate children around and if there are no such legitimate children around, then the whole estate goes to the next next of kin.”
Herakles:
The next next of kin? You mean, I’ll get nothing once Zeusy dies?
Pistheteros:
No, by Zeus, nothing! Tell me though, has Zeus not signed you up in his tribal register?
Herakles:
No, not me!
Looks up into the sky as if chastising his father
I always wondered about that!
Pistheteros:
So, why do you gawk at the sky so angrily? Join us and I’ll make you a ruler and supply you with all the bird’s milk you want.
Herakles:
Well, actually your proposal for the girl seems quite appropriate to me. I always said that and I’ll say it again. She’s yours!
Pistheteros:
Yells to Poseidon
What about you?
Poseidon:
Nope! I say no!
Euelpides:
So the whole thing rests on Triballos. What do you say, Triballos?
Triballos:
Oooo, birdy nicey, girlie nicey Booboo megala girlie you!
Herakles:
He’s telling us to hand her over.
1680
Poseidon:
No, that’s not what he said at all, by Poseidon! He’s just chirping away like a galah!
Herakles:
Well then he says to hand her over to the galah.
More sounds of protest from a galah.
Poseidon:
Well, if that’s your decision, then you two negotiate the treaty. I’ll just shut up.
Herakles:
To Pistheteros: and Euelpides:
So! Now we’re agreed to all your proposals! You can come up with us to heaven now and pick up the princess and all the other stuff.
Pistheteros:
Wonderful! These lovely birds have been all cut up just in time for my wedding.
1690
Herakles:
That’s right and if you like, you go on ahead while I’ll stay down here and look after them.
Pistheteros:
Ha! You? You roast my meat? With your sort of gluttony? No, I think you’d better come along with us.
Herakles:
Protesting
Ohhhh! I reckon I’d be perfect for that job.
Pistheteros:
To the slaves:
Someone bring me a wedding cloak!
The slaves rush inside and come out with the wedding cloak which they hand to Euelpides, who wraps it carefully and proudly around the body of Pistheteros.
Pistheteros, Herakles, Poseidon and Triballos exit. Euelpides and the slaves tend to the barbeque.
Gum Cock:
Near Fanass, where the water clock’s water
runs, lives the race of the Felatio lovers, a people who do everything with
their tongue: their sowing and their harvesting, their grape picking and their…
fig licking! For all these chores they use
their tongues. They’re a barbarian race,
of course who behave just like our tongue-wag philosophers, Gorgias and
Philippos; and it’s because of these Felatio lovers that everywhere in
1706
Second Herald:
Like a Town Crier:
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
All you whose acts are virtuous, more virtuous than words can explain!
Thrice blessed race of winged fowl! Make welcome the ruler to his opulent chambers. He is approaching with such a brilliance so dazzling that no one has ever seen, not even upon a star whose rays reach far into the sky’s golden orb! He has with him a woman whose beauty defies description by words alone; and in his hand he holds a thunderbolt, Zeus’ winged arrow.
An indescribable aroma emanates deep into the very core of the sky –a stunning spectacle!- and breezes play with the curlicues of smoke which emerge from the burnt incense.
Enter Pistheteros and the Princess as described by the Herald. Behind them follows a young bird (female,) holding a standard, a ceremonial phallos.
And here he is! Now the goddess Muse must open her holy mouth to sing an auspicious wedding song.
1720
Nightingale:
Make way, make room, open up now, make a line!
Fly with your wings wide around the man most blessed by luck!
What youth, what beauty!
What joy your wedding brings to our city!
Male Love Bird:
The race of birds are blessed and blessed again by luck
Because of this man.
Welcome him then with wedding songs and songs of the
Nuptial bed. The Man and his Princess!
Female Love Bird:
It was songs like these which brought
Olympian Hera into the arms of Zeus,
The god of the high throne!
Hymen, o Hymen!
And youthful Eros of the golden wings
Stands by the union as witness and
Pulls tight the reins of the chariot’s horses
Which carried Zeus and blessed Hera.
Pause
Pistheteros:
Your hymns have gratified me enormously.
Your odes have gratified me enormously
Your words leave me speechless!
1745
Red Tit:
Come then and sing with us of Zeus’ earth-shaking
Thunders and of his brightly flaming and terrifying bolts!
Blue Tit:
O great golden light of thunder!
O Zeus’ immortal spear of fire!
You echo beneath the earth’s soil,
Bringing the rain, the thunder!
With you, Zeus this man now shakes the earth!
To Pistheteros:
Take now all that Zeus had and rule alone with Zeus’
Princess by the side of your throne.
Hymen, o Hymen!
Pistheteros:
Now follow us, winged friends of the winged race,
Follow the wedding party
Follow us to Zeus’ chambers,
Follow us to our wedding bed.
Let me have your hand, my happy woman.
Hold on to my wings and we’ll dance together.
I’ll lift you up and swing you about.
1763
Gum Cock:
Tralala! Off you go! Tralala O Phallos!
Praise Victory
Greatest, highest of all the gods!
End of “The Birds”